Voice.

I've had an awfully emotional several days over here. I've had moments of peace and then moments of stress. I've taken naps, prayed desperate prayers, and also sang one too many a Veggie Tale song.  We're still in the process of deciding whether or not we are to move--as in put our house up for sale.  Make no mistake, we are moving over here. We are cleaning and decluttering and fixing up things around this house that desperately needed to get done.  If we find out later on this week that physically moving into another house is not an option, we won't feel slighted.  In fact, in certain ways, I think we'll feel relieved--because we're tired from all the movin' we're already doing.  But you know what? That's what makes this process so interesting and so very much God.  He's taken us from a place of complete shock to a place of "Whoa, are You really doing this?" to "I don't know if I can do this" to "Ok, I think we could do this" to "Is this really, God? Should we do this?" to "You know what, I'm happy either way" to "I really wanna do this" to "You know, I won't be disappointed if we don't do this" to "I think I have Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick Syndrome".

And that's where I landed today.

I was all emotional and blah blah blah. Crying over little things. Irritable. And then I prayed.

I realized that it's not so much at all about what I really "want". The truth is that at this point I am happy to move into a new, bigger house (and really, there is only one that we have our eye on), and I'm also completely happy to stay in my current house--because after all this cleaning and project-doing, it IS a new house.  Aside from my emotional breakdown this morning, I feel really free. I have faced my fears and moved junk outta the way. Trashed stuff that was no good and gave away things that I wasn't using.  I already feel like my Hope has come.  He has met me in a variety of sweet and unique and personal ways the past few weeks--and in all reality, that is what I was after. Peace.

But this morning, I had gotten myself into a big frenzy over this one thing: Hope Deferred.  I hadn't accepted the Hope that was right in front of me.  I got caught up in the times where I felt like God didn't show up the way I was hoping for. And how dare He not give me everything I wanted the way I wanted it?! I got scared. I got heart sick.

And, then, I just told Him. "God, I'm heart sick over here--blubbering on this couch cause I'm pregnant and hormonal and my baby hasn't napped well this week. I've been cleaning up this house like a crazy person, and I don't even know if I'm moving anywhere.  P.S. Did I mention that I've been having scary dreams?"

Oh boy.

And then, He showed up. He let me cry and feel what I needed to feel.  And after that, He helped me move on.

I organized my chore list, and I played with my sweet baby girl. I put her down for a nap (to which she immediately fell asleep--imagine that). I was mopping the hard wood floors when my huh-knee called for a brief chat.  And you know what he said? "I just wanted to hear your voice." So then, I got off the phone... and cried a little more.

I headed upstairs to my Voice Over closet, and I decided to send in a few auditions. I used my little voice that He so tenderly wanted to hear, and I said something. And then, I just happened to check my blog to see that my little side career of writing on politics, well, it put my blog over the 10,000 reads mark.  I say this not to toot my own horn but to show you that 10,000 times people were interested in what I have to say. 10,000. That means, that all these little emotional rants I go on where I actually feel my feelings instead of stuffing them and then somehow graciously find God in the process, mean something.  And you know what? Yours do, too.

You may not write about it, but you may paint about it, or take pictures about it, or teach your kids about it, or care for sick patients about it.  No matter which way, that Hope that comes in the midst of the process, it just oozes out of you.  And people are dying of Hopelessness.  Dying, yet again, of Heart Disease. Of Hope Deferred Makes the Heart Sick Syndrome.

And all the while, He's been right here--just ever-so-patiently waiting for us to feel our feelings and then share our little voices with Him.  He's a Dad.  And that's the kind of stuff Dad's live for.

And then, if we end up so inclined, He just might ask us to share that voice we've discovered with other people.  You might be like me and enjoy big crowds or you might just like to share with a few people you feel close to.  Either way, it has a dramatic and an eternal impact.  You are doing the part you were designed to do, the part that perfectly fits your personality and desires...the beautiful way in which He created the unique and wonderful you.

And when that Hope just can't help but to ooze out, things start to really move forward.  No matter which way that is...and, honestly, it really doesn't even matter. Because any which way with Hope, is awesome.



Happy Hump Day, ya'll!