Shame....shame...I know you're name...

And I'm not scared of you.

I've been thinking about the topic of "shame" quite a bit the last few weeks.  You know shame, right? It likes to creep its way into almost any experience for any woman.  It's more clingy than Saran Wrap coming out of the roll and more suffocating than most other types of fear combined.  It can almost be described as an umbrella to the lies of the enemy.  It tries to carefully and cleverly package anything creative or vulnerable or valuable that could be attempting to be birthed within us.  After it ties a ribbon (or gag) so tightly around the gift inside, you can rarely get it open without scissors.  And what fun is a present that you can't get open?

Not much fun at all.

I've noticed in my few short years of living in "recovery" (AKA "truly believing how God feels about me") that shame just can't wait to rear its ugly head when something really good is about to happen--when God is about to flood my heart like a river. Because you know shame's main purpose? To scare me out of receiving Him.  It wants to keep me held back from freedom.  Most of the endeavors in my life that have turned out to be the most fruitful and satisfying were completely wrapped in shame before God so graciously helped me start to birth them.  Shame did its best to steal not only my identity, but also my gifts, by asking me questions that sounded like...

"Who do you think you are?"

"Do you really think you can do that?"

"What makes you so special?"

Or it flat out lied to me like...

"You're not enough."

"You're too much."

"Just be quiet."

"I can't believe you said that, did that, danced that, wrote that, etc."

And let's not forget the ever so clever "Your dreams won't come true. Your situation will never change. Don't bother." Hopelessness, Party of One, your table is ready.

For women, it also likes to force its way into friendships.  It keeps us from sharing our hearts, our emotions, our true feelings, our real life stories. It keeps us isolated from one another.  It keeps us quiet.  It's easier to say nothing at all and be miserable inside--than to say something and possibly be rejected.  Or so shame says. It's partner in crime is often Comparison.  And one of my favorite reminders about comparison is this:

"Comparison is the thief of Joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

Once I start comparing myself to another woman, the door has been opened for shame to take a seat.  And then it starts in with accusations like: "Wow, you're not as smart, confident, pretty, talented, etc. as her. Perhaps you should just back it up, sister." It's gagging that gift again.

What I've found most successful in my battle against shame has actually been walking through the desert. In Hosea 2:14, God says "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." During this desert time(s), my spirit has been desperate for a drink of water.  I decided that if I didn't start taking some creative risks or relational risks that I was going to die inside.  In fact, I was already dying inside--because I didn't know who I was in Him.  As I so fragilely opened myself up to the vulnerability of God, I was transformed. As I moved toward the things that I wanted the most and also feared the most, I came alive.  If it was a creative endeavor, I decided to stop thinking about it and actually try it.  If it was a relationship, I asked that person to get coffee.  I decided that I wasn't going to let shame stop me from living, and so I went out on a limb first.  No matter how small or insignificant it seemed. The desert saved my life; desperation saved my life.

What became of those small steps of faith are deep and lasting friendships, joy, dreams fulfilled, and most importantly--strong pillars in my identity as a child of God.  It didn't mean that all the attempts at freedom turned out successful right away, but what it did mean was that I was moving forward.  

No longer allowing myself to be held in by the umbrella.  

It, in turn, gave me the opportunity to feel many emotions that I had stuffed or hidden deep inside, and it also invited me to process the experiences of my life--whether good or bad. It was not always easy and still isn't, but God was always faithful. And still is.

And once I went through one door, it was much easier to go through another door.  And another door.  And another door.

And you know what? I can still struggle with it sometimes--- but it has stop ruling my life.  In fact, I now find it almost fun to push the boundaries of my insecurities. Deeper and Deeper into Acceptance I go. Constantly receiving the grace to believe the beauty of my Father's love for me...celebrating the unique way in which He delicately and deliberately created me. 

And you.

So, with that, I'll leave with you a few thoughts/questions to ponder as we process the way shame has played a part in our journeys...

How often do you hear the questions or thoughts above in your mind? Spend a day intentionally paying attention to how you react to yourself in normal everyday activities. When you hear one of the lies, stop what you're doing and recognize how you're feeling. It can be as big as giving a presentation for work or as small as a comment you make on Facebook. Shame won't discriminate. It likes to show up anywhere. Brene Brown, an author and speaker, often says she knows she's in the shame cycle when her heart beats fast and she starts saying things to herself like "Why did you do that? What were you thinking?". The first step to change is recognizing where shame likes to creep in. Can you notice a specific pattern in your life?

Where can you take a practical step forward in a creative endeavor or area of passion that you've always wanted to try but have been scared to? If you want to run a marathon, buy a pair of shoes. If you want to dance, find a studio. If you want to paint, put on some music and try it. Make a list of things you'd like to pursue. Share it with someone. And then, try them! (And do not judge yourself in the process!)

How can you take a step forward relationally? Is there a person you'd really like to get to know but are afraid that she wouldn't be interested in hanging out with you? Ask her. Or is there something you are really struggling with but are afraid to share? Find a safe friend, and let it out. Women love to know one another and to be known; it's in our DNA! Pursue a friend.

And--as women with a high calling--let's be actively aware of opportunities to celebrate one another and to be advocates for one another! Let's be great listeners and trusted friends. Let's be encouraging to one another in each of our unique personalities and giftings and character, pulling greatness out of each other's lives. I think we will find that we are surrounded by a wealth of hidden beauty and gifts that are eagerly waiting to be opened.