Believe

I've had this little buzz in my ear over the last few weeks.

Sometimes it whispers, "Believe".

And other times it shouts, "Didn't you see that? Believe!"

And still other times, it is a faint pulse of my heart where the beat of "believing" is engrained into my very being.  I was created with it inside me.  It's part of my DNA. Believe. Pulse. Pulse. Believe. Woosh. Woosh.

I can't really decide which encounter is my favorite because they all seem to catch me by surprise.  And each time, my heart starts to pump a little faster.  Most of the time I let out an obnoxious laugh or a "God, You so crazy!"

And all the while, any fiber in my body that has held unbelief or doubt quickly seems to cease.  Sometimes like a white knuckled grip releasing and other times like a blooming flower.

Either way, I am being transformed.

God starting showing me the number 44 several months ago.  Actually, its more like I started noticing that God was showing me the number 44 several months ago.  I knew it meant something for me.  Because this number 44 was present during very important times in my life.  44 happened to be the folder number that held the pictures of my baby girl being born.  Broadway and W. 44th Street happens to be my special spot in NYC; it's a big dream of mine to live and work there.  44 also happens to be the last two digits of my address.  You get the picture.

44 seemed to follow me.  And then, last month, as I started to "believe" for some things, 44 has had babies.  I mean, everywhere.

"Well, hello, 44! How are you today?"

"Oh, 44. Thanks for showing up.  I needed some hope today."

"44 again? Wow, God, you must really be telling me something."

44 degrees was the temperature every time I checked.  It was also the time every time I looked, 5:44 then 7:44, then 9:44.  And then, the big one.  My blog.  After a very intense dream about none other than me "believing", I woke up and decided to check my blog stats.

4,444.

And for whatever reason, I had no readers all day....and it stayed that way ALL day.

As evening rolled around, I was telling my husband about these 4's and what I felt they meant. He paused my explanation to go flip our burgers on the grill.  As the burger sizzled, I hear a "Saaaaaaaaaaraah!"  I went running outside to find out what the scream was about.  And in my backyard is a full rainbow that covered the entire sky.  And not only that, but in the midst of 5 minutes, it turned into a double rainbow.

BELIEVE.

And, so, though this story could go on and on and on.  I leave you with this.  Yesterday, we went to the chiropractor.  Here was our number.

Afterward, Ella and I went to pick up Howie's food.  As I am texting my friend the picture I took at the chiropractor, I look up to see this.

God, You so crazy! Believe. 


(corresponding song: Don't Stop Believing by Journey)

Dancin' with the Stars

Last night was a really good night.  After the baby went down, I sat on the kitchen counter next to the stove as David sauteed our cabbage and noodles.

And we talked.

About hopes and dreams.  And the steps to see them come alive.  And even more than the steps but the GRACE to see them come alive.

I've had a crazy few days.  Living in two worlds a little bit.  On the one hand, we have option 1.  God and waiting.  Patience turning into perfection.  On the other hand, we have option 2.  Let's run around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to make things happen.

I would strongly encourage choosing Option 1.

Option 2 really has no fruit.  And it only serves to turn you (me) into a raving lunatic in need of a sugar fix and "quiet time".

What I've realized is that we are constantly in a battle here.  Let go and let God or try-as-hard-as-you-can-and-get-nowhere.  This is the choice every day, and when you are called to a season of "waiting", the choice is really evident pretty much all day long.  By evident, I mean, all day you seek the "rest"of waiting.  And, yet, the distraction to "make it happen" is everywhere in front of you.  Competing for your attention.

Then, you start second guessing everything.  The Bible calls this doublemindedness.  Now, doublemindedness and I have had somewhat of a history.  And he tried coming back around after I had kicked him to the curb.  How rude!

So, at this point, it was time for a heart to heart."Who cares if you disagree! You are not me. Who made you king of anything? So you dare tell me who to be? Who died and made you king of anything?"

Thank you, Sara Barielles, for your timely lyrics.

And, as I sat on the kitchen counter watching David cook us up some scrumptious dinner, I crumbled.  A few tears.  Pouring out the little war that had been going on in my heart.

Let me tell you, the entertainment industry is not for the faint of heart.  You want to find out who you are, try this profession (and many others...not meaning to sound trite). You'll find out.  And it will either make you or break you.  Sometimes, both.  But in the breaking is the making.

And though on certain days, it has its "Oh my gosh, why in the world did He call me to this career? Couldn't He have picked something easier?"  At other moments, while expressing your battle with your own head, you look up at your husband who is stirring your dinner, and out of your mouth pops "I really wanna be on Dancing with the Stars." And mean it.

What the what?

Yes. In the midst of the battle, the real desire is revealed.  What that pesky doublemindedness was trying to cover up. And, then, not many moments later comes the GRACE.

The, "Ok, God, I've now put this one on my list.  I'm agreeing with my spirit and Yours. Really looking forward to watching You do it."  And you mean that, too.  Your spirit starts to really have the faith for the impossible.

A few moments later, you turn on ABC to watch the Season Premiere of Dancing with the Stars.  And what song is the first dance?

You know it.


I'm riding this Grace wave all the way into shore*, baby.


What are you wishing for?


Happy Tuesday!




*Credit Mary Branche.



(corresponding song: King of Anything by Sara Barielles)

Cruisin'

I've heard this song several times over the last few weeks.  I kept wanting to use it on my blog, but I just couldn't place it.

Until today.

Ahhhhh.

Feels good.

It's sunny outside, 80 degrees, and I've got myself a new ride.

In that matter of a day, we realized it was time that I trade in my "yellow".  What a good car it was.  What a good 8 year season of having her.  I admit, I had a little bit of a hard time letting her go yesterday.  I spent the day reminiscing over different events that my yellow contributed to.  David and I did our first cross country move in that car--from Ohio to Arizona.  And then, when we decided to move from the desert to the beaches of Alabama, she also took us.  And more recently, she took us on another move, from Alabama to Nashville.  Those road trips are memories.  And not only memories, but for me, lots of God moments.

For whatever reason, my car is my Revelation mobile.  Need to hear from God? Go take a ride.  Need to hear from God and don't even know it? You'll find out when you're taking a ride.  Need a good cry? Ride.  Need a good jam session to some of your favorite tunes? Ride.

You get the point.

And, so, yesterday I spent the day remembering.  Bringing home our baby girl snuggled up real good in February. Looking out in the Kroger parking lot to easily spot where I had parked (because, of course, I had forgotten).  And always answering the question from people, "Why yellow?"

Cause I love Yellow.

And, now, as I say thanks for the memories over the past 8 years, I also say hello to the new memories that will forge in my new car.

You may think "Awfully sentimental for a car, aren't ya?"  Well, yes.  I'm the sentimental type.  To me, it's not just a car, it's a symbol.  It's the evidence of a great transition in my life.

It is no coincidence to me that the same week I trade in my old car for a new one, I also finish my Return to Divine Design course.  And let me tell you, the last 90 days have definitely initiated one of the greatest transformations and transitions in my life.  I've traded in my old life for a new one.

And the new one, is well, me.

I like that.

I've spent the last 90 days really looking at myself, who God made me, my wants and desires, and my hopes and dreams.  Things that had been buried began to surface.  Hurts that needed healed, those surfaced, too.  Emotions? Yea, lots of those.  So freeing.  Getting back to your guts. Coming home to yourself.  Who you were created to be.  Enjoyed.  Cherished. Loved.  Not only by God, but also by yourself.

It's a great feeling.

Especially when you see Him at work.  Coming back to yourself has some major benefits.  Miracles happening right in front of your very eyes.  Doors opening.  And your heart enlarging.

So, as I traded in my yellow "Escape", I'll now be riding in my "Element".  How long I've waited to be in my element.  Isn't that what we all wish for?  Being who you were created to be. Doing what you were created to do.

For today, I have arrived.  I still have plenty of future arriving to do.  I'm only at the very beginning.  There will be new challenges and lessons to be learned.  It will take me deeper, higher, and wider into the adventure of Life.  I'll make new memories, see new things...but this time from a New perspective.



Refreshing.




On that note, I'm off.  Baby girl and I have some ridin' to do.  Windows down.  Music up.  :)




(corresponding song: Cruisin' by Huey Lewis and Gwenyth Paltrow)

Hanging in the Balance.

Hanging in the balance.

That's kinda how I feel today.  Not in an anxious way, but just in a balancing kind of way.

The last two weeks were full of a lot.  I'm talking a lot.  Lots of vision, lots of opportunity, and lots of snot. The whole Humphrey clan was sick in the midst of a really fun couple of weeks.

Now, the sickness is subsiding.  There are still a few coughs a la carte, every once and awhile.  But, in general, we are better.  Life has slowed.  We still have vision and we walked through the opportunities, but now we're turning a new page.

It's called "the wait".

What I am waiting for?  Not quite sure actually.  But it feels like it will be good.

I know it will be good.

And in between the busy busy and the trips to Urgent Care, now I get a chance to catch my breath.  To look around.  To see where I have been, to ask where I am going.

It's times like these when life gives me a "break" that sometimes make me a little squeamish.  Like, c'mon, what's next! Tell me, tell me, tell me!

But this time, even though I am curious, I am choosing to soak up this selah.

To breathe.

And to stop, and take my turn to smell the roses.

Why be in a hurry?

Especially if you're going to live forever.

So, I wait.

And hope.

And chill.

It's only March 16, 2011 once.  So, I'll take my once in a lifetime opportunity to live. Today.

And to smell lots of flowers.  It's beautiful outside!

(corresponding song: 100 Years by Five for Fighting)

Can't Touch This

I'm bringing back the Hammer Pants.

You know it!

Let me rewind.  It started last August 1.  My birthday.  I received a card in the mail from my brother and sister-in-law.  It was one of those cards we all love.  You know, when you open it up, it plays a song.  Well, my birthday card had a fun little guy on the front.  It said "Another birthday? It's ok.  You're too cool for time to touch!"  When you opened it up, it played none other than "Can't Touch This!"  Now, as most people would laugh while opening a card like this, I did, too.  At first.  A few seconds later, it turned into tears.  Not of sadness.  But of joy. And of Love.  A kiss from Heaven.

God had been speaking to me in a season of so-called drought.  He had been talking to me about redeeming the time.  Though I am not much of a person who lives in regret, there was some time that had been "stolen" that I still sometimes brewed over.  Why did that happen?  Why did I waste that time? Why did I make that choice?  Instead of going with my guts, I chose to man-please, to be "realistic", and to walk away from myself. It wasn't necessarily a conscious choice; it was the choice of a wounded girl, searching for purpose, and listening to voices that were loudest at the time. But still, I've always wondered.  Does that make me inadequate now? Those talents and gifts and desires that were legitimate when I was younger, are they still legitimate even though I took "a break"?  Though God continued to give me a resounding "Yes", I still had a battle within myself to believe.

Enter early February.  Without going into too much detail (because it would result in a whole other blog post), I bring you to confirmation number 2: in the form of a physical miracle.  I was in a "church" meeting if you will.  This meeting just happened to be about taking back what the enemy had stolen in our lives.  Let me be clear.  Just like I believe there is a God, I believe there is a devil.  And he is a jerk.  Everything good, he attempts to take. He kills, he steals, he destroys.  He is not my friend.  And as my freedom and light increase, so do his attempts to keep my light dim.  And let me just tell you, he ain't so tricky.  I'm onto his schemes.  But sometimes, on those days where he comes at me hard, its easy to ask doubt-filled questions instead of faith-filled ones.  Previous to this meeting, he'd been at my heels.  Bringing up doubts, reminding me of mistakes, encouraging me to be sad. By the end of this meeting, after being reminded of the perfect Grace and restoration we get for free through Jesus, I decided in my heart: "It's payback time!" A few minutes later, I was prayed for.  Not knowing an inkling about me, the man praying for me proceeded to read my mail and speak directly into what had been stolen for me.  Moments later, I walked away with a physical manifestation of healing in my body.  Not like "I think that happened", I'm talkin' double stamped, watched-it-change-before-my-very-eyes happen.  Because God is that good.

Enter confirmation 3: called "Ok, I really believe now".  I have been taking a course called "Return to Divine Design" with a sweet mentor/friend.  We had quite the session the other day.  Looking at different areas of my heart, checking in with where I am in my journey back to myself.  In this session, this "time" that I mentioned earlier came up.  Though I had searched for ways to "make it right" by apologizing to God for time away, I had never, until this day, apologized to myself.  Told myself I was sorry for leaving.  It was in an instant, as I watched myself reconnect, that it sunk.  Tears came.  Reconciliation. The missing link.  What happened later was nothing short of another miracle.  My mentor friend, without knowing anything (aside from the Spirit of God), writes me a Facebook message. "U can't touch this!"

And, in the matter of a moment, I watched years that the locusts had eaten turn into provision.  And not just in my heart.  But in real Life.

Watching.miracles.happen.in.my.everyday.life.  That's the God I know.




(If you liked this, you'll get the full scoop in my book. It's coming down the pike. Yay!)

(corresponding song: You Can't Touch This by MC Hammer)

Transitioning...Again.

And oh, I love it.  From glory to glory.  Here we go!

Saying goodbye to that old stuff, grabbing onto the new.

Yesterday, there were storms all morning.  We had a tornado watch until 1pm.  And though I usually get a little freaked out at tornadoes, I was full of peace yesterday.  I was reminded of a time when I first moved to Nashville; we were living with some of our sweet friends.  And, I stood on the back porch, with Don.  A huge storm rolled in, and I mean huge.  Don looked up at that big cloud and said "Bring it, Lord. What do you want to say?"

And that's exactly what I felt yesterday.  Bring it, Lord.  A big storm, the sound of thunder, and sheets of rain.  Heck, even a tornado.  The whirlwind of God. Bring it.  Sweeping up that old, catching us up in His spirals, and ever-so-gently spittin' us back out onto Land in a new place.

Transition.

From glory to glory.

During the storms, Ella was conked out.  And, I decided to sew.  It's this thing I have.  When it storms, I sow.  It's an intercessor thing in me, I suppose.  Sow in tears now, reap in harvest later.

As I was sewing, I turned on a message from Danny Silk.  He was talking about Hope and how Hope is truly what sustains us as human beings.  He talked about Abraham and Sarah.  They were old, and they had hope.  So, even though there was no in-vitro or fertility pills or Viagra, they got to baby-making.  They had hope, and they took action.

Sometimes taking action can trigger doubt.  And, yet, Danny said it so eloquently: "You can't mess up God's promise.  You didn't make it."

And, so...back to the tent for some more attempts at baby-making.

And though it may take months or even years, Hope is what carried them.  The Promise carried them.  And it will carry us.

And isn't it so much easier that way?

No religious effort.

No "am I doing enough?"

No "is this the right door or the wrong door"?

Just riding the Hope train... All the way into the station.

Forgetting what is behind, grabbing hold of what is ahead.

God is faithful to us even when we are not.  That's how it works.  That's how He works.

And He is ever-so-patient.  The last two or three weeks, He has been very persistent with me.  Reminding me time and time again, Hope. (Another blog on this later).  And, I can't get away from it.  It shows up over and over and over again.  His reminder to me, "I got this one.  Hope."  And with each sighting of this "reminder", I let go a little more.  Of what I think "I" can do.  Of what I think "I" need to do.  And I just let Him come.  Fill me up with faith, and HOPE for those impossible promises that He's promised to me.  And, boy, is He reminding me.  He is really serious about me possessing my birthright, about becoming all that I was created to be, and about me reaping my reward.  And He won't stop until we do so...together.

On that note, Happy Tuesday.  May today be another piece of you slaying down your giants, possessing your inheritance, and living in your New Land!


(corresponding song: Forget You by Gwenyth Paltrow and Glee cast) 


Side note: I have no idea how this song correlates, I just like the beat.  Beat. Beat.