Receiving.

I've been going through this period of enlightenment so to speak.  It's been full of listening and receiving.  And, honestly, aside from that, I haven't been doing very much.  And it feels good, really good.

I've been studying about what Jesus accomplished on the Cross, and let me tell you, it sure is freeing.  I've been so thankful that over the last six years or so, He's been showing me what it looks like to rest.  But studying this, oh my goodness.  It is taking me to a whole different level.

Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of my years I've been taught a lot in church about all the things that I should be doing instead of ever hearing about all of the things I get to receive as a child of God.  It put me in a perpetual cycle of being the head of almost every committee, serving until I hit exhaustion, and then usually starting the cycle somewhat over again--except with a little bit more boundaries.  After I finished martyring myself publicly, I then became a stay at home mom.  It was easy to say no to outside activities as I was in a whole new zone, but the game I had been taught was not over, it just happened inside my house instead of outside my house.  And then I added not getting enough sleep, combined with the emotional energy it takes to raise a child, not to mention what it feels like to carry an intercessory gifting (that can sometimes make a person feel crazy in and of itself!), and I found I really did not get much of what I thought I needed to accomplished.  And, to make matters worse, I then felt GUILTY about it.

The good thing about this horrific cycle is that it has gotten progressively better over the last few years.  The bad part about this horrific cycle is that because of a few woundings I had, this system of religion took advantage of the real heart I had for my relationship with God.  It took a beautiful yearning and turned it into a sacred cow.  It made me compulsively introspective, constantly looking for whatever demon I might have lurking behind the shadows, and constantly asking God to clean me up so I could be closer to Him.  If that doesn't sound depressing, I'm not sure what does.  Thankfully, though, God uses all things for good--no matter whether I chose a wrong path or whether it chose me.  Each season over those past few years took me a little bit further into freedom as I learned more and more about my identity in Him.  My identity as a child of the King.  People pleasing intensely lessened--almost to the point that I can sometimes be considered too blunt for some...but the God pleasing, it wearily remained.

And I had no idea how to make it stop.

The last year, I've been on the journey to Believe.  God started bringing up all of my childhood dreams again, some wild and impossible to the natural eye---- and then you know what He did? He asked me to trust Him for them.  I was literally dreaming about them, running into "signs" for them all over the place, realizing how these signs had been following me my entire life and I didn't even know it, and then seeing doors supernaturally open for them without any of my input. And then I finally started to understand.  It was becoming easier to believe than not to believe.

He had me in a corner.

I knew that I knew that I knew there was no possible way for these dreams to come true without Him doing it.  And I ached inside wondering how they would come to pass. My whole relationship with Him, as well as my personal sanity, was on the line. And so began my understanding of the finished work of the Cross.

The law, all that do-it-yourself stuff, was killing me.  And in absolutely no way was it going to make these dreams that He had given me come true.  I could work and work and work, but this stuff, it needs a miracle of God.  And, so there was a cross.  A new covenant.

Somehow I had mixed the old covenant of the law with the new covenant of grace.  You know the 10 commandments?  Of course we can't fulfill them.  We can try and try to be on our best behavior, but it won't work. We'll mess up at some point. So, when we try to use the law to get closer to God, out of our own self effort, it always fails.

The Old Testament brings up all of these laws to point to the fact there is no way that we could ever fulfill them on our own.  That's the whole point. The law is not asking me to fulfill it but rather pointing me to the only one who can--Jesus.  Once He came and died, it was finished.  No more living out of that covenant.  And now, as believer in Him, I drink from His death.  I take communion with the joy of what He has done, not out of guilt for what I couldn't do or how I've messed up. I don't ask Him to clean me up AGAIN; His broken body did it the first time. He accomplished it, and I reap the reward. I drink in remembrance of what He has already done, and I give overflowing thanks because I now understand what it is to receive. I am not the martyr, He was. This was His plan all along! He is Love. And, so, I've become enlightened and flat out drunk with love.


Because He's not asking me to do anything He knows I can't, He's just asking me to receive what He's already done.


By faith.


I don't need to spend my days searching for sin to repent of or mastering a to do list He didn't make.  He's already taken care of it. If He shows me a place of unbelief, I will obviously be quickened to repent, but in His kindness, He is just letting me know that I'm missing out on some of His goodness---and then He invites me into it. Finished. I just say yes.

And those dreams? I don't spend time aching over if I'll be able to do my part to contribute to them.  Instead, I just enjoy the ride...like a kid whose Daddy just took her on the biggest roller coaster in the whole dang amusement park.

And, so, living out of this place of extreme Grace, I get to know Love.  And when I know Love, I just can't help but to give it away.  And when I give it away, I see how Grace has fulfilled the law.  I no longer worry about sinning or doing this or doing that--because I'm not even thinking about it.  There's just no room for sin when you're overflowing with Grace.

Whoa. Talk about a change in life perspective.


More on this coming soon....


P.S. A great source of reading on this subject is John Crowder's book, Mystical Union.  He may be too blunt for some, but I personally love it. He doesn't hold back.