What Do You Want?

The last few days, I've been a little bit anxious.  You see, I saw this picture of God.  He was sitting there, waiting as patiently as He possibly could, for me to come near to Him.  I could feel His pulse for me.  He was so excited.


Come near. Thump. Thump.  I've got something for You.  Thump. Thump.


So, I started to wade through the dust that was between us.  It's part of the increase.  Part of going to that next level.


I could tell that I needed to set some time apart in my mornings to be still and to listen.  And what happened? All hell broke loose.  Ella got sick, keeping me up all night so by morning...I wasn't so chipper. Late for appointments, running around like a freak show with my morning breath, and then the anxiety crept crept crept in.


After I realized my opposition, I felt a little better.  Chill out, sister.  


After I got "chilled", enter discouragement from stage right (thankfully, I had a friend remind me of this BEFORE the monster got here).  That bugger's job was to keep me bound.  Bothered.  Questioning.  Just plain out lying to me. He set me on a religious road to the path of no acceptance.  You know that one?  It sounds something like this--"Did I do something wrong?", "Why are you not saying anything?", "You're not hearing from God because your heart isn't in the right place." Oh yes. He threw THAT one in there.  After finally throwing him to the curb, things got quiet.  I asked God to search my heart...to test any anxious thoughts in me.


And it was in the quiet that I opened an email from Sylvia Gunter (one of my favorite ladies!) that said:


"What do you want?"


Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. --James 1:17


It is just like God to be so AWESOME.


What do you want? Thump. Thump.  Tell me. Tell me.  Thump. Thump.  I'm waiting to give it to you.  Thump. Thump. Thump.


And what I realized was this:


"Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart"


He's been asking me to live with a heart that's fully alive.  That comes with me expressing my wants.  Not just my needs.


For some reason, religion seems to teach us that God isn't interested in our interests.  On the contrary, the God who created me, created my interests.  And He's been waiting for me to ask Him for what I want.


It's not selfish.  It's not prideful.  And He has plenty of resources.


I remember a few years ago driving through Brooklyn, NY.  Out of a sheer blurt of faith, I told my friends in the taxi how I was going to live in one of those Cosby houses.  You know, the brick ones with the trees lining the street.  A friend asked how I expected to do that.  I replied, "My Daddy's gonna buy me one."  And I meant it.


I have moments like that a lot.  He shows me something.  I want it.  For that moment, the faith is so strong.  I believe.


And, in between, is the journey to get there.  It comes with my daily agreement to Him to say "Yes".  It's not about me doing, but about me agreeing.  The more that starts to settle into my heart, the more I see my dreams come true...the more I see my faith move mountains.  Because He is a good God.  A giving God.  He is the ultimate Romantic.  Wooing my heart not only to Him but also to myself.  


In order to really respond to what He asked me today, I had to make two sets of lists. The first list was a compilation of reasons why I was scared to ask for what I wanted.  Because in reality, that's what it came down to. Just this alone was serious business.  


The second list included the things I want.  Though I am not quite ready to share this list yet, it ranged from one extreme to the other.  It dealt with my career, my family, my spirituality, my dreams, etc. I really sat down and thought about it.  Actually, I am still thinking about it.


I once heard a brilliant man say that when you come across something in your life--whether it be an event, a movie, a place, or a person--and you get butterflies in your stomach, you know that it is somehow tied to your destiny.  For me, it seems to be my spirit trying to get my attention---and cooperation.


And my spirit is where God resides. Go figure.


And so, I continue to make my move backward.  Toward Eden.  Pre-apple.  Undivided communion and a garden full of goods.


I'd love some company...anyone care to join me?  Thump. Thump.


(corresponding song: Half of My Heart by John Mayer (with Taylor Swift)