Christmas.

I’ve attempted to start a blog twice over the last couple weeks but have ended up typing, erasing, and then re-typing---only to leave them both half finished with no real pull to go back.   And so, as I reflect on what I’m feeling this Christmas season, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have one mainstream theme or one solid idea about what I’m living through this Christmas.  I suppose that, really, I have several things that keep tip-toeing and/or sprinting through my mind this year.  Some are good, and some are challenging.  Some are reminders while others are lavish outbursts of joy.  So, instead of writing about just one topic, here are my December 2011 highlights…..

FORGIVENESS

Nothing reminds you of the challenge to forgive quite like being wronged.  Am I right?  And Christmas, the birthplace of forgiveness, came in none other than a baby-sized package whose parents were constantly told “There’s no room for you here” over and over again until this King of Kings, Forgiveness himself, was born in straw---next to pig sewage and cow droppings.  I would assume that none of us would have chosen this place to be born, and yet it reminds us that the road less traveled and the road of humility is in fact the way to royalty.  It tweeks my heart, though tempted to close itself, to remain open and flexible and aware to possibility of Hope even in the midst of seemingly chaos.  And it reminds me that the heart that is not offended is always open to give and receive Love, while offense only triggers bitterness and resentment.  Forgiveness, though usually a journey, can also be miraculously quick, depending on my willingness to surrender to the greater purpose it poses.  God Himself.  He is always the end result, is always our Hope, and always comes through—even when He can come wrapped in a package we might not like at first.

PREGNANCY

There is something so special about being pregnant at Christmas.  I’m not sure if it’s because I seem to relate to Mary, or if it’s because of the anticipation and joy of what is to come, or if it’s just the pure nostalgia of it all.  But each Christmas that I’ve had a baby in my baby has seemed so magical.  It reminds of me of God’s faithfulness and Fatherly love, the joy He takes over His children, and the Hope of what He has on the horizon for them.  My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude to be chosen to carry another life.  It really is a privilege—and I always want to treat it as such.  And being pregnant at Christmas just feels so right—so divine and so aligned—at least for me.  The hope of a new year, and the birth of new life to come.

REST

I have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season.  I would definitely tip the scale more toward love, and yet the part I “hate” comes in waves—mostly the underlying anxiety of a gigantic to do list.  I love parties and celebrations and time with family, but as I’ve grown older, my need to re-charge and rest has become more of a priority than making it to every holiday function I have the opportunity to go to.

I got an email from a reader (and friend!) a few weeks ago asking me how I deal with managing priorities while also remaining obedient to God—in the midst of being secure enough about my decisions not to fear the reactions of others. As I wrote her back, it really made me think a lot about this season of life--the holidays in particular.  It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to please everyone while juggling priorities that really don’t belong to me, in the midst of family or friends that may do things differently than I do.  I would say this is probably an every day occurrence for people who are parents or leaders, and yet it comes to a head in the wake of December 25^th’s arrival.  I would say that in no way am I a master of such a topic, and yet after years of over-doing and over-responsibility, I am acutely aware when I’ve drifted from a place of rest into a place of overcompensation.  And just for that small victory, I am extremely grateful.  I wouldn’t suggest that rest looks the same for each of us because we all have unique personalities; we each have a certain flow of activities that can keep us feeling either in our groove, frazzled out of our groove, or drearily bored out of our minds until we find our groove.  And for each of us, it varies. But what I do know and what I have learned is that I can’t be obedient to God outside of rest and peace, and when I’m in that place, I can easily manage my priorities with joy while also not being swayed by the perceptions of others.  And while I am filled with that kind of rest, the holidays become a beautiful culmination to yet another year fulfilled.

BELIEVING

And last but not least, nothing speaks of Christmas like the choice to Believe.  We were driving down the street the other night looking at Christmas lights with Ella.  Just as we hit a stop sign, Josh Groban’s song, Believe, came on and I lost it as I turned around and looked at Ella’s sweet face smiling at twinkling lights to the classic lyrics “Give your dreams the wings to fly” sang through the car.  Call it pregnancy hormones, call it having a moment, call it the presence of God.  No matter what it was, I was in it.  And it’s moments like these that are so beautifully Christmas.  Hope in the midst of a manger.  Peace in a world of chaos.  And joy to a population whose rate of anti-depressants are at an all-time high.  The choice to believe will change your entire life.  It brings reality to the desires of your heart, and it heals the brokenness of damage from the past.  It’s what Christmas is all about.

And it is why I LOVE Christmas so much!

Whether you are forgiving or forgiven, pregnant with natural life or spiritual promise, full of rest or on your way to a good nap, may you believe in the goodness of God this Holiday season!

Merry Christmas to you and yours...

Say.

I'm in a dark room.

I scream out.

No one hears me.

I scream louder.

In You come.

You hear me.

You validate me.

You've created my voice--
To speak of Yours.

"Hold it down. Hold it closed. Shush!"

It says from across the room.

I'm in a chair.

My hands are tied.

"Lies! Lies!"

It spews and spells.

"Shut her up!"

And in You've walked.

Confident and full of poise.

You take out the gag drudged through my mouth.

"What would you like to say, my dear?
The mic is yours; now have no fear."

"What I'd like to say,"
I reveal from my heart
"Is that Your Kingdom is coming and from You I won't part.
You've changed my life; pronounced me free.
And there won't be anything that can stop me
From telling all of your Love and your Grace
And that at your Table,
There is always a place
To eat and to drink
From the fairest of fare
To breathe and to laugh
To enjoy and to see
It comes with a price
But really it's free-er than free."

~~~~~~~

Ever feel like there is a gag in your mouth? Like you have so much to say but you can't get it out?  I used to have dreams like that a lot.  I was trying to shout, asking for help, or trying to say something important--and I couldn't get anything out.

This piece of writing above actually came out of a dance I did a few years back for a creative conference.  Not only were my hands tied, but my feet were tied, my eyes were covered, and my mouth was gagged.  And there was also a person dressed in black continually tying me up...spewing at me every thing that kept me bound.  My only part in the process was whether I chose to believe that person or not.  As Truth came into the picture, you can see what happened.

Being tied up and gagged is a really horrible way to feel.

And, yet, I think most of us have felt this way from time to time.  In one way or another.

You have something to say, but something holds you back.  And so you spend years and years holding things in, not only the emotions and what you have to say, but also the attached resentment, bitterness, disappointment, and hope-deferred that comes along with not saying it.  And instead of feasting, you get by only through nibbling on the crumbs under the table.

Because, after all, it's not easy to eat a fancy steak dinner with a gag in your mouth.

Expecting that crumbs is all you get.

It seems that for some of us, it feels like we've been in quite the hovering cycle.  Around and around we go.  Getting a small breath of fresh air or a little bit to eat here or there, but nonetheless, still continuing to hover.

Fortunately, I have a feeling that's all about to change.  I've definitely walked through cycles where my gag decreased in it's grip around my mouth.  I was able to say more and get more to eat.

But the gag was still hanging in there.

And, yet, as we enter into this Christmas and into a New Year, I have a renewed sense of faith to Believe.  If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you might remember me referencing the number 11, as in 2011, as Biblically representing "transition".

And transition we did.

Do you want to know what the number 12 means? Perfection of government or otherwise put, a divinely constituted organization.  In laymen's terms, it means that the time of transition must have gotten us somewhere.  And, for us, that somewhere lies in 2012.

I understand that every new year has the hope of bringing something fresh and new...

But this year feels different. Doesn't it?

I know it feels different to the 30 people that we are praying for this Christmas.  They have messaged me prayer requests in which to believe out of sheer faith.  Some of these are big ones.  They involve a complete change in lifestyle, an absolute miracle, and/or a big leap into a land unknown.  They are banking on the fact that this past year of transition has prepared them for what is being divinely ordered in their path for 2012.

They are done eating small crumbs, and they have instead asked for the steak.

Gag out. They have something to say.  And they have something to ask for.

No longer believing that their inheritance is to hover but believing that they have something to gain, and they have something to give.

Because with feasting, comes sharing.

We're not tied up just for our own misery.  We break free from the ties for our own lives, but we also break free to give food to someone else.

And that's why we eat together at the dinner table.

Someone always needs to hear a story of Hope. As humans, we simply can't get enough of it. We were made for it.

So, as we make room in our hearts for that sweet babe to be born in us again this year, I pray not only for myself but for all of you...that we would receive the grace to say what we need to say, to ask for what He's calling us to ask, and to share with one another the process.

Let's feast!!