Gratitude.

Before you start reading this blog, I must confess. I have made two "copies".  This beautiful song playing, well, I just stole it from Kelle Hampton's blog.  And I am so thankful to "steal" it because if it had not been for her blog, I'm not sure that I would have heard this refreshing and soulful tune.  Second, the idea of writing a letter to my young self (you'll understand what I mean soon), came from Casey Weigand's post this morning.  I was so inspired by it, I decided to do one for myself...and share it with you.

All that being said, I have had the kind of week that's only simile can be a comparison to climbing a mountain.  It's been intense, exhausting, challenging, and yet sweetly satisfying.  All of that clutter I've been working my way through, wow.  It's been important.  Not only has it helped me create order in my house, but it's been a prophetic act of creating order in my soul.  And that order--though in process can be difficult to sort through--is so worth it when I start to see the puzzle pieces fit and when I start to see purpose in the fight.

I had a special moment on Monday morning.  Ella was oversleeping, and I took advantage of the sun barely peeking through my windows to cuddle in my robe that barely covers my bulging belly, grab a cup of coffee, and pray.  I got a sweet kiss from my hubby who headed out the door for work, and then I settled in.  I looked around my living room.  I glanced over at Howie who had taken up residence in "his spot" on the couch, his eyes closed so that I could only see the perfect St. Bernard mask covering his face, his lips hanging over my favorite throw pillow.  Then, I heard the heartbeat of Ella's sound machine pulsing through her video monitor.  I looked closely to see a diapered booty facing me, little hands curled up close to her face, and the faint rising and falling of her chest.

It was all beautifully glorious.

And in one moment, I was full of the most intense and sobering sense of gratitude.  I didn't conjur up reasons to be thankful, they just hit me.

And I sat there, soaking in gratitude, crying for nearly ten minutes.

Scanning my living room made me realize how incredibly blessed I am.  It made me realize how richly I have been provided for, how abundantly I've been rescued, and how fruitful He has made my womb. I think back to certain circumstances I grew up with, not always what you'd call ideal, and yet He still made a way to take me from ashes to glory with my only real contribution being a "yes".  I've seen generational patterns fall by the wayside, relationships restored, hurts healed, and blessings abound.  I've  often walked a lone road of desperate intercession, pleading for transformation, marked by the blood of sometimes my own suffering.  And yet, in reality, I was only sharing in the suffering that He had already provided for me.  If that doesn't separate Jesus from any other "god" out there, I'm not sure what does.  He is so intimate.  He is life-changing.  Being born again is almost an understatement.

And so, in this place of gratitude, it made me think of all of the things I would tell my young self not to worry about had I known life would turn out this way.  And it also made me think of all the things I would like to remind myself of now--considering that He still has an even better plan for me.

Because that's just how good His love is.



Dear Five Year Old Sarah:

If you knew what I know now, I would tell you not to worry.  I would tell you to rest.  And even though life can seem chaotic, especially for a little girl, your Papa has made a way through the chaos.  The reason you feel it so deeply is not because you are crazy, but because He has made you brilliantly sensitive.  Don't let anyone ever call you over-emotional.  Your emotions are what so poignantly lead you to freedom, not bottled up, but an outflow of raw human reality.  And because you feel them, you will be able to relate to others in a way that most people cannot.  And that will bring Life.

If you knew what I know now, I would tell you not to worry about sitting up straight, or getting good grades, or saying the right thing.  I would tell you to misbehave--just a little.  Take more chances.  Make more mistakes.  Your mistakes will lead you to one of your greatest gifts--wisdom.  And what you thought you'd miss out on by messing up will really become your biggest asset, not only to yourself but also to other people.  So take your mistakes and offer them generously to others, they really are gifts.

If you knew what I know now, I would tell you to go wildly after your dreams---especially the ones that seem impossible.  Those dreams are secret keys to intimacy.  You'll learn more about who you are and Who you belong to by following them, even when it hurts and even when it seems like there's no way for them to become reality.  Don't let anyone discourage you, but listen to those who can give you genuine reassurance, constructive criticism, and challenging support.  Those are the people who have your best interest at heart.  Choose to believe.

If you knew what I know now, I would tell you to that even though people will let you down, love them anyway.  Don't allow your own bitterness or your false expectations to clutter up real love.  Serve where you are.  Serve who you are.  If someone denies it, makes fun of it, or can't accept it; it's okay.  Love them anyway. But remember, you don't have to be best friends with them.  Love doesn't necessarily always mean martyring yourself for someone else's gain.  You have feelings, too--and you're allowed to create boundaries for your own well-being.  You don't need to give out anything that you haven't been filled with first.

Speaking of, if you knew what I know now, I would tell you to accept Love lavishly.  You don't need to accept love dressed up like flattery, or codependent "love", or love disguised as giving when it is really taking...but real love, the kind that initiates grace, forgiveness, and Godly discipline, accept that.  You'll know the difference.  Your discernment will tell you.  And when you receive that kind of love, the exchange will be magnificent.  It may come in packages that are difficult to understand or in ways that may not strike you as fair, but if you allow Love to reign, it will change your whole entire life.  You will be one of the happiest people on the planet.

And last but not least, if you knew what I know now, I would tell you to listen to your Dad.  Yes, your earthly Dad, but more importantly your Heavenly Dad.  Take your advice from Him.  Only listen to what He says about you because His plans for you are good and your future is bright.  He is the only one who loves perfectly, and even when others let you down, He never will.  If He seems distant or if you can't find Him, He hasn't disappeared and He hasn't forgotten about you.  He never sleeps nor slumbers, and He knows every single thing about you....what makes you tick as well as what you need.  His love for you is larger than you comprehend.  When you have kids, you'll discover the smallest glimpse of how He feels about you.  It's that much bigger.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Love yourself. Let others love you. Always be present in the moment. You won't ever regret truly living your life.

Love Always, Me

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There is so much to be grateful for.  My spirit is nurtured by these reminders of what He has engrained in me throughout my life's journey.

Now that I am once again blubbering, what would you say to your 5 year old self?