Moved....

Hey ya'll!

I've moved! Please check out my new blog at www.sarahhumphrey.com

While "Ex'posure" has treated me well, it was time for an upgrade. I hope you'll come follow along!

Cacooning

I'm pretty sure that every time I go through a big transition I think that my current transition is the biggest of my life.  And with each shift, I do think it's true.  Each transition is of greater magnitude than the last, and as they accumulate through the history of my life, I get to see a glimpse of the bigger picture.

In the midst of transition, sometimes it is hard to see.  I can lose vision. Most of the time it's easy to focus on the resistance and on the seemingly "no answers".  I start to calculate all of the ways that I can just push this transition through, as if my will is actually strong enough to break through this wall of layered steps calculated by the very Hand of God.

Sometimes He is gracious enough that He sends me a clue.  I latch on, and I feel a spark.  It's Hope.

And other times, He is gracious enough to teach me the language of faith.  This faith only becomes tangible as I let go of my need for certainty.  In certainty, I surely become bored.  And life becomes mundane.

Yet in the chaos of a faith-filled life, I somehow stretch through those layered steps and loosen the elasticity of the walls of my cacoon.

There is no formula, and there is no guarantee.  The only way I know is Up and Out.  The only thing I know is that the last layer no longer satisfies my hunger.  It's season has taken it's turn.  It no longer works.  And so I wait while I also attempt to move forward in a way in which I do not know.  And in a way in which I do not understand.

I love understanding.

I love knowledge.

I scoop it up whenever possible.  I love filling my mind with the richness of Truth and the discovery of unknown territory.

But when I come upon a season where knowledge can't seem to be found, I have to learn how to embrace the curve.

I wish I had a practical application of this.

Oh, do I wish I had a practical application of this.

I have no application, and the only illustration I can think of is Elaine on Seinfeld.....

when she's dancing like a dry heave. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

(The belly laugh helps.)

And so, in the midst of catching the curve, I let loose a little.  Of course, I can't let go all the way....  but I let go of the amount I can today.  And tomorrow that amount accumulates with another small seed of faith, and the next day another.

And before I know it, Spring has arrived.  And with it, I see the fruit of what my cold season bore.  When it's the end of January, all I typically want to do is skip February and get to March.

And yet, God decided to name February the month of Love.  And in it, He also gave me a baby girl (Ella Junebug's birthday!).  And so as much as I sometimes want to kick the cold weather to the curb, tell the gray skies to find someone else to bother, and try to hurry up the last days of winter in exchange for the fresh days of spring......I remind myself of what comes in the midst of Snow.

Fresh love and fresh life.

And they've been brewing for some time now.  Just waiting for their chance to break through the soil and meet sunshine for the first time.

I can hang on for a little while longer--even when I think I can't.

Patience is a virtue, and sometimes the most growth happens when I'm cold.  Even though I hate to admit it and even though it doesn't feel like it.

But isn't that faith?

I'm back to square one, I suppose.

Unanswered questions stretch my heart to be filled with unexpected surprises.......

My Ode to Subacute Thyroiditis

OMG.

I just had the craziest of December's in my entire life.  I make light of this situation because it wasn't life-threatening, but oh-my-gosh-it-felt-life-threatening-in-the-heat-of-the-moment.  Now that I have had some time to recover from my goiter of a neck and from my sky-rocketing heart rate, I can laugh a little bit.  Because laughing and retrospect thinking alway make situations seem better.

And so does gratitude.

I may not have been so grateful when I'd wake up at 3am with night sweats and what felt like a double ear infection, but during the moments I wasn't over-irritable or over-stimulated, I was able to rationalize what was happening in my present moment as a gift.

It's sometimes ironic how gifts come in not-so-neatly wrapped packages.  My subacute thyroiditis was one of these.

During the early fall, I kept feeling like Christmas was going to be a big breakthrough time for me. I was looking forward to Christmas, and I was excited to watch Ella really "get it" this year.  Not to mention, Lucy would be experiencing her first year of the blessed holiday.

To what seemed to be my detriment, after a few months of feeling a bit anxious for no apparent reason, I started having throat pain sometime in November. And as December approached, it only escalated.  With it came a racing heart, irritability, massive over-stimulation, nervousness, muscle weakness, and extreme fatigue.  By early December, I had to make a doctor's appointment because I didn't know what to do with myself.

I won't bore you with all the details of my results, but I will tell you that you don't ever want to get subacute thyroiditis. It is a living hell. I even got a goiter. And I had a fever for three weeks. And I was mean a lot. My thyroid had been over-producing for almost 6 months, and so I lost weight and was also a nervous wreck.

They aren't sure what causes this year-long thyroidic roller coaster ride though they guess it starts with an upper-respiratory infection. Apparently, it's very rare. (Leave it to me to pick some disease to get that is very rare!)  My only real consolation to this nemesis was Motrin for three weeks straight so that my neck would stop feeling like it was going to explode and my fever would be masked. 

I took the Motrin.

And I stopped drinking coffee. (That is a whole other story in itself).  You don't want to see a mom of two kids under 3 without a morning cup of coffee.  For a week, I was propelled into the woes of depression by my coffee detox--the small bit of comfort was that one cup of coffee. And exercise? Oh my gosh. You don't want to do cardio when you're heart rate is through the roof.

So, I sat still, and I tried not to yell at anyone.

It's a good thing I had/have taken a somewhat hiatus from social media because had I not, I would have surely been on your block list because I would have been ranting about something...all the time.

I have to say, though, that during this extreme amount of pain and inner-hyperactivity, I had more peace than I knew what to do with.  It was one of those God things.  Peace that passes all understanding.

Until I was able to get any concrete results about what was happening to my body, I of course googled everything under the sun relating to the thyroid.  And as I did, some horrible disorders came up.  And even in the midst of wondering if I might have some of those or a tumor or whatever, I knew that I knew that God was doing something.

Sometimes I find that when I get sick, He is actually purging me of all kinds of negative things in my body that I don't need.  Having a fever for three weeks made my body an oven for killing bacteria and a host of other unwanted entities. My immune system was telling something nasty to get the heck out of my body.  A detox of sorts.

And my whole 2012 was a detox. There were moments of clarity and freedom, and then I was surely onto the next thing to get rid of.  When I look back, I think it was wonderful.  Look at what God did for me! I feel so much better!  But in the moment, I wasn't always quite so fun to be around.  (I can admit when I need introvert time).

Before the subacute thyroiditis started in full force, I started taking time in silence.  I wanted to listen.  Not only to God but also to myself.  My body was already feeling a bit weak from delivering a babe, and I knew that in order to find peace and strength, I needed to listen.  And as soon as I learned how to get really quiet, my body started freaking out.

This is what I've been trying to tell myself? This is what You've been trying to tell me? 

Yes.

But I wasn't in a place to listen until this ripe moment in my history.

And as soon as it was ripe, my body was loud.  And mad. And getting rid of more junk.

And now it's starting to quiet down, and heal itself, and prepare for several months of slow down.  Instead of hyperactive, its moves to hypoactive for several months.  True Southern style. Hopefully with a side of sweet tea.

But for now, at least I can have my cup of coffee.

And I can relish in the fact that God did it again.

We hold so much junk in our cellular memories.  So much pain and unresolved goo.  And sometimes we won't choose to let go until we finally listen to what our body is telling us. Our spirits our speaking to us all the time.

When push comes to shove and we find ourselves in a corner, we see the hell we've been living in.  And then we give it up.

Why no thank you. I'd prefer not to live in that toxic pit of unforgiveness and drudgery.  Funny enough, I didn't even know that layer existed.

But He did.  And in His effort to un-turn everything that He can un-turn for me so that I can see not only the goodness of He but also the joy of Life, He lets me get triggered.

And He gives me room to struggle.  And He gives me room to argue.  To get angry.  To feel pain.  To inventory my decisions.  And to make room for reconciliation in my heart.

What a God.

Until next time (hopefully not subacute thyroiditis--though it rarely happens twice--even though it rarely happens once), I'll be seeing you all soon....

(P.S. I have missed blogging with all my book writing. I think I'll try to be back at it a bit now that I have the grunt work of my book finished! You all are always so fun to share with. :) )

Lots of love to you on this rainy Wednesday!