Cacooning

I'm pretty sure that every time I go through a big transition I think that my current transition is the biggest of my life.  And with each shift, I do think it's true.  Each transition is of greater magnitude than the last, and as they accumulate through the history of my life, I get to see a glimpse of the bigger picture.

In the midst of transition, sometimes it is hard to see.  I can lose vision. Most of the time it's easy to focus on the resistance and on the seemingly "no answers".  I start to calculate all of the ways that I can just push this transition through, as if my will is actually strong enough to break through this wall of layered steps calculated by the very Hand of God.

Sometimes He is gracious enough that He sends me a clue.  I latch on, and I feel a spark.  It's Hope.

And other times, He is gracious enough to teach me the language of faith.  This faith only becomes tangible as I let go of my need for certainty.  In certainty, I surely become bored.  And life becomes mundane.

Yet in the chaos of a faith-filled life, I somehow stretch through those layered steps and loosen the elasticity of the walls of my cacoon.

There is no formula, and there is no guarantee.  The only way I know is Up and Out.  The only thing I know is that the last layer no longer satisfies my hunger.  It's season has taken it's turn.  It no longer works.  And so I wait while I also attempt to move forward in a way in which I do not know.  And in a way in which I do not understand.

I love understanding.

I love knowledge.

I scoop it up whenever possible.  I love filling my mind with the richness of Truth and the discovery of unknown territory.

But when I come upon a season where knowledge can't seem to be found, I have to learn how to embrace the curve.

I wish I had a practical application of this.

Oh, do I wish I had a practical application of this.

I have no application, and the only illustration I can think of is Elaine on Seinfeld.....

when she's dancing like a dry heave. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

(The belly laugh helps.)

And so, in the midst of catching the curve, I let loose a little.  Of course, I can't let go all the way....  but I let go of the amount I can today.  And tomorrow that amount accumulates with another small seed of faith, and the next day another.

And before I know it, Spring has arrived.  And with it, I see the fruit of what my cold season bore.  When it's the end of January, all I typically want to do is skip February and get to March.

And yet, God decided to name February the month of Love.  And in it, He also gave me a baby girl (Ella Junebug's birthday!).  And so as much as I sometimes want to kick the cold weather to the curb, tell the gray skies to find someone else to bother, and try to hurry up the last days of winter in exchange for the fresh days of spring......I remind myself of what comes in the midst of Snow.

Fresh love and fresh life.

And they've been brewing for some time now.  Just waiting for their chance to break through the soil and meet sunshine for the first time.

I can hang on for a little while longer--even when I think I can't.

Patience is a virtue, and sometimes the most growth happens when I'm cold.  Even though I hate to admit it and even though it doesn't feel like it.

But isn't that faith?

I'm back to square one, I suppose.

Unanswered questions stretch my heart to be filled with unexpected surprises.......