Inventory Days

I've been studying codependency the last, um, 6 years. Funny thing to study you say? Not if you're codependent. We all are to a degree, some more than others, depending on your personality, gifting, woundedness, etc. It's just one of those real life things.

Every so often, I take an inventory of myself. It's not usually a scheduled thing, it's usually a God-timing thing. Like when He's trying to tell me something, and I'm not listening. Then, lo and behold, things start going wrong. Start having a bad day here and a bad day there. Anxiety starts to creep back in, or I start to worry about something stupid. Anybody ever been there? Yea, I thought so.

Anyway, I usually end up getting to a point where I realize my life has yet again become unmanageable. When this happens, I usually start by subconsciously playing the victim card (I'll probably blog about this one later, it's a doozy). It sounds something like "Why did this happen to me? I didn't do anything wrong. Blah blah blah. Woe is me." We all know it, and again, some of us know it better than others.

Next, I move to some sort of rationalization. "Well, I only did it because xyz. I had to protect myself, they would have been mad and it would have caused a big blow up, or they just don't understand." Or my personal favorite, "If I don't do it, nobody will." Blah blah blah.

Finally, I get back to some sort of a reality. (Thank you, God.) At this point, I decide...it's time to start taking inventory. Where did my days start going bad? Where did my life take the detour into the wild jungle?

For me, it usually ends up somewhere in the codependent/enabling category. Doing too much for others, not saying no even when I want to, or the ever-so-clever staying busy taking care of everyone else while my own life is falling apart. I used to live here......real bad. Nowadays, it's not so bad. The last six years, though painful as they were, stripped me of a lot of those deep-rooted behaviors. But every once and awhile, I'll get a chance to go a little further, take another step. Get another chance to say "no". This usually brings fear at first (proving that I am still codependent). I get a good work-up, go through the pros and cons in my head, and then I finally take the plunge (because in my guts, I can't possibly survive if I don't do it). And, I say no. Whew. And you know what? It feels darn good. And for me, a lot of those wild jungle adventures start to slow down. Things start coming back into place, and not only into place, but into a Higher place.

It's usually messy. It's usually a little grueling and uncomfortable. I don't typically come in riding a white horse, saving the day. Instead, it usually looks opposite. I stumble, get nervous, doubt myself. But I once heard that courage is not that you do something with bravery but that you do something you are scared to do. I like that. That is real life stuff.

You know what else is real life stuff? The Twelve Steps. Take a looky for yourself, alcoholic or codependent or whatever type of addict you may be, and see what ya think. Happy Thursday!

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects in character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

P.S. Coincidentally, my blog is well established now and ready to go. So, if you enjoy following me, bookmark or "follow" this page. I'm giving my FB account the ax tomorrow, so you'll no longer be able to click on the links I've been posting. If, however, you like what I say and want to share it, feel free. You just click on one of those "share" buttons below. ;)

(corresponding song: Heart of Life by John Mayer)