Offense...

I had a long day yesterday. It was a really good and productive and long day, so when my head hit the pillow, I couldn't wait for some really great sleep.  I put a few drops of Lavender essential oil on my neck, and I was out.  And then, around midnight, I woke up.  The big red numbers on my clock said:

12:22

I could tell I was waking from some sort of dream or conversation in my head, and when I looked at the clock, I thought to myself, "Why the heck am I awake? I'm not even tired at all."  And then you know what happened?

I got offended.

I tossed and turned until I finally heard, "Maybe I've woken you up on purpose?"

He's been doing that a lot lately. God. Messing with my slumber. Not to mention that the little/big ball of love inside also likes to wake me and force me up for a midnight "potty break". So, I got up. I drank some water, did my business, and tried to fall back asleep--never even asking Him any further questions...and yet my mind couldn't stop thinking. One thing after another, just thinking thinking thinking.

And then, out of my stupor, I thought "What the heck? This is so lame. Go back to bed!"

Only to toss and turn some more, complaining to God about how I wanted to fall asleep.  And then it dawned on me, 12:22.  The past few weeks I've been running into 12:22 over and over again (in addition to 44 of course!), and I kept asking God what it meant.  This weekend, a friend shared a message that I so needed to hear.  And the scripture verse he read? Ezekial 12:22. So I finally realized at this exact moment in the middle of the night that God had been so sweetly following me around with a promise.  And now, a few days later, I wake up at 12:22--and you know what my first reaction is?

"God, I want to go back to bed. Help me go back to bed.  I'm so offended that you would wake me up at this hour. Don't you know I'm pregnant and have a toddler? Whine, whine, whine. I'm so offended."

And then He so tenderly said, "How about you read it? Ezekial 12:22? In fact, read the whole chapter."

"Oh, I see where this is going....You woke me up on purpose...oops...ok."

EZEKIAL 12 (If you don't want to read it all, you can capture the theme by verses 17-26)

And the tears rolled as the bright light from my smart phone shined truth into my very own, tired heart--in the middle of the night.

After I read it, I was wide awake.  Not enough to be active but just enough to be restful while awake.  This friend of ours who spoke this scripture over the weekend, well he also spoke over Ella and our other kiddos to be before they were born--6 years ago. I've written before about how I received word after word about being pregnant--when at the time I had no intention of being pregnant.  Well, this friend, he pretty much started that ball rolling. He called the Hope out of me before I even knew it existed, telling me "you need to get started on those art projects. You're pregnant, and you need to give birth.  And you know what? Some of those dreams you have are also going to be on your children--and that's how you're going to see them accomplished.  Like dancing, dancing, dancing. Your house is gonna be a lot of fun." I can remember the words so distinctly---even the tone in which he said each phrase. The sound still rings in my ears. It was God speaking through him, taking me from exile to my promised land. And is God not doing that exact thing right now? Dancing and a fun house--remember? He's got the Moves Like Jagger? :)

So, I got up, and I went into Ella's room--my 1st born, who was born on 2/22. Yes, God's that detailed. I pulled her sweetly sleeping body up to my chest and covered her with a blanket from her Nonny and Poppa.  We lounged in the chair together, our chests rising and falling in the same breathing pattern all the while the little one inside kicked.  And our spirits danced with one another.  A breath here, a kick there, a rest here, a snore there--her sweet countenance fully in rest as she breathed in the Lavender I had put on my neck just hours earlier.

It was beautiful.

So I stayed there for over an hour, soaking it all in. Eventually, Ella woke up, and we just laid there together making sweet eyes at each other. Her pacifier held in position by her sweet smile, her curls swept across her forehead, and her baby smell just wafting over me. "Thank you, God, for waking me up.  Thank you, God, for giving me this moment. I'm sorry I was so rude and unaware."

It made me think about how many other times in my life I have been offended.  At God. At other people. Offense is really crippling, isn't it?  It's a breeding ground for bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment.  It cuts off love.  And here we are on Valentine's Day, when love is the offering of the day, and I have a choice on if I want to accept it or not.  God was my Valentine last night; in fact, He always is.  He's always seeking after ways to love me and to express Himself to me.  Sometimes I don't like it at first, but when I surrender and listen, He's always right. And always good.

And other people? Oh, yes. They are not God and so can hurtfully offend and berate and belittle...whether on purpose or not.  In fact, just the other day, I had someone attempt to belittle me.  And as a "cute little blond thing", I'm somewhat used to this--though it's still not necessarily easy. People often stereotype me and assume I don't have much to say.  We all have those people in our lives who try to steal our voice--and sometimes purposefully. But I've noticed that my little voice is often used as a "foolish thing to confound the wise" (1 Corinthians 1:27). So when someone starts to belittle me, I now know not to get bitter. In fact, I'm actually right where I belong. Hidden inside this little voice is the wisdom of an 80 year old woman with the discernment of a greyhawk.  And if I am living in Grace, this ends up working itself out in love through our conversation. I say this because I only understand giving Grace as much as I've received of it--which is the result of long journey of being brought out of exile, with the help of generational blessings and spiritual mamas and papas who were gracious enough to pull the Hope out of me early--so that I didn't have to live under slavery as long as they did.  And yet, there are days I forget about grace, and I still get offended. Oh, can I get offended. I may get offended way less than before, but I still get offended.  And, so, it's in those times that I try to remember what it was like when I had no voice--when I woundedly felt the need to belittle someone else.  Or tear down someone's character with my discernment. Yikes. Not nice.  And, yet, it just goes to show that we've all been on both ends of the coin.  And the only way to change that? Love past an offense.

You can be angry in the moment, but graciously deal with it, remembering you've done it, too.

Let it go.

Be filled with Love.

And then give it out.

It's the only way change happens.

As I'm transitioning into 2012, I'm letting go. Releasing my harboring offenses.  Allowing my walls to be knocked down and instead be filled with the Grace of God.  And as that happens, I can't wait to be an available vessel to pour it back out.  Watching my dreams come true now and every vision come to pass (as it says in Ezekial).

Wow. He is good---and faithful.

Happy Valentine's Day.



(If you are interested in watching our friend's message about Ezekial 12, you can see it HERE. He starts speaking around 10 minutes.  I'm not sure how long it will be webstreamed, but it's really refreshing and encouraging if you have the time now!)