Redemption: November 27

Many of you prayed for my dear friend, Colleen, as she delivered her twin baby girls at 19 weeks gestation this past August.  She started having contractions as a result of Twin to Twin transfusion, and many--as in thousands--came to rally by her and her husband, Brett, as the time came when we all realized that the contractions were not going to stop.  I will never forget the sound of Brett's voice when he called to say that the doctor's had given Colleen an epidural and were going to make the delivery as comfortable as possible for her.  We all knew what that meant.  These babies would only spend a few precious hours here on Earth before passing onto their glorious inheritance.


What I will remember even more than that phone call is Colleen's honest, emotion-filled, hope-chasing recovery.  There are not many people who are willing to fight for Hope in the midst of feeling hopeless, but Colleen is one of the few.  It has been an honor to be her friend through the joyful times and the difficult moments of her journey of restoration and healing.  She is an inspiration to many, the mother of twins, and the wife to a very blessed man.


As her due date drew near, I asked Colleen if she wanted to share anything about her process as she sees Redemption become reality in the midst of difficulty.  She is an external processor and so sharing through writing, whether she knows her readers or not, is a beautiful means of expression for her. And, so, she decided to share a few thoughts with us in hopes there would be some closure of wounds while also allowing others to touch the beauty of her girls, Ellie Rose and Grace Noel.


I know that you will be moved by her tender words and triumphant heart.  She is one of my sweetest and most victorious of friends.




It has been a little over 3 months, and those two days of labor are still as fresh as when it happened.  At times, the memories and emotions fade, but, at times, they surprise me by creeping up when i least  expect.  

This week has been a difficult one; Grace and Ellie's delivery week.  On November 27th I would have been a complete 35 weeks.  For reasons that are to long to explain, the girls would have been taken at 35 weeks for their safety, November 27th.  This week has been  wild roller coaster ride of emotions.  As one might react on a roller coaster, I grip these emotions, white knuckled, trying to control them.  But, no matter how hard I try, the emotions still tug me back and forth taking me on twists and turns that cause whiplash and upset stomach. Today, Grace and Ellie were supposed to be in my arms, fully developed, fully breathing, with strong hearts ready to start their lives with Brett and I.  I wrestle tears at the thought of this.  When I start to feel bitter, sorry for myself, or angry, I take a step back, take a breath and try my hardest to allow God to enter in to those deep broken places.  He heals.  It is slow, but, He does. 

Despite the painful memories and emotions that continue to linger, God has been tenderly piecing my broken heart back together.  Sometimes, when pieces of our life aren't mended right in the first place, they need to be re-broken in order to be healed properly.  My failed pregnancy was my "re-breaking" and it has exposed those places in my heart that needed to be healed correctly.   All my fears, depression, anxieties, and accusations toward God's character came spewing out over the last couple months, and I see God mending it.  Even this week has been very healing alongside the deep grief.   Even in the midst of sadness and grief, God is abundantly kind, gentle, and gracious. 

I have been resting in psalm 139 this past week.  It helps me to remember that what happened was not a mistake, that God was in it, and that He was not unaware of my circumstances.   And then, there is one part of this psalm that brings me to tears every time I read it.  Ill share:

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

Verses 13- 18, I read and re-read these verses daily.  God created Grace and Ellie.  He knit them together in my womb.  They are fearfully and wonderfully made.  THey were never hidden from Him.  Though they were with us a short 133 days, each day ordained for them was written in Gods book before any of them came to be (weeping).  They were no mistake.  And, the verse that gets me the most: He saw their unformed bodies.  And so did I. I held their little unformed bodies in my hands and I will cherish those few moments I had with them through eternity.

I think of Grace and Ellie everyday.  I think about what they might be doing in Heaven.  I think about them praying for Brett and I.  I think about Jesus telling them all about their mommy and daddy. I think of God allowing Grace and Ellie to peak down at us once and awhile.  I think about the fact that I will never have to worry about Grace and Ellie not accepting Jesus as some parents may have to face.   I guess thats what faith is,  Faith is Hope.  Without faith, there is no hope,  WIth out redemption for the human race, there is no hope.  We long for hope.  It comes in the form of Jesus on the cross and conquering death.  

As their due date comes to be, and as the Christmas season is in full bloom, I think of the birth of Jesus and the hope He gives me, that one day, I'll be reunited with Him and my girls.  What a joyous day!  Thanks to the God that makes restoration and redemption possible!  

(To hear more of Colleen's journey, go to: www.colleenslife.com)

Celebration.

We did most of our Thanksgiving grocery shopping this weekend, so we've had very full cupboards and countertops the last few days.  Every time I attempt to put something in the pantry, it just screams "bounty".  There is so much in which to be thankful.

I find that so often in my own heart, it is extremely easy to remember all that I am not thankful for.  This trial or that life circumstance--or this thing over here that I want to fix--or that person over there that I want to change.  It's in front of us all the time.

All kinds of things for us to be upset over.

There is definitely a time for releasing anger appropriately or crying out for justice or seeing a need that could use fulfillment--but so much more is there time to receive what has been given freely and to embrace difficult seasons with the same joy as those where everything seems to fall into place.

I tend to be more on the "feeler" side of the Myers Brigg's scale, which means I lean more into emotions and the sensational scope of life.  I still do "think", and I think often.  But I often start to think as a result of what I feel---as do a lot of women.  I don't find this as a bad thing necessarily.  In fact, I think it is where many women find compassion, and nuture, and strength.  And, yet, with any personality trait, there often are weaknesses.

I find one of my weaknesses is "feeling" so much of what is within me and around me that sometimes I can cease to be thankful.  It's a rough world out there, and there is a lot that needs changed and nurtured; there are a lot of people who need cared for.  Heck, it would seem that we all could use a little more nurturing and caring for.  But really, it all starts with learning how to receive the nurture and care we have already been Given.

Hence why I love Thanksgiving and Christmas so much.  It's such a beautiful season to remember all that we have to be thankful for, and in doing so, we usher in a season where the King is born unto us.  This happened not only in reality, but it happens in my heart year after year.  And it also happens every time I choose to receive what I've been given and be thankful for it--not necessarily in a robotic way--but just in an "eyes open" kind of way.  My prayer recently hasn't been as much for this to happen or for that to happen, but it's been much more along the lines of "Let me see what You are doing."

It's been a big transition for me when I am reminded to think this way.  When I change my perspective, everything else changes.  Trials actually become friends.  They become gifts that bring me to a deeper sense of gratitude, a more compassionate place for myself and for other people, and a greater appreciation for what I have been given.  They are almost like a winning hand at cards--if I ask to see what He is doing through them.

If I don't ask what He's doing, I often become a self-centered, whiny, victim.  I throw gratitude out the window and leave no room for any sort of resolution.  Because He is so graceful, He often still brings resolution--but it is much more rewarding when I get to participate with the process.  Not to mention, I spend way less time striving and way more time just cooperating.

So, this Thanksgiving, I am asking to be enlightened--so that I can be overflowingly thankful in return.  I'm asking to see what He is doing in my life, not only individually, but also in my family and my extended family, my church family and my friends.  As I do this, I see bitterness flee and frustration fade.  I receive and then give thanks.

And, then I watch as Christmas is ushered in.  The thankfulness makes room in my heart for a miraculous gift who comes in the form of a babe in a manger.  Again, possibly not the way He would have expected or chosen, but He knew what God was up to.  "Your Kingdom Come, Your Will be Done". It's in those places of trial and humility where Greatness is born.

And it's why we CELEBRATE!

May you be abundantly aware of all you have been given this Thanksgiving--no matter what form it takes shape!

Pausing to be Thankful.

This is my Baby Girl's favorite song right now.  As soon as it comes on, she runs up to me with her arms up high.

She wants to dance with me.

And so, we do.  As my newest baby bump starts growing, we have to maneuver new ways of how she can sit on my hip--but either way, we still dance.

And it's one of the best parts of my whole entire day.

I've been watching her so much more closely lately as she explores and talks and repeats.  God speaks to me so clearly through her actions.  The best part is that there is no trying on her end; she just is.  She knows nothing except how to be herself--and it is so very beautiful to watch.

The parenting books and mommy magazines have so much to teach us about parenting our children, and I appreciate them, I really do.  But sometimes, I just like to sit back and watch her.  I think she equally has just as much to teach me.  As David and I do our best to foster an environment where she is free to explore the beauty around her and to express herself creatively, I can't help but to soak her up like a sponge.  She carries so much life with her, and I'm so grateful to have the privilege of stewarding such a heavenly gift.

And I don't want to ever forget it.

When I was pregnant with her, I remember people telling me it would just get better and better and better as she grew up.  I believed them, but now I see it with my own eyes.  I'm not sure how one day can lead to more love than the day before, but somehow it does.  It is ever-expanding and life changing.

After every meal when I wipe her little hands off, I trace the outline of her each of her little fingers.  And then I just relish in the beauty of her hands, and her fingers, and her little life ahead.  It's one of those moments, that for whatever reason, is my pause moment in life.  I stop just to soak her up, to be thankful, to be blessed.  It makes my heart more paliable, and it gives me an opportunity to see the tangible evidence of God's love for me.  If I'm tracing my baby's fingers three times a day almost in tears, how much more is He counting the hairs on my head?

Ella was foretold to us many times before she actually came to be--way before we were even interested and/or ready to have kids.  And because of this, I knew that I was supposed to pay close attention to all that surrounded her.  She was the one chosen to open my womb, not just physically but also spiritually.  My labor with her was not just a hospital transaction.  It was an act of intercession...bringing Heaven to Earth.

Until it was time to push, I thought I might die.  And, in all reality, an old pattern of life did die.  That mode of striving and contracting and contending made a swift shift in one moment.  When Rest entered the picture, I entered pure bliss.  And soon after, she was here.  This gift that had been prophesied so many times, a gift full of so many promises that I didn't even realize were mine until she was born, were all here.

She is an amazing promise, for which I am so very thankful.


More on thankful....tomorrow.      :)

(Last year's Christmas photo...one of my favorites!)

Doors.

Ella has been playing this game for the past few weeks.  She's really into it, and I'm not exactly sure why because it usually ends up in frustration.  But, alas, she still likes to play.

She runs into her room and tries to shut the door (not all the way closed, but close)...then opens the door...then tries to shut the door...only to have the door actually slam into place.

And then she is stuck in her room.

And she cries.

At this point, I come over to the door and try to open it, only to have her push back on the door and watch it slam again...this time in my face.  Then, get this, she cries again.

So, we end up going through this ritual where I try to explain to her that if she pushes on the door, it will close.  At this point, her sweet little brain doesn't quite get it yet.  Though she loves cause and effect, sometimes she's still not sure about how the effect will turn out.

Sounds like me if you ask me.  As I was working on my book yesterday, I came across a quote from one of my most favorite books called The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.  She so eloquently stated:

"If we learn to think of receiving God's good as being an act of worship--cooperating with God's plan to manifest goodness in our lives--we can begin to let go of having to sabotage ourselves." 

Amen.

When there is an open door, don't go trying to shut it.


One of my biggest pet peeves is false humility.  (I actually dedicated an entire post to it awhile back; if you want to read it, go HERE .)

This idea of false humility loves to dig its claws into people to tame them down.  It says things like "Please don't think you are worth that" and "If you love who you've been made to be, surely you are conceited" and "Who do you think you are?"  It slowly but surely sucks the life out of your passions and dreams and identity, not to mention clouding the goodness of God,  by carefully sabotaging you into believing that all that He has accomplished for you and in you, when you actually receive it, is prideful.  Wow.  What a jerk.

And, so, we have this horrible malady that faces Christians today encouraging them not to receive.  To push the door closed instead of letting it open all the way.

And, instead of receiving His goodness, we try to do it ourselves or sabotage ourselves by assuming that we are not worthy of it.


Fortunately, we are worthy because He made us so.  This does not promote pride, it promotes acceptance.  It teaches us our true identity as children.  And, unfortunately, not receiving does not makes us better off, it just makes us orphans.

All while He died to adopt us.

I'll never forget our last trip to NYC in May.  It was full of inspiration and enjoyment because David and I are in love with The Big Apple.  I remember walking down 44th Street (yes, 44!) on our way to dinner one night.  It just so happened that as we were walking, I noticed that we were strolling past the stage doors to several different Broadway productions.

And I have this thing about Broadway.

God has spoken to me about it ever since I was a little girl, and I get flutters in my belly when I even think about it.  The first Broadway show I went to, God's presence became so real to me that I sat there weeping as the curtain opened.  And, so, it has become one of my "signs" that God has asked me to believe for.  How or when, I have no idea.  I could be wearing granny pannies by the time it fully manifests for all I know. I don't even have the "training" for such a thing, but no matter, He has asked me to believe. And not because I can do it in and of myself, but because He can. And He'd like to show me His goodness. So, as I walked down 44th Street, I saw a Broadway stage door and decided to take a picture.  Here's what it said:

So, I stood there, and I chose to say no to unbelief ---and instead chose to receive.

A few weeks ago, I met my huh-knee for dinner in downtown Nashville.  He told me to take some time for myself and drive his car home and that he would take Ella home.  So, I hopped in his car and decided to give myself a few minutes to breathe.  Just as I was pulling out of the parking lot of Lifeway,  George Michael's song "Faith" came on.  Two seconds later, I hit a red light.  When I looked up, all I could see was the huge road sign in front of me that said "Broadway".

And all I heard was a still small voice say: "Receive."


See what I mean? He has me in a corner. I have no other choice but to believe. I sat there was for the longest red life of my light, just staring at that road sign because of course there was a "No Right Turn on Red" sign next to it.

No more blocking doors.  No more sabotaging myself with unbelief or false humility.  It's time to let the door swing wide open, receiving Him for who He says He is and for what He has done.

So, now I get to ask you! What are YOU believing for? Or what do you want to believe for? I would love to know. Really! Just leave a comment below or send me a message. I want to celebrate with you as He makes your dreams come true...as you receive the goodness of what He has to offer...

Receiving.

I've been going through this period of enlightenment so to speak.  It's been full of listening and receiving.  And, honestly, aside from that, I haven't been doing very much.  And it feels good, really good.

I've been studying about what Jesus accomplished on the Cross, and let me tell you, it sure is freeing.  I've been so thankful that over the last six years or so, He's been showing me what it looks like to rest.  But studying this, oh my goodness.  It is taking me to a whole different level.

Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of my years I've been taught a lot in church about all the things that I should be doing instead of ever hearing about all of the things I get to receive as a child of God.  It put me in a perpetual cycle of being the head of almost every committee, serving until I hit exhaustion, and then usually starting the cycle somewhat over again--except with a little bit more boundaries.  After I finished martyring myself publicly, I then became a stay at home mom.  It was easy to say no to outside activities as I was in a whole new zone, but the game I had been taught was not over, it just happened inside my house instead of outside my house.  And then I added not getting enough sleep, combined with the emotional energy it takes to raise a child, not to mention what it feels like to carry an intercessory gifting (that can sometimes make a person feel crazy in and of itself!), and I found I really did not get much of what I thought I needed to accomplished.  And, to make matters worse, I then felt GUILTY about it.

The good thing about this horrific cycle is that it has gotten progressively better over the last few years.  The bad part about this horrific cycle is that because of a few woundings I had, this system of religion took advantage of the real heart I had for my relationship with God.  It took a beautiful yearning and turned it into a sacred cow.  It made me compulsively introspective, constantly looking for whatever demon I might have lurking behind the shadows, and constantly asking God to clean me up so I could be closer to Him.  If that doesn't sound depressing, I'm not sure what does.  Thankfully, though, God uses all things for good--no matter whether I chose a wrong path or whether it chose me.  Each season over those past few years took me a little bit further into freedom as I learned more and more about my identity in Him.  My identity as a child of the King.  People pleasing intensely lessened--almost to the point that I can sometimes be considered too blunt for some...but the God pleasing, it wearily remained.

And I had no idea how to make it stop.

The last year, I've been on the journey to Believe.  God started bringing up all of my childhood dreams again, some wild and impossible to the natural eye---- and then you know what He did? He asked me to trust Him for them.  I was literally dreaming about them, running into "signs" for them all over the place, realizing how these signs had been following me my entire life and I didn't even know it, and then seeing doors supernaturally open for them without any of my input. And then I finally started to understand.  It was becoming easier to believe than not to believe.

He had me in a corner.

I knew that I knew that I knew there was no possible way for these dreams to come true without Him doing it.  And I ached inside wondering how they would come to pass. My whole relationship with Him, as well as my personal sanity, was on the line. And so began my understanding of the finished work of the Cross.

The law, all that do-it-yourself stuff, was killing me.  And in absolutely no way was it going to make these dreams that He had given me come true.  I could work and work and work, but this stuff, it needs a miracle of God.  And, so there was a cross.  A new covenant.

Somehow I had mixed the old covenant of the law with the new covenant of grace.  You know the 10 commandments?  Of course we can't fulfill them.  We can try and try to be on our best behavior, but it won't work. We'll mess up at some point. So, when we try to use the law to get closer to God, out of our own self effort, it always fails.

The Old Testament brings up all of these laws to point to the fact there is no way that we could ever fulfill them on our own.  That's the whole point. The law is not asking me to fulfill it but rather pointing me to the only one who can--Jesus.  Once He came and died, it was finished.  No more living out of that covenant.  And now, as believer in Him, I drink from His death.  I take communion with the joy of what He has done, not out of guilt for what I couldn't do or how I've messed up. I don't ask Him to clean me up AGAIN; His broken body did it the first time. He accomplished it, and I reap the reward. I drink in remembrance of what He has already done, and I give overflowing thanks because I now understand what it is to receive. I am not the martyr, He was. This was His plan all along! He is Love. And, so, I've become enlightened and flat out drunk with love.


Because He's not asking me to do anything He knows I can't, He's just asking me to receive what He's already done.


By faith.


I don't need to spend my days searching for sin to repent of or mastering a to do list He didn't make.  He's already taken care of it. If He shows me a place of unbelief, I will obviously be quickened to repent, but in His kindness, He is just letting me know that I'm missing out on some of His goodness---and then He invites me into it. Finished. I just say yes.

And those dreams? I don't spend time aching over if I'll be able to do my part to contribute to them.  Instead, I just enjoy the ride...like a kid whose Daddy just took her on the biggest roller coaster in the whole dang amusement park.

And, so, living out of this place of extreme Grace, I get to know Love.  And when I know Love, I just can't help but to give it away.  And when I give it away, I see how Grace has fulfilled the law.  I no longer worry about sinning or doing this or doing that--because I'm not even thinking about it.  There's just no room for sin when you're overflowing with Grace.

Whoa. Talk about a change in life perspective.


More on this coming soon....


P.S. A great source of reading on this subject is John Crowder's book, Mystical Union.  He may be too blunt for some, but I personally love it. He doesn't hold back.