Hope.

It's really dark outside.  Really rainy, too.  In fact, it was so drab and rainy that my curly-Q babe slept in an extra half hour.  It was quite glorious.

The ironic thing about this morning is the fact that even though the sky is dusky, the ground is flooded, and the temperature cool, there is something about today that is full of Hope.

I am typically a very weather sensitive person.  If it's sunny, I'm happy.  If it's dark, I'm somber.  But today, it seems different.  It's as if the darkness of the outside is instead brewing a deep sense of anticipation...of expectation.

Time and time again, I've seen how triumph comes after a storm.  How beautiful comes from difficult.  How life comes from death.  Today is one of those days.

Sometimes we expect things to turn out a certain way.  We get our hopes up.  We dream.  Then, something different happens.  And the unexpected result can make us weary, disappointed, sick even.

I keep being reminded of that scripture today that reads "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of Life" (Proverbs 13:12).  That's really how it feels, isn't it?  You wait and wait, you think this is it and then that is it, and it isn't.  Makes a heart sick.  But then, after the waiting, after the trial and the error, it happens.  It's fulfilled.  It can be realized in a moment.  This process, of searching and seeking, of waiting and dreaming, is the Hope.  It's the journey.  It's a tree of Life.

This pilgrimage is the Tree of Life growing.  It goes through seasons of drought and seasons of fruit.  It goes through sunny days and rainy days. Each of them essential.  Each of them part of the voyage.

There's beauty in a leaf budding in the spring, and there is also allure in a leaf changing color in the Fall.  There's even elegance when there are no leaves at all.  If the leaves stayed during the winter, the ice would surely only bogg them down.  No, the winter needs the branches.  Because the branches can hold the stiffness of frozen water whereas the leaves could not.  And after the branches have done their duty, the leaves will bloom again.  They'll produce new fruit, new life.  And so goes the process.

That's how today feels.  Perhaps it's the after holiday "blues".  Perhaps it's that job you hoped you'd get or the miracle you were counting on.  It's hope deferred for a moment.  But then, if you allow it, it becomes a Tree of Life.  You feel the disappointment and you let the grief ride, and then, you get ready. You become available for the next installment.  What is my Hope for the day?  You can answer it the way you'd like.

Mine includes a faithful God.  A series of faithful acts when I've been faithless.  Another series of forgiveness when I've not been very forgiving.  Favor when I've not always acted righteously.  And love when sometimes love was the last thing on my mind.  He has become my Tree of Life.  He is my desire fulfilled.  And when my mind stays fast on this, the seasons seem a lot easier.  Not nearly as traumatic or unnerving.  Life is better.  My desire is fulfilled.  And my life goes through the pruning, through the sometimes drought, and through the blooming with great anticipation of what's to come.  The good that will be fostered, the truth that will be embroidered onto my soul, and the stature that is to be gained...that of a dense and lofty oak.  It is righteous and wise, strong and virtuous.  The sun gleams through its leaves and children play in its shade.  It's my legacy to leave.  It's my story and my song.

It is my Hope for today.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

 ⁸ We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

(corresponding song: This is Home by Jon Foreman)

Catch up Monday.

It's Catch up Monday.  Flew back from "The Cleve" yesterday early morning.  Way early.  And somehow on both our way to and from Ohio, we escaped radiation and pat downs. Whew.

We hopped off the air-o-plane and headed back home in our yellow SUV to meet a very happy St. Bernard who was awaiting our arrival.

It was a good Thanksgiving.  Full of laughing and baby-kissing.  And board games.

Today, it's back to the sweetness of home.  Time to catch up on laundry, to catch up on spine adjustments after a week of missing chiropractic appointments, and then to vacuum the couches from where Howie slept all week with his muddy paws.  Yesterday, on the plane ride home, I had great aspirations for how much catching up I would do today.  Yet, today, I have lacked a bit of motivation.  It's hard to switch gears.  Going "home" for the holidays is almost like an alternate reality.  Then, you get back to your current home, and you gotta ease your way back in.  So, easy does it.

Laundry is spinning in the dryer while making that clacking noise from one of my jean buttons.  The baby monitor is pulsing next to me with the sound of the "womb" on Ella's sound machine.  Howie is snoring while sprawled out next to the couch.  And our bare Christmas tree is letting its branches fall a bit from being tied up at the lot.  There's a smell of evergreen in the air, and all is slow and peaceful.

I've got a list of Christmas creations in my head.  Excited to get to them.  But today, I'm committing to rest.  Soakin' up the slowness of a Monday at home post holiday.  It's refreshing and restful.  Getting back to quiet.  And spending the day with no expectations.

So, with that, I'm off to curl up with a good book.  Hot coffee in hand.  Blanket on lap.  Big pillow behind me.

Happy Monday.

(corresponding song:  Love Vigilantes by Iron and Wine)

Celebrate we will.

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying AYO
Gotta let go
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying AYO
Baby, let's go

I came to dance, dance, dance, dance...


Turkey Day is almost here.  You know what that means.  


Celebration.


One of my most favorite things.


Lots of good food. David's cookin'. Babies are laughing. Family movies on the tube.  And Scattergories being played in the dining room.


Oh yea.


And then, there's dinner at the table.  Ever since I was a little kid, I've had this thing about eating meals at the table.  There's something about the connection that happens over a meal that makes the supernatural occur; it's family.  And, yes, as dysfunctional as family can be sometimes, it is in fact, supernatural.  And it's during these times, at the dinner table (over a Turkey perhaps) where everything in the world stops for just a little while, and for a few minutes, we give thanks.


Now, if I had it my way, my thanks would probably include some sort of dancin'; it's just the way I am.  You know, hands up in the air, booty shakin', head bobbin' THANKS.  That's just how I roll. Lots to be thankful for this year. LOTS.


I may not exactly have the opportunity to sport my thanks this way at dinner.  But it's not stoppin' me now.  Today I've got to pack, to clean, and to dance.  It's just bubbling up...and when it starts bubblin', you don't dare stop it.  So, it'll be one of those soapy dish hands meets the Jackson Five, vacuum sweeping lady meets Shakira (yikes), and diaper changin' mama meets Chubby Checker days.  I might even have to break out my disco ball.  Yes, I have one.  It's for parties, ok?


And today's one of those party days.


Here's some of the beauty in which I get to give thanks for this year.

Yes, 2010, you've been mighty nice to me this year.  And, I give thanks.


Happy Thanksgiving!


In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 
--1 Thessalonians 5:18


(corresponding song: Dynamite by Taio Cruz)

Ode to Women

Ever hear voices? You know, the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other?

This one tells you to run, that one tells you to stay.

And then you add yourself to the mix, then you add your spouse, your friends, your boss, etc. etc. etc.  Pretty soon, you can possibly be the barometer of any room (or so it feels).

If you are a sensitive spirit, like myself, you are very aware of these "voices".  Sometimes you can hear them without someone even saying anything.  You can just feel it.  They speak with body language, with tone, with frequencies.  Some people call it intuition, some people call it discernment, some people call it flat out crazy.

And it's me.

And, it may be you, too? It seems to be a lot of women.  Their sensory organs are extraordinary. They see through eyes, ears, and their spirit. They just "get" stuff without it needing to be explained.  They read between the lines, they sense this or that, they just "know".  We, women, are a special breed.  And I've really come to love us.

Women often get a bad rap for being oversensitive, emotional, or irrational.  Their feelings can be berated and overlooked as sweet or cute.  Their role looked upon as little helper.  This mindset really makes my blood boil.  Because these women, these sensitive spirits, these intercessors...they go to war daily.  Not only for themselves, but for their husbands, for their families, for the world.

If you've ever met a woman, you know this.  You don't mess with a Mama Bear.  And yet, the voices are strong, and the war can be brutal.

These "voices" can come in the form of a serpent in a garden or also from an angelic beauty that appears to a 13 year old young virgin.  The voice of the serpent deceived the woman into the fall of mankind.  The voice of the angelic beauty supernaturally birthed the Savior for the same mankind.  That's some serious business.

And you know what? It seems as though God likes to choose women to be ambassadors for that serious business.  Every day, women are giving birth and and also enlisting in the military. They are rising in government office and they are also at home raising children.  Women are multi-faceted beings that carry life, love, and war.  They cannot be put in a box.

Last year around this time, I was about 7 months pregnant with Ella.  I remember carrying my big belly around and thinking about Mary a lot.  About what it felt like to be pregnant with a supernatural being by supernatural means.  Her baby would be both God and man; a combination of perfection.  This also made me think about the supernatural being in my belly.  The meaning of Ella is the female form of "who is like God".  She, also, would carry the likeness of God and the essence of woman.  Another combination of perfection.  And, me, the blessed one...who was chosen to carry and to birth her.

Just this alone, gives the term woman a whole new value.  We are feelers, we are warriors, we are birthers.  And we have been chosen to do so.

Seems as though there are a lot of women on the rise right now.  At least when I look around or when I talk to them, I hear a cry coming from within them to build.  They're tired of being put on the back-burner, tired of being pushed around, and tired of being confined to their ladies Bible study.  They're ready to make history.  They're ready for war.  They're ready to say something.

And those voices I mentioned earlier? Those senses, that discernment, that intuition?  It only makes them more accurate.  The battles will only sharpen their skills for when they have reached the top of the mountain.  It will only add to their authority and to their honor.

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, perhaps because it keeps getting put in my path.  It feels like we're at the brink of change.  In fact, we are already in change.  This is just another part of it.

So, my faithful blog readers, my friends, and women in the world, I salute you today! For your sacrifices, for your faith, for no longer putting up with the small boxes that have tried to cramp your style and your giftings.  May the world be yours and all your dreams with it...

Happy Monday!

(corresponding song: Mushaboom by Feist)

On the Move

Yes, yes. She's on the move... We're on the move.

And off she goes...

Sometimes she has to go backward in order to end up going forward. Know what I'm sayin'?
And sometimes, she gets stuck under a chair. And that's ok, too. It gives her a chance to rest and to inspect all the crevices of the hardwood floor (which she loves to do by the way).
She is such a picture. As I watched her move around yesterday, I was amazed. Her little life is quite the representation of how we learn and grow. I realize that every parent probably thinks this...because it's the first time we can actually watch "ourselves" grow from a different angle. It really is a gift from God.

I kept thinking about her crawling yesterday. How she just goes all over the floor...backwards. She happily just cruised around, rubbing little worn out spots into the knees of her pj's, scoopin' up a few Howie hairs along the way. She had no problem with going backward. And even though in my adult mind, it seems funny to go backward first, it really seemed to make sense to me yesterday.

Because, in fact, going backward will actually turn into going forward. And going forward will turn into standing and standing will turn into walking. Walking to running. You get the picture.

As I've been taking inventory, I was realizing it's kind of like crawling backward. Sometimes before you move ahead, you need to take some time to look back. I seem to do this a lot when I'm going through some sort of transition. I can already feel the transition for the New Year brewing. I always get this way around this time of year. Takin' a good look at my last 11 months. The good, the bad, the ugly. Where have I grown? What have I learned? What could use some improvement and what flat out needs to change? Then, I give thanks...for all of it. Celebratin' the good times and the hard times. For all that makes us love, overcome, and succeed. And then after Thanksgiving, it's full blown nesting. Let's get ready for that new baby come Christmas. And at Christmas, we celebrate, too. New birth, new life...and presents. I love presents.

And after Christmas, comes...New Year's (more presents!).

I'm not necessarily a big New Years Resolution person. More like a Bucket List person. I tend to drive myself crazy when I force myself into some kind of organized program. But, when I make a list of things I'd like to do that year, it gives my year a whole new meaning. It gives me expectation and a tangible way of watching my dreams come true. You've got to be faithful in believin' for a little, that way when it comes true, it gives you the faith to believe for a lot. That's how I like to live anyway.

So, as I've been taking my inventory this month, I've also been makin' my 2011 Bucket List. It's lookin' mighty fine so far. Lots to look forward to. Maybe when I get finished, I'll share some of it with you... :)

(corresponding song: Falling for You by Colbie Caillat)

Inventory Days

I've been studying codependency the last, um, 6 years. Funny thing to study you say? Not if you're codependent. We all are to a degree, some more than others, depending on your personality, gifting, woundedness, etc. It's just one of those real life things.

Every so often, I take an inventory of myself. It's not usually a scheduled thing, it's usually a God-timing thing. Like when He's trying to tell me something, and I'm not listening. Then, lo and behold, things start going wrong. Start having a bad day here and a bad day there. Anxiety starts to creep back in, or I start to worry about something stupid. Anybody ever been there? Yea, I thought so.

Anyway, I usually end up getting to a point where I realize my life has yet again become unmanageable. When this happens, I usually start by subconsciously playing the victim card (I'll probably blog about this one later, it's a doozy). It sounds something like "Why did this happen to me? I didn't do anything wrong. Blah blah blah. Woe is me." We all know it, and again, some of us know it better than others.

Next, I move to some sort of rationalization. "Well, I only did it because xyz. I had to protect myself, they would have been mad and it would have caused a big blow up, or they just don't understand." Or my personal favorite, "If I don't do it, nobody will." Blah blah blah.

Finally, I get back to some sort of a reality. (Thank you, God.) At this point, I decide...it's time to start taking inventory. Where did my days start going bad? Where did my life take the detour into the wild jungle?

For me, it usually ends up somewhere in the codependent/enabling category. Doing too much for others, not saying no even when I want to, or the ever-so-clever staying busy taking care of everyone else while my own life is falling apart. I used to live here......real bad. Nowadays, it's not so bad. The last six years, though painful as they were, stripped me of a lot of those deep-rooted behaviors. But every once and awhile, I'll get a chance to go a little further, take another step. Get another chance to say "no". This usually brings fear at first (proving that I am still codependent). I get a good work-up, go through the pros and cons in my head, and then I finally take the plunge (because in my guts, I can't possibly survive if I don't do it). And, I say no. Whew. And you know what? It feels darn good. And for me, a lot of those wild jungle adventures start to slow down. Things start coming back into place, and not only into place, but into a Higher place.

It's usually messy. It's usually a little grueling and uncomfortable. I don't typically come in riding a white horse, saving the day. Instead, it usually looks opposite. I stumble, get nervous, doubt myself. But I once heard that courage is not that you do something with bravery but that you do something you are scared to do. I like that. That is real life stuff.

You know what else is real life stuff? The Twelve Steps. Take a looky for yourself, alcoholic or codependent or whatever type of addict you may be, and see what ya think. Happy Thursday!

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects in character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

P.S. Coincidentally, my blog is well established now and ready to go. So, if you enjoy following me, bookmark or "follow" this page. I'm giving my FB account the ax tomorrow, so you'll no longer be able to click on the links I've been posting. If, however, you like what I say and want to share it, feel free. You just click on one of those "share" buttons below. ;)

(corresponding song: Heart of Life by John Mayer)

Butterflies are Free.

"I only ask to be free. The butterflies are free." --Charles Dickens

Butterflies are Free. That's what I'm workin' on saying.

It's my monologue piece. About 2 minutes long and comical, yet also fearful and a little sad. In this piece, my character, Jill, is trying to convince herself into why she cannot become emotionally involved with the man she is falling in love with. She's made some silly mistakes, like being married for six days during high school, to none other than a guy named Jack...and from what I gather, she's the one who ended it. And the dread of her hurting someone else (or herself) is what keeps her from moving forward into love. Instead, she just "flies" from one place to another. In addition, she is also an aspiring actress, is constantly eating, and adores butterflies. Yes, I like her. She is messy and chaotic and beautiful and fun.

And there's something about her that feels like...me. I've been married for longer than six days, but I can relate to her fears of getting hurt and hurting someone else. It's that tugging and slugging that happens in a chrysalis. And, I can definitely relate to what a chrysalis feels like.

I finished monotonously memorizing my lines last week. Then, I spent some time doing a character analysis. And, low and behold, did my life become Jill Tanner's for the weekend. Very fun...and not fun at the same time.

I felt her anxiety and her low self-esteem. I considered if it was worth it to move forward into something that seems to be scary and perhaps very committing of myself. I looked at the two versions of a butterfly. There are butterflies that go from place to place not being committed to anything; those butterflies are "free". And there are butterflies that are committed to something, like love, and those butterflies are a deeper type of free.

Needless to say, this Jill Tanner, she and I became great friends this week.

I'll get to officially step into her shoes tomorrow...twice. 10 students + 1 teacher gawking at the experience. It'll be my time to SAY SOMETHING.

Would love to hear what you're workin' on saying...whether it's art or exercise or administrative or poetic...

P.S. Check out this blog. Amazing!

(corresponding song: Up by Shania Twain)

Just Say No to Religion

Been workin' on my "sayin". Next thing I know...here come the Rule Keepers. They always like to show up when you're having a good time...or about to have a good time.

Call 'em Pharisee's. Call 'em Sadducees. Call 'em demons who try to disguise themselves as godly. Whatever way they come, they're nothing more than religious spirits. And you know what? They are seriously annoying.

Jesus really thought so. There are more than a few instances of him givin' these guys a run for their money. He even called them names. Brood of vipers. Hypocrites. Blind.

They'd show up when He'd heal someone on the Sabbath and claim he was sinning because he wasn't "resting". They'd set up rules for other people to measure up to, but they couldn't follow through themselves. They hated Jesus, so they tried to follow him around and stir up trouble. Mainly with their man-made rules.

Don't get me wrong. Rules have their place. They keep us safe, and they give us boundaries. They also are guidelines to encourage righteous living. Those kind of rules, I'm ok with. But the Pharisee kind of rules, the controlling and condemning kind, they've gotta go.

Sad thing, though, is the way many of us entertain these kind of rules and then masquerade them as Truth. I admit, I've done it. I've had my Pharisee days and my Sadducee ones. And boy was I miserable. And you know who else was miserable? All those people around me.

And not only that, you know what else I was? Sick. Remember that forgiveness dance? Yea, desperately needed one of those around that time. My body was weak and my mind even weaker. Why? Because there is no freedom in religion. What?? Sarah, I thought you were a Christian. Why yes. I certainly am. I love Jesus, the man who died, who took my place, who offered me grace instead of death. Him, I love. But religion, I do not. Because religion is control, it's rules, it's constricting, and it's life-sucking. No thanks.

Those religious days left me spiraling around constantly trying to do everything "right", keeping my to do list loaded up with good deeds for the day, and keeping me bound to none other than the endless cycle of "ministry mentality". And all the while, I was missing God.

Don't get me wrong. Deep down, my intentions were good. I wanted to help, to be compassionate, and to live a full life. But what I needed first...was some serious therapy. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Cause you know where those religious spirits flourish? In a heart that has not known Love.

So, in our effort to feel Loved, we try to either 1. to love and/or to fix everyone else without really knowing what Love is (which, might I add, leads to exhaustion) or 2. we judge other people who are living Life because we're jealous or 3. both.

Seems like a common problem. I know a lot of church folk who mean well but who don't do well. And for those of you who've encountered them (most likely all of us), I'm sorry. We all know not what we do.

So, I've decided something. Let's start a new trend. The old one is obviously not working. It's actually making things worse.

This new trend will be a peacemaker, with ourselves and with others. It will be birthed out of humility of spirit and out of honor for others. It will encourage the down-trodden and give life to the broken. It will speak joy into the hopeless heart, and it will make the bearer feel undoubtedly alive. And it will involve dancing, lots and lots of dancing.

And with the dancing, parties. Lots and lots of celebration.

Celebration over what Love has done.

And joyful anticipation over what it will do...

"I've come so that they might have Life, and have it to the Full." --John 10:10

(corresponding song: Early in the Morning by Gap Band)

Stage Fright

So, I'm taking a Monologue class. Just started on this past Tuesday and culminates next Tuesday, kind of an "intensive" if you will. We started the workshop by sharing why each of us was there, what kind of acting we had previously done, what kind of acting we might like to do. After we were done with our introductions, our teacher said "Do you know what the number one fear is?" Stage Fright. Even before death. That means...people are more scared to stand up in front of a crowd and say something than to DIE.

Wow.

You'd think that in a country of free speech, more people might be inclined to share. Now of course, there are plenty who do share and overshare and scream and berate; I'm not talking about them. They might want to share a little less. I'm talking about those of us who want to share, who almost boil inside with something to give, whether it be words, or deeds, or art.

But then something creeps us to keep us from doing it.

I've known this little creepy "friend" for some time now, and I've had to keep my eye very closely on him. He tries to sneak in when the timing's right or when I'm a little low on my luck. And then he sometimes disguises himself by switching identities. Then he insists I need to do something too quickly, too bluntly, and with too much barf attached to it. Yes, I said barf.

But I'm working on it. Working on my balance. And working on getting rid of my so-called "friend".

Anyway, back that stage fright thing.

I pondered it a lot last night. What's holding us back? Why are so many good people being struggling right now? And then I got the answer. "They're stuck in the middle. They need to say something." So, then my next question was "What do I need to say? What do they need to say?" The answer was yet again, simple. "Whatever you WANT to say." Hmmmm... What's that message that's brewing in your life right now? Is it mad, sad, happy, difficult, exhilarating, hopeful? Say it. Dance it. Paint it. Write it. Run it. Sing it. Cook it. Snap a picture of it. Sculpt it. Let it out. Tell that old friend "Hasta La Viesta, baby" by saying something...something from inside you. Something from your guts.

After all that's how the Israelites took care of Jericho. They walked around that thing 7 times and then shouted. Shouted! And those walls, those obstacles just came a tumblin' down.

If you're the cartoon type, this is a snippet of Ella's favorite video of the last 3 months. She will only watch this, nothing else. What a little spiritual barometer she is. :) Enjoy...

and then say something! :)

Josh and the Big Wall

Romans 8:18-21

^18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

^22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

(corresponding song: Stuck in the Middle With You by Steelers Wheel)

Sappy Love Song of the Day

There's something about sappy love songs. Can't get enough of 'em. I listen to Delilah year round. Just can't help myself.

I have even found myself driving home, tears running down my face, listening to Endless Love. Call it the dreamer in me or the romantic...or the sheer crazy if you want. I'll probably respond to any of those. But what I really am, deep down, is the Beloved.

And it's just there's something about hearing a sappy love song after you've had a bad day or a good day, but especially a bad day, that makes being serenaded by an 80's band so...refreshing. It's the perfect culmination of a day or week or month of pushing forward towards Love, your dreams, or whatever may be in your path.

I've gotten a few emails and phone calls from friends lately who have been having a hard time...going through some stuff, hard stuff. Nothing seems to be going right, or setback after setback, sickness after sickness. Well, sweet friends, I dedicate this song to you. You're on the Journey of Love. A Love that stops at nothing to perfect the wrongs, the injustices, and the setbacks. Sometimes you have to go through them, in order to process them and then to conquer them. It's not a punishment, you're not losing the battle. The process is really a gift, to show you the sweetness of victory. To allow you to feel. To bring you into intimacy, and to allow you to share in the sufferings of not only the One but also the person down the line who will need your life experience to encourage them. Life is gonna be ok. You're going to be ok. You're unconditionally loved, and nothing's gonna stop that (pun intended). So sit back, relax, and listen deep. Someone wants to sing you a song...

...and if you don't cry, at least you can smile. :)

Romans 8:38-40 (The Message)

^31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

(corresponding song: Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship)

Twas a great weekend.

First off, an extra hour of sleep. Hallelujah. And Ella slept in, too.

Second, no showers all weekend (and we even went out in public). And even though the adults played irresponsible, we did decide to give Ella a bath in the big girl tub. I would have posted a picture but I was playing the part of hyperventilating mom, sitting on the edge of the tub reciting the statistics of how it only takes a baby 4 ounces of inhaled water to drown. David, on the other hand, was a trooper. It was, of course, his idea to put her in the big girl tub in the first place. And though Ella did fantastic for the most part, I did have to pull her up quickly by her arm once, maybe slightly pre-maturely (or maybe not!), but I'm not totally crazy. I'm just a first time mom.

Thirdly, we cleaned house. We spent our extra hour on Sunday morning tearin' this place up. I mean, every inch of the floor Simple Green-ed and every Howie hair (and boy do they hide) vacuumed up. The process was somewhat exhilarating, you know, cleaning cause you want to--not cause you have to. I did, however, remind Howie that he should take security and pleasure in knowing that he will be the ONLY dog that we will ever have like him. No need to fret, Howie. You are our one-of-a-kind pet...the only one we will ever own that needs to be Furminator-ed weekly, that slobbers puddles, and that can wear a saddle. We love you, bud.

And Fourth, because of the kindness and support of all of you, it is time! I have officially started my first book. Monumental, I tell you. This thing has been baking in the oven for a long time. I have no idea how long it will take to finish, but that doesn't really matter to me at this point. I love the thrill and creativity of each page, pen to the paper, recorded thoughts out in the open. Thanks for being part of my process; you have built my faith to move forward!

Lots of good stuff this weekend. And a busy, fun week ahead. Happy Monday!

(corresponding song: Everybody Dance Now by C&C Music Factory)

El Roi, the God who sees.

To Dance: Part II

Perhaps you want to do this dance, this forgiveness dance. But you don't know how. You get angry, but it's not enough. It doesn't release enough because there is still an aching in your soul. There are still too many unanswered questions. Too much tugging at you to keep you from reaching the point of relief.

You know what has always helped me? Having someone with me. Knowing that there is another person with you who was there, who understands your feelings, whether you can express them or not. Isn't that what we're all searching for? Living life with someone...having someone understand us, validate us, and truly see us. Having someone tell us that "things will be ok" even if the walk is hard, even if the valley seems deep, and even if the pain seems too big.

It's part of being human. The desire for communion with another, the need for intimacy, the longing for someone to be so deeply connected to you that you could let all that other stuff go. A communion so deep that the freedom of Love would be enough to break down the walls of hurt and fear and unforgiveness. A place where you knew that you were safe...to just be. No performance, no striving, no worries of not being enough. No need to hide behind this career or that to do list, no need to hide behind this religious slogan or that hardened heart. I think we're all tired of it. All the "keeping it together". That keeping it together is often what holds us back from forgiving. Because if we acknowledge that we have been hurt, then we have to make a choice to forgive or not. If we decide to forgive, then we have to acknowledge the feelings that come from our hurt. If we feel those feelings, then we want someone to be with us. We don't want to be alone.

Well, there is good news. You don't need to be alone. There has been someone watching, and He knows exactly how you feel. You still may not understand all they why's in your head, but in reality it doesn't truly matter. Because this man, this El Roi, has experienced even worse. He was stripped naked, beaten, spit on, and hanged on a cross...and the paradox is, He had committed no crime. His only "offense" was claiming that he was Messiah, the Savior. Each of us, I'd say, could make quite a list of offenses. And those offenses, no matter big or small, deserve a consequence. But what if this, El Roi, said "Don't worry. I've got that one. I'll take it up for you." Changes things, doesn't it? Not only did he see what happened, but he also experienced it, and in his perfection, He made provision for it. Lash after lash, nail after nail. It makes it easier to let go...knowing that your circumstance has not only been understood, but it also has been carried by another. And in the carrying, it was forgiven.

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights. Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." --Psalm 56:8

(corresponding song: Crash into Me by Dave Matthews Band)

To Dance

I recently had a friend tell me that in Hebrew the word Forgiveness is translated "to dance".

Beautiful, isn't it?

I think so. Because this dance, it's changed my life.

This dance, also known in my world as joy, comes from a place deep inside. So deep and so big that sometimes I have no idea how to contain it all. I'm so full that I have no idea what to do with myself. What a problem to have, right?

Well, if you're interested, I'll tell you the secret...

Those who have been forgiven much, forgive much.

And, well, it's hard to have this joy if you don't have forgiveness. It's just this little lesson I've learned over the years. You see, the more I held onto the wrong others had done to me, the more I hardened and got stiff-necked. The more I held a grudge, the more my body tightened up. The more I decided "I'd show them", the more I lost myself.

And let me tell you, I had plenty reason to be angry.... I just didn't have reason to not forgive.

It only kept me captive, making me bitter and sick inside. It attacked my mind and my body. I was tired, worn out, and mentally exhausted. Sound familiar?

It may be a common misconception to believe that to forgive is weak, to forgive is to say what happened was ok, or that to forgive is not worth it. I would beg to differ. Because it was when I started on this journey of forgiveness that I began to Live.

Forgiving others.

Forgiving myself.

And when I started to do so, I started to see parts of my soul open up. I started to remember things I had forgotten. I started to respond to this new-found freedom with a new fervency and a new level of creativity; portals opened up and I was sucked inside.

And then started...the Dance. As I let go, things changed. I saw reality shift before my very eyes. Those people I had forgiven, they started dancing, too. Addictions broke off. Relationships were restored. Miracles took place. Nothing short of the supernatural, I tell you. No doctor or psychic could have done or predicted this. This was death being resurrected to Life. This was Christmas turned Easter. That baby boy I told you about yesterday, well, not only did He birth a love in me, He also birthed a love in them. And from then on, things were different.

Was/is it always easy? No. Is it often a process? Yes.

But there are also times where it's a moment. And it's in those moments when the dance starts to rise.

And when the dance starts to rise, when you touch that freedom, there's no turning back.

That's when you change. That's when you start to Live. That's when you can change the world.

Matthew 26:27-29

Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."

(corresponding song: Into the Night by Santana)

Joy.

Psalm 23

A David Psalm

^1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

⁴ Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

⁵ You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

⁶ Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

This passage is often read at funerals. Many times before, I've looked at it and/or read it and felt, in a way, sad. It made me think of death more than life. I don't know, probably something about Death Valley? And in those days, at that time, it was easier to cling to the sad instead of cling to the joy.

The ironic thing is that this passage, though very common, has been one of those Life passages for me...following me around, sneaking up on me when I least expect it, given to me by random persons who asked God for a word of encouragement for me, and even spoken into my heart in the middle of the night by God Himself. Ever woken up to that? It's a sweet treat to a nursing-in-the-middle-of-the-night mama. The stillness of midnight, the cuddle of a 20 pound silky-skinned babe (who smells amazing by the way), and a tender conversation with God. Let me tell you, it makes getting up three times a night worth it. Especially when...

...you get to this point where the Death Valley isn't so sad anymore. Because instead of spending time in Death Valley...

you spend time in the House of God.

And instead of pessimism, you embrace Hope. In exchange for unforgiveness, you receive Grace. And instead of sadness, you taste Joy. Sounds kinda like Christmas, doesn't it? Perhaps like a baby boy in a manger? Yes, sounds a lot like Jesus. Little (or a lot) did the David of this Psalm know that this baby boy, who exchanged death for life and sadness for joy, would come through his bloodline...that the God of the Universe would place the Redemption of mankind in his family. Maybe this is why David is called "A man after God's own heart"...because he possessed something that God valued. A heart that pulsed, that breathed, and that felt the very heartbeat of his Creator. He was passionate, he was gut-wrenchingly honest, and he fell way short of perfect. Yet, God chose his lineage to birth a Savior. Perhaps the same could happen with me and you? I think so. In fact, I know so. It is the very experience that I am currently going through. It is the Christ-in-me that is being birthed...that's this Love I'm talking about. And, yup, I've gone overboard. Overflowin' in the good stuff. And this is just the beginning...

There is still a lot more to come.

You know how I know?

Cause there are still a lot of dreams to dream...and a lot of promises to be fulfilled.

And I'm waiting to see my God show up.

Not because I'm testing Him.

But because I now excitedly wait to see how He will love me, to see how He will show up for me, and to see how He will provide for me.

Joy. It's definitely the good stuff. Cheers!

(corresponding song: Stole my Heart by Little and Ashley)

Lots to celebrate.

First off, someone got her first tooth yesterday! Though I would love to show you a picture (because, yes, I am that mom), I can't. Ella isn't a fan of us looking in her mouth for teeth. Perhaps its because we've been waitin' for this little bugger for 3 months! Oh yea....there's some teeth in da house!

Next, Ella had her first vote yesterday. Ok, not really. But the older gentlemen who led me to my booth said, "She needs one of these!", and proceeded to give her a sticker even though I cleverly let him know she can't read yet. He just smiled and said, "in due time". So, of this memory, I did take a picture...and giggled as she proudly strutted her "I voted" sticker all day. I mean, this little genius could be president some day. Daddy already sported her slogan sign: "Ella June 2048". (How's that for making us feel old?)

Third on the agenda...

It may seem small to you, but within the last week, I have become a black coffee drinker. What???? Yes! Not even cream. I don't know what has come over me! I'm the girl who used to wake up in our first year of marriage and drink that "coffee drink" stuff...you know, the International Cafe sugary powder you mix with water (which now makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it). David would just look at me and say "Awww...you're so cute", and now he's like "What a beast! Way to go, babe!" The beast part is endearing, mind you.

And fourth...this one is gonna sound a little cooky. I'm just warning you. We've starting brewing and fermenting a fantastic tea called Kombucha. It's a special tea that is fermented for a week with a SCOBY (Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast) to produce a delicious tea that is full of B Vitamins and essential amino acids. And, it's super good for your gut. If you want to gently cleanse your liver and kidneys while also flushing out your intestines, drink up. The crazy part is that each week, your SCOBY grows a "baby" AKA another SCOBY. So, you can pass on the love to someone else who wants to start brewing kombucha. All that to say, we are celebrating a new baby in the house, a SCOBY baby. Who wants it? First come, first serve!

So, fill me in. What are YOU celebrating today?

P.S. Thank you for all your sweet comments on my blog. They make my day!

(corresponding song: Celebrate Good Times by Cool and the Gang)

Hopeful Romantic

There's no turning back. I've gone over the deep end.

I've been swept up in Love and now can only react by seeing the good in life. A change of perspective. Ahhhhh....so refreshing.

The Autumn evening greets me with a crisp breeze on my face and that "almost" winter smell that comes at the sun sets. Ella giggles at the air as she jumps wild and free in her johnny-jumper. Howie rolls over with a big yawn only to open his eyes enough check on us before dozing back into dreamland. Then David grabs my hand, and we dance in the kitchen while making dinner.

I've gone over the deep end.

All those small details that seemed so distracting and hopeless...they just fall by the wayside. All that striving...what a waste of energy. All that busy busy busy...meaningless... if you're not in love.

A change in perspective...It's good for the soul.

Let go...fall in Love...I double-dog dare you..... :)

---

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.

- Vincent van Gogh

(corresponding song: Cheek to Cheek by Ella Fitzgerald)

Love

This says it all. One of my favorite books from college, "The Greatest Salesman in the World" by Og Mandino.

Happy Monday.

Chapter Nine: The Scroll Marked II

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscle can split a shield and even destroy life but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men and until I master this art I will remain no more than a peddler in the market place. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on whom I call can defend against its force.

My reasoning they may counter; my speech they may distrust; my apparel they may disapprove; my face they may reject; and even my bargains may cause them suspicion; yet my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest clay.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and I will be borne again. I will love the sun for warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due, yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I speak? I will laud mine enemies and they will become friends; I will encourage my friends and they will become brothers. Always will I dig for reasons to applaud; never will I scratch for excuses to gossip. When I am tempted to criticize I will bite my tongue; when I am moved to praise I will shout from the roofs.

Is it not so that birds, the wind, the sea and all nature speaks with the music of praise for their creator? Cannot I speak with the same music to his children? Henceforth will I remember this secret and it will change my life.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I act? I will love all manners of men for each has qualities to be admired even though they be hidden. With love I will tear down the wall of suspicion and hate which they have built round their hearts and in its place will I build bridges so that my love may enter their souls.

I will love the ambitious for they can inspire me! I will love the failures for they can teach me. I will love the kings for they are but human; I will love the meek for they are divine. I will love the rich for they are yet lonely; I will love the poor for they are so many. I will love the young for the faith they hold; I will love the old for the wisdom they share. I will love the beautiful for their eyes of sadness; I will love the ugly for their souls of peace.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

But how will I react to the actions of others? With love. For just as love is my weapon to open the hearts of men, love is also my shield to repluse the arrows of hate and spears of anger. Adversity and discouragement will beat against my new shield and become as the softest of rains. My shield will protect me in the market place and sustain me when I am alone. It will uplift me in moments of despair yet it will calm me in time of exultation. It will become stronger and more protective with use until one day I will cast it aside and walk unencumbered among the manners of men and, when I do, my name will be raised high on the pyramid of life.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I confront each whom I meet? In only one way. In silence and to myself I will address him and say I Love You. Though spoken in silence these words will shine in my eyes, unwrinkle my brow, bring a smile to my lips, and echo in my voice; and his heart will be opened. And who is there who will say nay to my goods when his heart feels my love?

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh, rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation. Never will I allow my mind to be attracted to evil and despair, rather I will uplift it with the knowledge and wisdom of the ages. Never will I allow my soul to become complacent and satisfied, rather I will feed it with meditation and prayer. Never will I allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather I will share it and it will grow and warm the earth.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

Henceforth will I love all mankind. From this moment all hate is let from my veins for I have not time to hate, only time to love. From this moment I take the first step required to become a man among men. With love I will increase my sales a hundredfold and become a great salesman. If I have no other qualities I can succeed with love alone. Without it I will fail though I possess all the knowledge and skills of the world.

I will greet this day with love, and I will succeed.

(corresponding song: In Your Eyes (acoustic) by Sara Barielles)