I've crossed over.
From the wishy-washy to the faith-filled.
When your spirit gets bigger and stronger than your soul, life shifts.
It changes from, "I think I can, I think I can" to
"You bet I can."
And every so often, there's even a "Watch this!"
There is a reality to the change of power. The switching of the guard. My soul, though strong and beautiful, had been in charge for a little too long. For most of us, I would say this is so. Our souls have been guarding and protecting all of our hurts and fears and boo boos. Keeping our dreams, our faith, and our relationships at a distance. "It's safer this way"...or so it seemed.
But after awhile, it just became so unsatisfying and frustrating. My spirit would catch a glimpse of who I was made to be and what I was created to do; and a result, I couldn't help but to want it. "Ooooooooo, that looks really fun!" Butterflies in the stomach and giggles in my gut.
But then the soul would interject, "But...now wait...that seems a little scary. Perhaps a bit too vulnerable. Are you sure you want to do that?"
Insert Voice of God here: "It's ok. Give it a try."
I take a step.
"Ok, yes, that's very fun! Another please."
And before I knew it, that half-empty glass turned to overflowing. Almost toppled over even.
It's really so much easier than I would have thought. Of course, it does take effort. But an effort that is birthed out of eagerness, out of desire, and out of enthusiastic curiosity.
Not any of that mundane, I-gotta-do-this-again-today, dreaded work.
And not only has it made the dreams in my heart flourish, but it also makes doing the dishes flourish, and changing poopy diapers flourish, and dare I say even wiping slobber off the walls flourish.
It just takes over.
And with it, love. That Love, it just comes a tumblin' down. All the way into my toes.
And then, pretty soon...you guessed it.
I feel the earth
Move
Under my feet.
And so it goes....
HAPPY Thursday!
(corresponding song: I Feel the Earth Move by Carole King)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
False Humility.
"And I pray that the fellowship of your faith may become effective through the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ's sake."--Philemon 1:6
Great verse, isn't it? I found it this morning after some contemplation about false humility.
I realized something about myself today. When I am pursuing something that is in my God-given DNA, I'm talking about the I-can't-breathe-if-I-don't-do-this-thing DNA, I am alive. It's intense, it's joy, it's what life is about.
And then...
Something slithers up next to me to push me down. You know what I'm talking about?
For me, this thing is called false humility.
It's a religious term. It makes you think you aren't following the rules (and if it haunts you, congratulations, you're not!). It tries to lower your expectations. It tries to steal your destiny.
Bah humbug!
Isn't it funny (but really not funny) how we can be convinced that giving attention to our good qualities or giftings is prideful? Something tells us that we shouldn't celebrate ourselves or our gifts, and often times, we listen.
Oh boy.
Somehow in our religious mindsets, I think we've decided that humility is either 1. feeling bad about ourselves as if we are not good enough or 2. lowering our expectations.
Well, here's what I discovered today. I am good enough. My Savior died to make me good enough, and I won't feel bad about myself. I like who I am. Actually, call me conceded, but I love who I am.
And then there's number two...
I don't know how many times I have been shot down or my dreams have been shot down by someone who wanted me to be less (myself included). Trying to lower my expectations, simmer me down. And, at times, I have fallen into this ugly lie's trap.
It's an easy one to fall into if you aren't paying attention. Especially if you live in a religious culture.
I somewhat understand the intentions behind wanting less. It seems simpler, is less demanding, requires no sacrifice. There is no controversy. Not to mention there is less chance of getting hurt.
But, it's the opposite of God.
Not to mention, it's boring.
Not satisfying what-so-ever.
I've been on the wishy washy cycle with this false humility thing for several years now. I move forward. It says "What?! No way, Hosea." It whispers in my ear "Now, don't go too far. You don't want to bring attention to yourself." I slow down. I take a break.
Then, I remember who I am.
I take a few more steps. It says "What??! No way, Hosea." You get the picture.
But everytime, I take a bigger step. And everytime, this bugger is easier to snatch. As my spirit grows bigger, he can't compete.
And you know how my spirit gets bigger...and stronger?
As my faith becomes effective, by my knowledge of the good gifts given to me for Christ's sake.
And that's all I have to say about that. (credit Forrest)
(corresponding song: Smile by Uncle Kracker)
Great verse, isn't it? I found it this morning after some contemplation about false humility.
I realized something about myself today. When I am pursuing something that is in my God-given DNA, I'm talking about the I-can't-breathe-if-I-don't-do-this-thing DNA, I am alive. It's intense, it's joy, it's what life is about.
And then...
Something slithers up next to me to push me down. You know what I'm talking about?
For me, this thing is called false humility.
It's a religious term. It makes you think you aren't following the rules (and if it haunts you, congratulations, you're not!). It tries to lower your expectations. It tries to steal your destiny.
Bah humbug!
Isn't it funny (but really not funny) how we can be convinced that giving attention to our good qualities or giftings is prideful? Something tells us that we shouldn't celebrate ourselves or our gifts, and often times, we listen.
Oh boy.
Somehow in our religious mindsets, I think we've decided that humility is either 1. feeling bad about ourselves as if we are not good enough or 2. lowering our expectations.
Well, here's what I discovered today. I am good enough. My Savior died to make me good enough, and I won't feel bad about myself. I like who I am. Actually, call me conceded, but I love who I am.
And then there's number two...
I don't know how many times I have been shot down or my dreams have been shot down by someone who wanted me to be less (myself included). Trying to lower my expectations, simmer me down. And, at times, I have fallen into this ugly lie's trap.
It's an easy one to fall into if you aren't paying attention. Especially if you live in a religious culture.
I somewhat understand the intentions behind wanting less. It seems simpler, is less demanding, requires no sacrifice. There is no controversy. Not to mention there is less chance of getting hurt.
But, it's the opposite of God.
Not to mention, it's boring.
Not satisfying what-so-ever.
I've been on the wishy washy cycle with this false humility thing for several years now. I move forward. It says "What?! No way, Hosea." It whispers in my ear "Now, don't go too far. You don't want to bring attention to yourself." I slow down. I take a break.
Then, I remember who I am.
I take a few more steps. It says "What??! No way, Hosea." You get the picture.
But everytime, I take a bigger step. And everytime, this bugger is easier to snatch. As my spirit grows bigger, he can't compete.
And you know how my spirit gets bigger...and stronger?
As my faith becomes effective, by my knowledge of the good gifts given to me for Christ's sake.
And that's all I have to say about that. (credit Forrest)
(corresponding song: Smile by Uncle Kracker)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love is like a St. Bernard.
Oh, Howie. How I love him. I couldn't imagine life without him.
And, oh, how he tests every patient part of my being.
He's big and fluffy. The best pillow around. This morning, as I had my head on his belly, he rested his giant of a head across my face, and though I could barely breathe, I loved.
And then, I walk downstairs. And I see dog food all over the kitchen floor. I sit down on the couch and cup my hot coffee only to realize I have rested my arm in a 2 inch long slobbery goo. And let's not talk about how many times my vacuum cleaner has been broken by overuse.
But there is something about this gentle giant, that woos me in. Just like love.
Sometimes it's messy, like muddy paws all over the couch and the clean kitchen floor. Sometimes it's heavy, like a St. Bernard who thinks he's a lap dog. Sometimes it's protective, like barking through the window while Ella takes her nap. And sometimes it's astonishing, like finding a monster of a dog in our bed eating a bone from the butcher. Blood and meat everywhere. And I am the one who has to take our oh-so-expensive, King-sized, down comforter to the dry cleaners, trying to convince them that I did not murder anyone.
But, when it comes down to it, he makes me a better person. Just like Love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. --1 Cor. 13:4-9
He comforts the parts in me that are broken and in need of a hug. You know that dogs have amazing healing power? He cuddles at just the right time. He sits at attention waiting for his treat like the sweetest of army soldiers. He makes me laugh as he scavenges under Ella's high chair eagerly awaiting a dropped blueberry. And then come his games. He scratches at the door for an hour to come inside, and everytime I get to the door and open it, he runs away (and smiles). He likes to play...and sometimes it tests my patience. It highlights the parts in me that still need a little lovin'. Just like the muddy paws and the slobber on the walls and the chunk of our budget labeled "lint rollers".
But it's a beautiful paradox, isn't it? Kinda like marriage. Kinda like parenting. A lot like Love.
So, on this Valentine's Day, may you find the kind of Love that brings out your strengths, heals your heart, and leads your weaknesses to some lovin'.
Happy Valentine's Day!
(corresponding song: Who Loves You by Frankie Valli)
And, oh, how he tests every patient part of my being.
He's big and fluffy. The best pillow around. This morning, as I had my head on his belly, he rested his giant of a head across my face, and though I could barely breathe, I loved.
And then, I walk downstairs. And I see dog food all over the kitchen floor. I sit down on the couch and cup my hot coffee only to realize I have rested my arm in a 2 inch long slobbery goo. And let's not talk about how many times my vacuum cleaner has been broken by overuse.
But there is something about this gentle giant, that woos me in. Just like love.
Sometimes it's messy, like muddy paws all over the couch and the clean kitchen floor. Sometimes it's heavy, like a St. Bernard who thinks he's a lap dog. Sometimes it's protective, like barking through the window while Ella takes her nap. And sometimes it's astonishing, like finding a monster of a dog in our bed eating a bone from the butcher. Blood and meat everywhere. And I am the one who has to take our oh-so-expensive, King-sized, down comforter to the dry cleaners, trying to convince them that I did not murder anyone.
But, when it comes down to it, he makes me a better person. Just like Love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. --1 Cor. 13:4-9
He comforts the parts in me that are broken and in need of a hug. You know that dogs have amazing healing power? He cuddles at just the right time. He sits at attention waiting for his treat like the sweetest of army soldiers. He makes me laugh as he scavenges under Ella's high chair eagerly awaiting a dropped blueberry. And then come his games. He scratches at the door for an hour to come inside, and everytime I get to the door and open it, he runs away (and smiles). He likes to play...and sometimes it tests my patience. It highlights the parts in me that still need a little lovin'. Just like the muddy paws and the slobber on the walls and the chunk of our budget labeled "lint rollers".
But it's a beautiful paradox, isn't it? Kinda like marriage. Kinda like parenting. A lot like Love.
So, on this Valentine's Day, may you find the kind of Love that brings out your strengths, heals your heart, and leads your weaknesses to some lovin'.
Happy Valentine's Day!
(corresponding song: Who Loves You by Frankie Valli)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Arriving.
It's funny how life is a series of moments. I often have to remind myself of that.
Society often looks at the value of our lives in terms of "Having Arrived". And, because it's somewhat common to believe what we're told, we also have valued our lives only in the times were we have "arrived".
The more I live (verb: to burn or glow, having resilence or bounce, being in play, moving or imparting motion, powered), the more I see my life as a series of arriving moments more than one large moment of "having arrived". Of course, there are some events that are more visibly arriving than others. There are graduations, job promotions, weddings, babies being born, and on and on and on. Those are blissful, and they definitely take us to new levels---and they are great to celebrate. But they are merely stepping stones in the continuous arriving of life.
Arriving also takes place in those hard days. The down in the dump kind of days, the nothing goes right kind of days, the "blah" days, and the repetitive days that seem somewhat boring. Those days are also building blocks, essential parts of our arriving.
I think it's easy to believe that once I get to this place or to that place in life, I will have made it. Life will be fine, work out, be--dare I say--easy. But the more and more I allow my heart the satisfaction of living in the process, the more and more I enjoy the serenity of my daily arriving.
It may come in the form of presence when listening to my husband's day, of laughing when Ella spills expensive organic puffs all over the floor at a restaurant, of breathing deep when I got negative test results back, or of forgiving and letting go when that thing that tried to kill me is poking its ugly head.
It's the process of peace.
When I relax and remind myself of the process, life is so much more enjoyable. If we're not constantly in search of the next thing to "make us ok", we can relish in the daily fact that we really are "ok". We are acceptable. Really. Who is there to impress? We are all walking around this place in our Earthsuits-- trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
Let's just be honest.
What we do know, though, is that we want our lives to matter. We don't want to leave this place without leaving our mark and experiencing all there was for us to experience. We want to feel love and be validated in our identity. We want to live, really live.
And so, we do. In those everyday moments. We stop, we relish, we breathe. When it's hard, when it's great, when it's really hard, and when it's really great.
And just when we get to the point of that uphill climb, when we look up and say to God "You said you wouldn't give me anything I can't handle." It comes. Breakthrough. A breath of fresh air. The joy of the third part of the Trinity.
And, we laugh. We dance. Our eyes water.
And we are refreshed.
Feeling the love. The acceptance. And the overcoming.
Oh yea.
(corresponding song: Hey, Soul Sister by Train)
Society often looks at the value of our lives in terms of "Having Arrived". And, because it's somewhat common to believe what we're told, we also have valued our lives only in the times were we have "arrived".
The more I live (verb: to burn or glow, having resilence or bounce, being in play, moving or imparting motion, powered), the more I see my life as a series of arriving moments more than one large moment of "having arrived". Of course, there are some events that are more visibly arriving than others. There are graduations, job promotions, weddings, babies being born, and on and on and on. Those are blissful, and they definitely take us to new levels---and they are great to celebrate. But they are merely stepping stones in the continuous arriving of life.
Arriving also takes place in those hard days. The down in the dump kind of days, the nothing goes right kind of days, the "blah" days, and the repetitive days that seem somewhat boring. Those days are also building blocks, essential parts of our arriving.
I think it's easy to believe that once I get to this place or to that place in life, I will have made it. Life will be fine, work out, be--dare I say--easy. But the more and more I allow my heart the satisfaction of living in the process, the more and more I enjoy the serenity of my daily arriving.
It may come in the form of presence when listening to my husband's day, of laughing when Ella spills expensive organic puffs all over the floor at a restaurant, of breathing deep when I got negative test results back, or of forgiving and letting go when that thing that tried to kill me is poking its ugly head.
It's the process of peace.
When I relax and remind myself of the process, life is so much more enjoyable. If we're not constantly in search of the next thing to "make us ok", we can relish in the daily fact that we really are "ok". We are acceptable. Really. Who is there to impress? We are all walking around this place in our Earthsuits-- trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
Let's just be honest.
What we do know, though, is that we want our lives to matter. We don't want to leave this place without leaving our mark and experiencing all there was for us to experience. We want to feel love and be validated in our identity. We want to live, really live.
And so, we do. In those everyday moments. We stop, we relish, we breathe. When it's hard, when it's great, when it's really hard, and when it's really great.
And just when we get to the point of that uphill climb, when we look up and say to God "You said you wouldn't give me anything I can't handle." It comes. Breakthrough. A breath of fresh air. The joy of the third part of the Trinity.
And, we laugh. We dance. Our eyes water.
And we are refreshed.
Feeling the love. The acceptance. And the overcoming.
Oh yea.
(corresponding song: Hey, Soul Sister by Train)
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day Planner.
So, today, I took a small plunge. I bought myself a planner. I have had planners before, but I tend to slide more to the P side of Myer's Briggs than the J side. So, organization is sometimes hard for me. But, I keep feeling like it's time for me to put some of my goals on paper... and then, get to it.
Last night, I added more to my lists of fears and to my list of wants. I asked the Holy Spirit to un-bury what was buried. That'll get ya going.
Afterward, I decided to make another list. This list would help encourage the practical portion of myself that I often leave at the door. If you are a dreamer, you know what I'm talkin' about. I sometimes envy people who are task masters. Me? I'm just not really one of them at the moment. Tasks are difficult for me. I can much more easily dream than actually do. But, I'm ready to activate my "doing" side. Baby steps. I bought a day planner. Step one: check.
To help me activate my practical side, here is my to do list.
1. Remind myself to start small; don't get ahead of myself.
2. Make a small and flexible set of goals. Follow them; avoid double-mindedness. Just go for it.
3. Define my roles and make a personal mission statement (I got this idea HERE).
4. Be realistic with my goals and time.
5. Have accountability with others who are encouraging to me.
6. Go with my guts.
7. Have fun.
8. Pray for myself. Ask for success in my endeavors.
Now this list may seem trite to some of you common sense type of people. But let me tell you, I am book smart. This list was hard work! :D
And after my first step of hard work, I am feeling empowered to move toward some of my wants.
On my way to Target to purchase my cute little planner, I turned on the radio. Sometimes I turn on the radio and ask God to play me songs. He likes that game. I do, too. He always picks just the right ones. And then, you usually hear them on my blog the next day.
So, this morning, this was my song (emphasis mine). Happy Thursday!
I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
(corresponding song: Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield)
Last night, I added more to my lists of fears and to my list of wants. I asked the Holy Spirit to un-bury what was buried. That'll get ya going.
Afterward, I decided to make another list. This list would help encourage the practical portion of myself that I often leave at the door. If you are a dreamer, you know what I'm talkin' about. I sometimes envy people who are task masters. Me? I'm just not really one of them at the moment. Tasks are difficult for me. I can much more easily dream than actually do. But, I'm ready to activate my "doing" side. Baby steps. I bought a day planner. Step one: check.
To help me activate my practical side, here is my to do list.
1. Remind myself to start small; don't get ahead of myself.
2. Make a small and flexible set of goals. Follow them; avoid double-mindedness. Just go for it.
3. Define my roles and make a personal mission statement (I got this idea HERE).
4. Be realistic with my goals and time.
5. Have accountability with others who are encouraging to me.
6. Go with my guts.
7. Have fun.
8. Pray for myself. Ask for success in my endeavors.
Now this list may seem trite to some of you common sense type of people. But let me tell you, I am book smart. This list was hard work! :D
And after my first step of hard work, I am feeling empowered to move toward some of my wants.
On my way to Target to purchase my cute little planner, I turned on the radio. Sometimes I turn on the radio and ask God to play me songs. He likes that game. I do, too. He always picks just the right ones. And then, you usually hear them on my blog the next day.
So, this morning, this was my song (emphasis mine). Happy Thursday!
I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
(corresponding song: Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
What Do You Want?
The last few days, I've been a little bit anxious. You see, I saw this picture of God. He was sitting there, waiting as patiently as He possibly could, for me to come near to Him. I could feel His pulse for me. He was so excited.
Come near. Thump. Thump. I've got something for You. Thump. Thump.
So, I started to wade through the dust that was between us. It's part of the increase. Part of going to that next level.
I could tell that I needed to set some time apart in my mornings to be still and to listen. And what happened? All hell broke loose. Ella got sick, keeping me up all night so by morning...I wasn't so chipper. Late for appointments, running around like a freak show with my morning breath, and then the anxiety crept crept crept in.
After I realized my opposition, I felt a little better. Chill out, sister.
After I got "chilled", enter discouragement from stage right (thankfully, I had a friend remind me of this BEFORE the monster got here). That bugger's job was to keep me bound. Bothered. Questioning. Just plain out lying to me. He set me on a religious road to the path of no acceptance. You know that one? It sounds something like this--"Did I do something wrong?", "Why are you not saying anything?", "You're not hearing from God because your heart isn't in the right place." Oh yes. He threw THAT one in there. After finally throwing him to the curb, things got quiet. I asked God to search my heart...to test any anxious thoughts in me.
And it was in the quiet that I opened an email from Sylvia Gunter (one of my favorite ladies!) that said:
"What do you want?"
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. --James 1:17
It is just like God to be so AWESOME.
What do you want? Thump. Thump. Tell me. Tell me. Thump. Thump. I'm waiting to give it to you. Thump. Thump. Thump.
And what I realized was this:
"Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart"
He's been asking me to live with a heart that's fully alive. That comes with me expressing my wants. Not just my needs.
For some reason, religion seems to teach us that God isn't interested in our interests. On the contrary, the God who created me, created my interests. And He's been waiting for me to ask Him for what I want.
It's not selfish. It's not prideful. And He has plenty of resources.
I remember a few years ago driving through Brooklyn, NY. Out of a sheer blurt of faith, I told my friends in the taxi how I was going to live in one of those Cosby houses. You know, the brick ones with the trees lining the street. A friend asked how I expected to do that. I replied, "My Daddy's gonna buy me one." And I meant it.
I have moments like that a lot. He shows me something. I want it. For that moment, the faith is so strong. I believe.
And, in between, is the journey to get there. It comes with my daily agreement to Him to say "Yes". It's not about me doing, but about me agreeing. The more that starts to settle into my heart, the more I see my dreams come true...the more I see my faith move mountains. Because He is a good God. A giving God. He is the ultimate Romantic. Wooing my heart not only to Him but also to myself.
In order to really respond to what He asked me today, I had to make two sets of lists. The first list was a compilation of reasons why I was scared to ask for what I wanted. Because in reality, that's what it came down to. Just this alone was serious business.
The second list included the things I want. Though I am not quite ready to share this list yet, it ranged from one extreme to the other. It dealt with my career, my family, my spirituality, my dreams, etc. I really sat down and thought about it. Actually, I am still thinking about it.
I once heard a brilliant man say that when you come across something in your life--whether it be an event, a movie, a place, or a person--and you get butterflies in your stomach, you know that it is somehow tied to your destiny. For me, it seems to be my spirit trying to get my attention---and cooperation.
And my spirit is where God resides. Go figure.
And so, I continue to make my move backward. Toward Eden. Pre-apple. Undivided communion and a garden full of goods.
I'd love some company...anyone care to join me? Thump. Thump.
(corresponding song: Half of My Heart by John Mayer (with Taylor Swift)
Come near. Thump. Thump. I've got something for You. Thump. Thump.
So, I started to wade through the dust that was between us. It's part of the increase. Part of going to that next level.
I could tell that I needed to set some time apart in my mornings to be still and to listen. And what happened? All hell broke loose. Ella got sick, keeping me up all night so by morning...I wasn't so chipper. Late for appointments, running around like a freak show with my morning breath, and then the anxiety crept crept crept in.
After I realized my opposition, I felt a little better. Chill out, sister.
After I got "chilled", enter discouragement from stage right (thankfully, I had a friend remind me of this BEFORE the monster got here). That bugger's job was to keep me bound. Bothered. Questioning. Just plain out lying to me. He set me on a religious road to the path of no acceptance. You know that one? It sounds something like this--"Did I do something wrong?", "Why are you not saying anything?", "You're not hearing from God because your heart isn't in the right place." Oh yes. He threw THAT one in there. After finally throwing him to the curb, things got quiet. I asked God to search my heart...to test any anxious thoughts in me.
And it was in the quiet that I opened an email from Sylvia Gunter (one of my favorite ladies!) that said:
"What do you want?"
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. --James 1:17
It is just like God to be so AWESOME.
What do you want? Thump. Thump. Tell me. Tell me. Thump. Thump. I'm waiting to give it to you. Thump. Thump. Thump.
And what I realized was this:
"Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Time will hold, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart"
He's been asking me to live with a heart that's fully alive. That comes with me expressing my wants. Not just my needs.
For some reason, religion seems to teach us that God isn't interested in our interests. On the contrary, the God who created me, created my interests. And He's been waiting for me to ask Him for what I want.
It's not selfish. It's not prideful. And He has plenty of resources.
I remember a few years ago driving through Brooklyn, NY. Out of a sheer blurt of faith, I told my friends in the taxi how I was going to live in one of those Cosby houses. You know, the brick ones with the trees lining the street. A friend asked how I expected to do that. I replied, "My Daddy's gonna buy me one." And I meant it.
I have moments like that a lot. He shows me something. I want it. For that moment, the faith is so strong. I believe.
And, in between, is the journey to get there. It comes with my daily agreement to Him to say "Yes". It's not about me doing, but about me agreeing. The more that starts to settle into my heart, the more I see my dreams come true...the more I see my faith move mountains. Because He is a good God. A giving God. He is the ultimate Romantic. Wooing my heart not only to Him but also to myself.
In order to really respond to what He asked me today, I had to make two sets of lists. The first list was a compilation of reasons why I was scared to ask for what I wanted. Because in reality, that's what it came down to. Just this alone was serious business.
The second list included the things I want. Though I am not quite ready to share this list yet, it ranged from one extreme to the other. It dealt with my career, my family, my spirituality, my dreams, etc. I really sat down and thought about it. Actually, I am still thinking about it.
I once heard a brilliant man say that when you come across something in your life--whether it be an event, a movie, a place, or a person--and you get butterflies in your stomach, you know that it is somehow tied to your destiny. For me, it seems to be my spirit trying to get my attention---and cooperation.
And my spirit is where God resides. Go figure.
And so, I continue to make my move backward. Toward Eden. Pre-apple. Undivided communion and a garden full of goods.
I'd love some company...anyone care to join me? Thump. Thump.
(corresponding song: Half of My Heart by John Mayer (with Taylor Swift)
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