Redemption: November 27

Many of you prayed for my dear friend, Colleen, as she delivered her twin baby girls at 19 weeks gestation this past August.  She started having contractions as a result of Twin to Twin transfusion, and many--as in thousands--came to rally by her and her husband, Brett, as the time came when we all realized that the contractions were not going to stop.  I will never forget the sound of Brett's voice when he called to say that the doctor's had given Colleen an epidural and were going to make the delivery as comfortable as possible for her.  We all knew what that meant.  These babies would only spend a few precious hours here on Earth before passing onto their glorious inheritance.


What I will remember even more than that phone call is Colleen's honest, emotion-filled, hope-chasing recovery.  There are not many people who are willing to fight for Hope in the midst of feeling hopeless, but Colleen is one of the few.  It has been an honor to be her friend through the joyful times and the difficult moments of her journey of restoration and healing.  She is an inspiration to many, the mother of twins, and the wife to a very blessed man.


As her due date drew near, I asked Colleen if she wanted to share anything about her process as she sees Redemption become reality in the midst of difficulty.  She is an external processor and so sharing through writing, whether she knows her readers or not, is a beautiful means of expression for her. And, so, she decided to share a few thoughts with us in hopes there would be some closure of wounds while also allowing others to touch the beauty of her girls, Ellie Rose and Grace Noel.


I know that you will be moved by her tender words and triumphant heart.  She is one of my sweetest and most victorious of friends.




It has been a little over 3 months, and those two days of labor are still as fresh as when it happened.  At times, the memories and emotions fade, but, at times, they surprise me by creeping up when i least  expect.  

This week has been a difficult one; Grace and Ellie's delivery week.  On November 27th I would have been a complete 35 weeks.  For reasons that are to long to explain, the girls would have been taken at 35 weeks for their safety, November 27th.  This week has been  wild roller coaster ride of emotions.  As one might react on a roller coaster, I grip these emotions, white knuckled, trying to control them.  But, no matter how hard I try, the emotions still tug me back and forth taking me on twists and turns that cause whiplash and upset stomach. Today, Grace and Ellie were supposed to be in my arms, fully developed, fully breathing, with strong hearts ready to start their lives with Brett and I.  I wrestle tears at the thought of this.  When I start to feel bitter, sorry for myself, or angry, I take a step back, take a breath and try my hardest to allow God to enter in to those deep broken places.  He heals.  It is slow, but, He does. 

Despite the painful memories and emotions that continue to linger, God has been tenderly piecing my broken heart back together.  Sometimes, when pieces of our life aren't mended right in the first place, they need to be re-broken in order to be healed properly.  My failed pregnancy was my "re-breaking" and it has exposed those places in my heart that needed to be healed correctly.   All my fears, depression, anxieties, and accusations toward God's character came spewing out over the last couple months, and I see God mending it.  Even this week has been very healing alongside the deep grief.   Even in the midst of sadness and grief, God is abundantly kind, gentle, and gracious. 

I have been resting in psalm 139 this past week.  It helps me to remember that what happened was not a mistake, that God was in it, and that He was not unaware of my circumstances.   And then, there is one part of this psalm that brings me to tears every time I read it.  Ill share:

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

Verses 13- 18, I read and re-read these verses daily.  God created Grace and Ellie.  He knit them together in my womb.  They are fearfully and wonderfully made.  THey were never hidden from Him.  Though they were with us a short 133 days, each day ordained for them was written in Gods book before any of them came to be (weeping).  They were no mistake.  And, the verse that gets me the most: He saw their unformed bodies.  And so did I. I held their little unformed bodies in my hands and I will cherish those few moments I had with them through eternity.

I think of Grace and Ellie everyday.  I think about what they might be doing in Heaven.  I think about them praying for Brett and I.  I think about Jesus telling them all about their mommy and daddy. I think of God allowing Grace and Ellie to peak down at us once and awhile.  I think about the fact that I will never have to worry about Grace and Ellie not accepting Jesus as some parents may have to face.   I guess thats what faith is,  Faith is Hope.  Without faith, there is no hope,  WIth out redemption for the human race, there is no hope.  We long for hope.  It comes in the form of Jesus on the cross and conquering death.  

As their due date comes to be, and as the Christmas season is in full bloom, I think of the birth of Jesus and the hope He gives me, that one day, I'll be reunited with Him and my girls.  What a joyous day!  Thanks to the God that makes restoration and redemption possible!  

(To hear more of Colleen's journey, go to: www.colleenslife.com)