Moved....

Hey ya'll!

I've moved! Please check out my new blog at www.sarahhumphrey.com

While "Ex'posure" has treated me well, it was time for an upgrade. I hope you'll come follow along!

Cacooning

I'm pretty sure that every time I go through a big transition I think that my current transition is the biggest of my life.  And with each shift, I do think it's true.  Each transition is of greater magnitude than the last, and as they accumulate through the history of my life, I get to see a glimpse of the bigger picture.

In the midst of transition, sometimes it is hard to see.  I can lose vision. Most of the time it's easy to focus on the resistance and on the seemingly "no answers".  I start to calculate all of the ways that I can just push this transition through, as if my will is actually strong enough to break through this wall of layered steps calculated by the very Hand of God.

Sometimes He is gracious enough that He sends me a clue.  I latch on, and I feel a spark.  It's Hope.

And other times, He is gracious enough to teach me the language of faith.  This faith only becomes tangible as I let go of my need for certainty.  In certainty, I surely become bored.  And life becomes mundane.

Yet in the chaos of a faith-filled life, I somehow stretch through those layered steps and loosen the elasticity of the walls of my cacoon.

There is no formula, and there is no guarantee.  The only way I know is Up and Out.  The only thing I know is that the last layer no longer satisfies my hunger.  It's season has taken it's turn.  It no longer works.  And so I wait while I also attempt to move forward in a way in which I do not know.  And in a way in which I do not understand.

I love understanding.

I love knowledge.

I scoop it up whenever possible.  I love filling my mind with the richness of Truth and the discovery of unknown territory.

But when I come upon a season where knowledge can't seem to be found, I have to learn how to embrace the curve.

I wish I had a practical application of this.

Oh, do I wish I had a practical application of this.

I have no application, and the only illustration I can think of is Elaine on Seinfeld.....

when she's dancing like a dry heave. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

(The belly laugh helps.)

And so, in the midst of catching the curve, I let loose a little.  Of course, I can't let go all the way....  but I let go of the amount I can today.  And tomorrow that amount accumulates with another small seed of faith, and the next day another.

And before I know it, Spring has arrived.  And with it, I see the fruit of what my cold season bore.  When it's the end of January, all I typically want to do is skip February and get to March.

And yet, God decided to name February the month of Love.  And in it, He also gave me a baby girl (Ella Junebug's birthday!).  And so as much as I sometimes want to kick the cold weather to the curb, tell the gray skies to find someone else to bother, and try to hurry up the last days of winter in exchange for the fresh days of spring......I remind myself of what comes in the midst of Snow.

Fresh love and fresh life.

And they've been brewing for some time now.  Just waiting for their chance to break through the soil and meet sunshine for the first time.

I can hang on for a little while longer--even when I think I can't.

Patience is a virtue, and sometimes the most growth happens when I'm cold.  Even though I hate to admit it and even though it doesn't feel like it.

But isn't that faith?

I'm back to square one, I suppose.

Unanswered questions stretch my heart to be filled with unexpected surprises.......

My Ode to Subacute Thyroiditis

OMG.

I just had the craziest of December's in my entire life.  I make light of this situation because it wasn't life-threatening, but oh-my-gosh-it-felt-life-threatening-in-the-heat-of-the-moment.  Now that I have had some time to recover from my goiter of a neck and from my sky-rocketing heart rate, I can laugh a little bit.  Because laughing and retrospect thinking alway make situations seem better.

And so does gratitude.

I may not have been so grateful when I'd wake up at 3am with night sweats and what felt like a double ear infection, but during the moments I wasn't over-irritable or over-stimulated, I was able to rationalize what was happening in my present moment as a gift.

It's sometimes ironic how gifts come in not-so-neatly wrapped packages.  My subacute thyroiditis was one of these.

During the early fall, I kept feeling like Christmas was going to be a big breakthrough time for me. I was looking forward to Christmas, and I was excited to watch Ella really "get it" this year.  Not to mention, Lucy would be experiencing her first year of the blessed holiday.

To what seemed to be my detriment, after a few months of feeling a bit anxious for no apparent reason, I started having throat pain sometime in November. And as December approached, it only escalated.  With it came a racing heart, irritability, massive over-stimulation, nervousness, muscle weakness, and extreme fatigue.  By early December, I had to make a doctor's appointment because I didn't know what to do with myself.

I won't bore you with all the details of my results, but I will tell you that you don't ever want to get subacute thyroiditis. It is a living hell. I even got a goiter. And I had a fever for three weeks. And I was mean a lot. My thyroid had been over-producing for almost 6 months, and so I lost weight and was also a nervous wreck.

They aren't sure what causes this year-long thyroidic roller coaster ride though they guess it starts with an upper-respiratory infection. Apparently, it's very rare. (Leave it to me to pick some disease to get that is very rare!)  My only real consolation to this nemesis was Motrin for three weeks straight so that my neck would stop feeling like it was going to explode and my fever would be masked. 

I took the Motrin.

And I stopped drinking coffee. (That is a whole other story in itself).  You don't want to see a mom of two kids under 3 without a morning cup of coffee.  For a week, I was propelled into the woes of depression by my coffee detox--the small bit of comfort was that one cup of coffee. And exercise? Oh my gosh. You don't want to do cardio when you're heart rate is through the roof.

So, I sat still, and I tried not to yell at anyone.

It's a good thing I had/have taken a somewhat hiatus from social media because had I not, I would have surely been on your block list because I would have been ranting about something...all the time.

I have to say, though, that during this extreme amount of pain and inner-hyperactivity, I had more peace than I knew what to do with.  It was one of those God things.  Peace that passes all understanding.

Until I was able to get any concrete results about what was happening to my body, I of course googled everything under the sun relating to the thyroid.  And as I did, some horrible disorders came up.  And even in the midst of wondering if I might have some of those or a tumor or whatever, I knew that I knew that God was doing something.

Sometimes I find that when I get sick, He is actually purging me of all kinds of negative things in my body that I don't need.  Having a fever for three weeks made my body an oven for killing bacteria and a host of other unwanted entities. My immune system was telling something nasty to get the heck out of my body.  A detox of sorts.

And my whole 2012 was a detox. There were moments of clarity and freedom, and then I was surely onto the next thing to get rid of.  When I look back, I think it was wonderful.  Look at what God did for me! I feel so much better!  But in the moment, I wasn't always quite so fun to be around.  (I can admit when I need introvert time).

Before the subacute thyroiditis started in full force, I started taking time in silence.  I wanted to listen.  Not only to God but also to myself.  My body was already feeling a bit weak from delivering a babe, and I knew that in order to find peace and strength, I needed to listen.  And as soon as I learned how to get really quiet, my body started freaking out.

This is what I've been trying to tell myself? This is what You've been trying to tell me? 

Yes.

But I wasn't in a place to listen until this ripe moment in my history.

And as soon as it was ripe, my body was loud.  And mad. And getting rid of more junk.

And now it's starting to quiet down, and heal itself, and prepare for several months of slow down.  Instead of hyperactive, its moves to hypoactive for several months.  True Southern style. Hopefully with a side of sweet tea.

But for now, at least I can have my cup of coffee.

And I can relish in the fact that God did it again.

We hold so much junk in our cellular memories.  So much pain and unresolved goo.  And sometimes we won't choose to let go until we finally listen to what our body is telling us. Our spirits our speaking to us all the time.

When push comes to shove and we find ourselves in a corner, we see the hell we've been living in.  And then we give it up.

Why no thank you. I'd prefer not to live in that toxic pit of unforgiveness and drudgery.  Funny enough, I didn't even know that layer existed.

But He did.  And in His effort to un-turn everything that He can un-turn for me so that I can see not only the goodness of He but also the joy of Life, He lets me get triggered.

And He gives me room to struggle.  And He gives me room to argue.  To get angry.  To feel pain.  To inventory my decisions.  And to make room for reconciliation in my heart.

What a God.

Until next time (hopefully not subacute thyroiditis--though it rarely happens twice--even though it rarely happens once), I'll be seeing you all soon....

(P.S. I have missed blogging with all my book writing. I think I'll try to be back at it a bit now that I have the grunt work of my book finished! You all are always so fun to share with. :) )

Lots of love to you on this rainy Wednesday!

I'm living in Transformation City.

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  All my writing has been scribbles on notebook paper or keystrokes in Microsoft Word.

I've missed you all!

This book has somewhat taken over my life the last few months. It has been unreal--amazing--life-changing.  It's been brewing in my heart to write it for the last six years (at least consciously), and as I candidly put my pen to paper this past few months, I can't believe it is actually happening.

I write this particular blog about it because I want you to be INSPIRED.

Only God knows why and how my process has looked the way it has.  The timing of it all and the person that I've become up to this point is none other than a Kairos moment.  I've shuffled and read through all the journals over my entire life span, chronologically lining them up, highlighting pages and themes......and rants.

And joys.

I've organized them into themes. Have you ever looked back on the themes that hover over your life?

Some of them are wonderful themes, and some of them are not so wonderful....yet.

In that matter of a month, I made a conscious to decision to face each of these themes. Good or bad. Ugly or pretty. And in this process, I have written my book.

I've blocked out all residual noise in my life.  The sound of His voice in this place is much too sweet for any type of intrusion.  He's re-walking me through the joy of my very existence in these moments.  Picking up my broken pieces, celebrating days that got neglected, re-piecing my mind back to how He created it.  I have no other rational explanation for this miraculous journey except that after looking over my life, I can understand with a fervent certainty how much He cares for me. How much He cares for us.

My journal from 1989 when I wanted a new pair of boots.  He remembers.
My journal from 2002 when I was desperately realizing that I didn't want to be a "normal" person with a "normal" job.  He initiated that.
My journal from 2006 when I took the plunge and started to dance again even though I was scared stiff.  He was waiting for that moment.

I say all this to say that I haven't spent enough time honoring my life and honoring the story He has written of me.  We spend so much time on busyness, and doing, and noise.  We drown out His voice and what He wants to say to us.  I can't believe how long I've lived with so much noise in my head.  Noise is so distracting.  It wasn't until this process of practicing simplicity, living in silence, and listening to my own self that I could finally hear Him like never before.

He's wooed me with my book.  He loves that I love to write.  That's why He's having me write my story, Our story.  For you, it may be different. Maybe you like to do swim or take pictures or sing. Whatever it is, if you keep having that "thing" tug at you, that "thing" that just won't go away...or that you "thing" you always talk about doing (but in reality never start because you're too scared), please take the plunge.

Quiet yourself.
Turn off the noise.
And put it on your 2013 Bucket List!

If you're terrified to get started or to even speak your desire out loud, then please message me! I love secrets. :)

But whatever you do, give yourself a Gift, and take the first step. It may start out really tough and awkward and what-the-heck-am-I-doing, but I promise it turns out really, really fruitful and invaluable! Kinda like the Christmas Story.........

Speaking of, Merry Christmas! I love you all and am so thankful for your support on my writing journey......you have instilled confidence and courage into me when I've needed it most!



Xo--Sarah

(And P.S. If you're on Instagram, find me! I miss all the pics of your sweet kiddos!)

Unity.

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, to, and why." --James Thurber

I've had some time in my basement.  It didn't take very long before I could find peace in the Silence.

Here's what I know:  There are a lot of scared people right now. Scared for many reasons. Death, crime, and hatred are all growing at an intensely fast rate.  We just came off of an extremely close and controversial election.  We also battled over chicken a few months ago.  Plus we deal with our kids being bullied in school, with people losing their jobs, and with the fear of nuclear bombs as the Middle East continues to grow even more unsettling.  And just months ago, one of our very own Ambassadors was raped and killed on our country's property.

This is tense.

We are in turmoil. And I refuse to believe that it has to stay this way.  At the same time, I refuse to participate in a perpetual cycle of arguing and lack of productivity.  Practically speaking, we have choices to make when we feel like we are in a state of doom and gloom.  Situations will never go away and challenges will never stop coming toward us, but we do have a choice in our response.

Somehow, it seems, that in the course of the last several years, the younger generation has become quite political and passionate.  I think this generation desperately wants to make a difference.  I just hope that it's for the right reasons, and I say that with the utmost respect.

When we use our agenda or our voices to feel powerful in our lives, we have to understand what a risk that is.  If you say something because you're full of rage or because winning is your goal, I'm going to be bold enough to shoot it straight.  That is not noble behavior.  Nor is it leadership.

If you say something because you are attempting to bring clarity, to mediate, or to share what you ultimately think is best for a situation, then I applaud you.  It's a tough day in age to say anything these days.  We say we have freedom of speech in this country, and yet as soon as we open our mouths to speak, we are subjected to uninitiated attack--no matter how pure or unbiased our motive.

The importance of saying what we need to say never should be dulled down though.  It should also never be mocked.  This is America. Do we not understand what a privilege it is to have an opinion?  And do we not understand the lives that were sacrificed in order for us to be free?  Let's act like adults and steward the gifts we've been given well.  We don't receive gifts like freedom in order to use them against our own brother.  That is beyond insecure and selfish.

If we want to start moving forward, then we need to start by acknowledging the importance and value of each person in this country.  If we don't value one another, what is the point? Who cares if states want to leave? Let's just call it a day and separate. Who cares if our Ambassador is raped? He's just overseas getting paid too much anyway.  Who cares if our tremendous debt is passed onto our kids? They'll figure it out.

This is how we're acting.

And it is more terrifying than anything to me. It makes us a target for ruin.

But even though the situation is terrifying, I'm not backing down. I have a voice, and I will use it. My ancestors with were both Native Americans and Settlers. This is my country. I will not cowtow to unrighteousness behavior, or intimidation, or big government.  This is my stance.

If Jesus lives in me, then so do all of His attributes.  Wonderful. Counselor. Prince of Peace. Everlasting Father. King of Kings. Ruler of Everything.

These characteristics do not succumb to sarcasm, manipulation, fear, control, passive aggressive behavior, or anything like it.

Goodness reigns over insecurity any day.

I can speak my opinion in love and with respect to anyone who disagrees.  I am not in the business of demeaning anyone.  I am for the prosperity of EVERYONE regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, or religion. I will not, however, tolerate being mocked or degraded.  Especially on my own turf.

An Ambassador was raped and killed on his own soil. This is a travesty, and this is also a picture.

This is what we are doing to one another every single day when we hate and when we berate each other. How dare we.

It's time for us to grow up. Crisis is looming, and we need people in their big boy pants--not in diapers.

I honor our president.  I pray for him regularly.  I pray for his safety and for the Goodness of God to lovingly bless his life. So, even though I disagree with his policies, I have nothing but respect for who he has been created to be. And if I can stand here and say that with the purest of motives, then I know that my Life will prosper with peace in the midst of devastation or in the heights of success. I'm just hoping that others want the same, too.

I won't live by this world's way of doing things.

I'd rather be part of creating what we were designed for---life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Divided.

If the 2012 election showed me anything, it showed me this.  We are in a people in great pain.

Yes, pain.

Our unresolved issues of yester year are being thrust to the front in some sort of unproductive grasp to feel powerful and to take our voices back.  When I see posts where people are be-rating one another, I get sick to my stomach. When I see people take jabs or power plays with others, I get so sad.

We have no have idea how to communicate.

We have no idea how use our voices effectively. We have no idea who we are.

Please don't take this the wrong way because I absolutely love freedom of speech.  I love when people are passionate about what they believe.  I love when people express why they think what they think.  I even love when people who disagree with me post their opinions--as long as it's in a tasteful manner.  And, in addition, I love when people I agree with post their opinions--as long as it's in a tasteful manner.

We all have room to have a voice.  This is America, God Bless it.

Our propensity toward Civil War, though, is creeping its way into reality as we fight over our own pain.  Social media has created fake armies with unexperienced generals spouting off orders in cyberspace. A true leader can express his/her opinion without demeaning or judging the other side.  A true leader CAN disagree and can express emotion at the same time, but a leader also does this out of a heart of innocence and not out of a heart of revenge.

I've watched countless posts go through my status feed where people have shown their insecurity by posting statuses just to get a rise out of someone else.  I've also seen posts where people say something controversial just because they think that a firestorm makes them valid somehow.  I've seen relationships lost because of pain-inflated loss of character.  This makes me scared for us.

I realize that this topic of "politics" is nothing new (and it's not just politics, it's how in we engage in life).  Elections have been going on for hundreds of years now, but I think our unresolved pain has escalated.  In my personal experience, the only time I've felt the need to shout at someone is if I feel like I'm not being listened to.  The fact that I am not being listened to hurts my feelings because it seems to say that my voice isn't valid.  When I let that lie burrow it's way into my heart, I end up reacting out of it.  I then either stop using my voice all together (because I think no one cares) or I try to get my power back by using my voice loudly, sarcastically, harshly, etc.  Well, then, an election comes up.  Or the issue of abortion comes up.  Or the issue of gay marriage....and low and behold, I have an opinion. And when I'm still believing that burrowed lie, I'm going to use that voice that no one seemed to care about to get my point across.  And while I'm at it, I'm going to put down the people who disagree with me because I'm in so much unresolved pain from my hurt feelings twenty years ago that I need someone else to feel that, too.  Misery loves company. I hurt someone else because I am hurting inside.  It's a vicious cycle.  It's the cycle of abuse. Open any psychology book.

Does anyone else see this happening?

This is so ugly.

This is such childish behavior.

We are acting like illegitimate children.

God loves us.  ALL of us. We belong to Him.  Our voices were created out of love, and each of us are valid.  When we stoop to this type of behavior, we desecrate ourselves.  We desecrate our neighbor.

It doesn't matter at this point whether you are gay or straight, Muslim or Christian, Republican or Democrat; we aren't going to agree on this right now.  I care most about how we can achieve our best success as a community. Do I have thoughts or opinions? Absolutely.  But my "right" to an opinion is second in line to my hope for restoration.

We have to either learn how to communicate with one another, and by doing so, choose to be on the same team, or we need to prepare for a Civil War. It's our choice.

We are destroying ourselves. And our kids are watching.

At this point, the only place I can find Hope is in silence.  When all the other voices are wiped away, I can listen for the One Voice who gives Life. And my earnest desire is only to release real Life. I refuse to enter or proliferate the cycle of abuse.

Until that Voice reverberates through my entire being, I'm just going to have to go back into the basement....again.

And that's that......

Things I learned in Traffic School.

So, it's true. I got my first ticket. Ever. And, it's also true, that I wondered why in the heck the police officer wouldn't let me go with a warning.  I was driving my huh-knee's car (which speeds up a bit quicker), and I also was only going 10 miles over the posted speed limit in a speed trap where the limit changes from 55 to 45 without great notice. I miss one sign and blue lights start rotating.

As he read me my rights and my court options, I freaked out inside.  $280 for 10 miles over the speed limit? Do I look like the criminal type? I was trying to get home to nurse a screaming baby for cryin' out loud.  There was no one around--except for a cop in the bushes.  In fact, he followed me without lights on for like 4 miles before pulling me over.  Taunting me.

When I got to the BP station, that was that. I signed the yellow paper, pulled in the driveway, and said to David: "I just got a ticket, and I'm sick about it. Just sick about it."

(Insert drama)

Why is it that getting a ticket feels like the end of the world?

When I attended my court date, the Judge was very kind. He had a humorous personality, and then he made me pay a $44 fine (yes, 44!). He quickly gave me the choice of traffic school or paying the full ticket.  I chose traffic school.

As I sat in class with others, they told their stories of Anger Management class and their annoyance of bicyclers on the side of the road.  They also told horror stories of guns being pulled in front of their faces because they played the aggressive driver game with people who were riding their tail.

Let's just say, I might have put up a stubborn fight, but I'm pretty sure Traffic School saved my life before I ever put myself in danger.  Thank you, cop in the bushes and Judge Nations for saving me from ever making mistakes like people in my class shared.

And so, I wanted to pass along a few of the stories and lessons I learned in hopes that maybe it will be as enlightening to you as it was to me.  First off, you'll have to excuse me because I can't remember all of the exact statistics, but I am attempting to be as accurate as possible.  What I found most astonishing (and sometimes comical) was how Traffic School applied to life as we know it.  I live in metaphors.  Everything means something.

If driving a car is a metaphor for living your life, well you can just fill in the rest of the blanks with some of these stories/facts:

1. It is safer to smoke a joint of marijuana while driving than it is to talk on a cell phone while driving; this includes a BlueTooth. (This is not to advocate joint-smoking while driving.) This just says that driving a car while being distracted on a cell phone equivalently brings your blood concentration level down to the same as a drunk (with alcohol) driver.  Can you believe it? It's safer to be high while driving.  We're all driving around drunk with kids in the backseat and pedestrians walking and other people driving. Scary thought.

2. Even if you are wearing your seatbelt, if someone else is your car is NOT wearing a seatbelt, they will likely injure you if you're in a car accident.  The person who chooses not to wear a seatbelt is the person who flies around the car hitting people with the same impact as the initial car crash.  In Ireland, a group of four teenagers were traveling in a car. Three were wearing seatbelts and one wasn't.  The three were killed because the fourth teen's body collided with them over and over again as the car was struck multiple times.  It's like a loose cannon. It'd be really difficult to live with yourself if you kill all the people in your car who are actually following the rules. Wear a seatbelt.  If you're driving others in your car, make them wear a seatbelt.

3. Never engage with an aggressive driver AKA don't get into a power struggle with anyone.  If someone is riding your tail, pull over and let them pass if you can.  If someone flicks you off, turn the other cheek.  If someone wants to race, let them speed their little heart out.  It's safer if they're in front of you instead of behind you. I heard numerous stories of people fighting "back" in a power struggle, and the initial aggressive driver ended up pulling out a gun or starting a physical assault.  Winning is not worth it. Driving isn't a competition; it's a way for us to get from Point A to Point B. We all need to go places, but we don't have to fight about it.

4. On a similar note, personalize yourself with what other drivers may be going through.  They are not always trying to be aggressive even though it might look like it at first.  My teacher told the story of a woman who was being tailgated.  She got annoyed because she believed the person behind her was being a jerk, and so she did several break checks and slow downs.  After three or four cycles of this, the person behind her sped up quickly and passed her up.  As she connected eyes with the driver, she noticed that there was a person in the back seat who was performing CPR on a body.  Don't be stupid.  (Practical life advice here: You might think someone is on your tail because they're aggressive (they don't like you or because they want to cause trouble), but it might not be the case.  When we think we can judge a book by it's cover without truly knowing who someone is and we then engage in an un-initated power struggle with them, we could be risking someone's life.  For whatever reason, these kind of power-struggle initiators always want to drive slowly in front of me when I have a victim in my back seat.  I'm not sure if the blond hair throws them off, or if they just assume that I'm naive-- but Lawd Almighty. My biggest way to thwart dumb games in life threatening situations? Let go of the offense and remove myself from the situation.  I'm just gonna speed on up ahead of you, and save the person's life in the back seat (whether it's my own or someone else's).  I was a lifeguard in college; the signs of drowning are very obvious. I can't help myself but to jump in the water and get that person out before CPR is our only option, but we all need to be on the same team. I can't do my job if someone else is holding me up, and the other person can't do his future job if I'm holding offense against his unnoticed belligerence. If you can relate to this scenerio, you can read more about this personal soapbox here.

Just writing about those four examples is enough for me to chew on for the next several weeks.  We have been so irresponsible.  I have been irresponsible. If I don't want to white knuckle the dash board when my kids start driving, I'm going to enforce this stuff in my life NOW.  These are the kinds of small decisions we make in everyday life that will completely affect the generations behind us.  My kids learn how to drive by watching me drive.  I can only control the way my family does business, but if we choose to follow safe traffic guidelines then at least I know we'll have good reaction time if someone else isn't.  I'd rather be safe than dead.  I'll be looking both ways before driving through a green light, keeping 3 seconds from the car in front of me, and pulling over to let aggressive drivers pass me from now on.

Thank you, Traffic School.

Detox.

Nothing quite says deliverance like a bought of food poisoning.

I have only had food poisoning twice in my life. Once was less than a year ago. Something tells me that either food is getting worse these days, I'm getting way more sensitive, or both.

I'm hankering on both.

And in the hankering, I bargained with God.  You know what I'm talking about.  Head flung over the toilet, I started repenting for any possible sin that could have creeped into my life because for-the-love-of-God, I just wanted to stop throwing up.  Yeah, that kind.  It was awful. And my fever just finally broke a few hours ago.

The way I see it, God has me graciously shoved in a corner.  I had a dream several weeks ago.  I was driving on a huge bridge.  There was a truck in front of me, and there was a van in the lane to left of the truck.  Without looking, the van merged into the truck's lane.  The truck (being struck by the van) flew off the bridge, and I watched it catapult to what seemed would definitely be death.  All I remember when I woke up was hearing a voice that said, "Stay in your lane!!"

And immediately after that dream, my boundaries started to tighten up.  You know when you start to get angry because someone stepped in your space? Ah, yes. That. Anger in this regard isn't wrong, it just usually shows me that I need to re-evaluate some things.  I tried to think of practical ways to "stay in my lane". Where did I find myself most annoyed? And then it hit me.

The Facebook Status Feed.

I love Facebook. I LOVE that I get to see my friend's kiddos grow up. I love that I can pray for friends who are having a hard day and celebrate with others who are having a great day. I am a people person. And, yet, call me crazy...but somehow I've ended up with some insane "friends".  And, you know what, now they're now driving ME insane.  I get on the computer to see one of those funny Panda sneezing videos that will make me laugh, only to get bombarded by 50 statuses about politics, about a hundred more about chicken, and even more pictures that people took of themselves with their phone in the bathroom.  And I finally realized....I can't handle this.

I needed some alone time.

In the midst of all of the clutter in my status feed, I knew it was time to get my book on paper.  I kept being drawn to it--and then distracted by how annoyed I was at the last article someone posted about Monsanto's GMO's. And you know, there's nothing worse than a creative block caused by your own lack of self-control to step away from the crazies.  If I didn't get this book on paper, I was gonna die.  If I didn't stop hearing about how Obama made his own flag for his campaign, I was gonna die. So, I ditched my status feed until I could get some serious writing done (and until elections are over).

I have to say, it has been quite liberating. I don't think I've been annoyed at all in the last week.  And, I've written a chapter of my book. Touche!

I have a mama friend who once said that when you don't release what's inside of you, your body actually becomes toxic.  So true. This book has been brewing in my blood for the last six years (if not my whole life), and though I've taken many steps forward in it's progression, I finally got to the point where the preparation was complete. I have everything I need to write it.  Now, I just had to actually do it.  Kind of like a detox. You buy all your lemons and maple syrup and cayenne pepper, and then, you muster up the courage to take a drink. And it's time.

Not to mention, all the toxicity I absorbed from my status feed also had to get out. We like to think that that stuff doesn't make long term effects on us, but it does.  Every snide, ugly, angry remark gets programmed into my DNA.  And the only way for me to get it out was to turn it off.

Interestingly enough, as soon as I did this and then as soon as I wrote a chapter of my book, I started throwing up. Detox central.  My guess is that what I just experienced can only be compared to what it feels like to detox drugs. As my body shook and my head beaded with sweat, I often thought about people in rehab. Is this what that's like?  When we don't want to face our pain, we just numb it?  And at some point, if we want to really live, we have got to throw up?

So throw up I did.  There was nothing left in my body. Nothing.

In the process, I literally thought I might die. I had several flashes of myself in the hospital with IV bags.  Thankfully, it didn't get that far.

But you know what?

When my fever broke at 3am and when I woke up this morning, I felt like a brand new person.  I had all this joy because life really is good, and I didn't have to stay in stomach bug central.

Even though I would have preferred to detox a different way, this way definitely worked.  And my palate feels really, really clear.  I feel the creative energy to take more than baby steps now.  It feels more like full out flying.  And, for me, the first steps are always the hardest.  Now that those are pushed behind, I'm looking forward to what's coming.  You know it's gonna be good when it starts out like that.

No pain, no gain.

So, what's in your heart to do?  What is brewing that you really want to move forward into? What's distracting you?  What has become toxic?  Sometimes things that were life in one season become toxic in the next, and we are then faced with a choice. I tend to be the loyal type; it's sometimes hard for me to make those choices when it means stepping away from people or activities.  And yet, when I finally muster up the courage, it's always so much better.

All that to say, Happy Sunday!  I'm looking forward to eating something today.  Something that won't make me sick. :)

Alternative Solutions

In light of recent terrorist attacks on our Embassies and endless political rants everywhere, there seems to be a common thread when tragedy strikes or when someone we don't like may get elected or re-elected into the White House.  We get scared.  And it's obvious when we are scared--because we start to fight.  It's the fight or flight reflex.  Some people choose to go balls to the wall (yes, I said it), and yell at anyone who disagrees while also defaming the "other side".  And some people choose to just say nothing.

I personally don't think either side works long term. Anger or escaping may give us a sense of power in the moment, and sometimes both are needed.  However, if we want to change anything for the long haul, we need to use our voices.  I say "our voices" not in a snide "This-is-who-I-am" way, but in a "I-want-to-contribute-way".  We have not understood what it really looks like to have a powerful voice.  We've fallen prey to the Victim Mentality, and I seriously HATE the Victim Mentality.  It steals all that a child of God posesses or is on quest to posess.  When believed, it turns people who were created to be Champions into whiny, wimpy, complainers.  And then, it attracts even more devastation.  It's ugly and vicious and relentless...until we make a choice to stop it.

And that is what I'm proposing.

I'm tired of blocking people in my Facebook feed because they only choose to argue or dishonor one another in the name of "politics".  I'm also tired of having to cut people out of my life who cause drama or who make unkind decisions because of their lack of maturity.  Let's grow up.  Let's be a community, a real one.  Let's take a stand, and let's get back what we've lost.

Again, that doesn't mean fighting. Fighting is derived from a sense of powerlessness. We're better than that.  From what I can see in my little chair, there are several issues that seem to strike the politics cord more than others.  And by politics, I mean anything that strikes in us a fear to perform, people please, argue, rant, overcompensate, defame, or kill one another.  Jesus said if we hold evil toward our brother, we have killed in our heart.  We cannot fully blame Jihad terrorists when we do the same thing to one another.  We are just as guilty.  We desperately need to stop looking at this life in a temporary way but in an eternal way.  Life on Earth is not The End.  When we believe that it is, we give way to fear and unrighteous anger.  When we realize that we were ultimately made for what is BEYOND this, we can let go.  We can grieve and work through sadness until Joy starts busting down our walls. It is our choice; it is always our choice. It has always been our choice.

The world isn't going down the tubes because God doesn't love us, it's being shaken because He absolutely does love us.  We need to see things from His perspective.  We've created our own mess, and though thankfully we don't have to lay in it forever (if we so choose), we do have to take responsibility---and then receive the Grace to make things better.  He didn't die for nothing.  This isn't the End of the Story, it's just The Beginning.  Remember? He is the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.

I realize that some people say "Ok, fine, but I have no idea how to do that." Ok then.  Here are some small solutions to gaining power back into our lives.  If you want to bring Heaven on Earth, I have some Alternative Solutions--because utimately Love Wins ( I loved that book, by the way. Read it twice).

Let's start with the hot topic of the century, Life.

If you consider yourself pro-life and are saddened by the abortion debacle, here are a few ways I have found power in creating and bestowing Life in my midst.  I give my children a place of honor.  We don't just save a life from abortion, we steward that life well throughout his or her lifetime.  Find ways to watch your child flourish; it will indeed enhance your perspective on love.  We spend a lot of time dishonoring our kids by not listening to them, pushing them aside to do whatever it is we think is important, and not valuing who they are and what they have to contribute.  If that seems to be going well, consider adoption or foster care.  If adoption doesn't work in your current life situation, then consider giving to those who do.  I have handfuls of friends who have adopted or who foster kids; I can give you their address, and you can send them a check.  Many of them have used their own funds to buy back children from society's "unwanted pile".  If you don't have money but you have time, consider blessing a single mother.  I'm sure you can find one.  If you can't, let me know, because I know single mothers who are not only single, but they are also adopting kids.  Talk about making a difference. We are not powerless.  We are waiting to give birth to real Life.

While we are waiting, why don't we also take in those that have had abortions and regret it (instead of shoving it in their faces).  Abortion hurts not only the baby but also the mother.  Why don't we take the plank out of our own eye while we nurture the speck in our neighbor's eye.  That IS in the Bible.  If we choose to believe the Bible is true, well then, we choose to believe it is true.  Correct?  We don't get anywhere without nurturing one another through nurturing our selves.  Self-hate and hate for others has no place in Heaven, and we are creating Heaven on Earth.  I believe that those babies who didn't make it on this side of things aren't trying to punish their mother's for misunderstanding their worth--but are instead praying that they would get a chance to see how loved they are here and now. (The Kingdom of God belongs to children.)  If mothers could see that, abortion wouldn't happen in the first place.  It's all about the Victim Mentality.  There's a devil on every shoulder trying to convince us that we have no other choices.  Women to do have a choice.  We ALL have a choice. Life isn't just about women, it's about all of us.  We need to stop blaming each other and start helping each other.

If you're a man, and you don't know how you could possibly speak into the life of a recovering victim of abortion, then perhaps you could find a Big Brothers Club.  I bet there are a ton of kids who would love a Fathering role model.  One game of basketball a week could mean turning a child into a president instead of a drug pusher.

I could go on and on with lists of alternative solutions to just this one topic (which I believe is the start of everything), but I'm sure you can think of some of your own.  Ultimately, though, my heart grieves for the fact that we've turned our lives into arguing with one another when it's never really about us.  We fight not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities in dark places (another Bible verse). Let's hate what needs to be hated, the destruction of the beauty of God's creation.  Let's love one another.

If we want to be angry, then let's make our anger legitimate. We are not victims, we are children of God.  All of us.

And when we understand that, we can steward Life.

Our Greatest Creations

We've already gone over the Boathouse "Rules" for a lack of better terminology, but I still can't sleep at night.  And neither can Lucy...which means that there is still more to uncover.  And as kids usually do, I guess we all need to start seeing and telling the Truth a little more. Yet again, my applause goes out to Ella Junebug for starting this whole sequence of blogs, and I give thanks for my Lucy Joy for picking up the baton for the next few rounds.

And credit they deserve---because this blog is about them.

If we're going to be a family and if we're going to respect our elders, then we need also love and nurture our kids. In addition to caring for them, it'd also be extremely wise if we started to listen to what they are saying.  These little prophets have much more to say than "goo goo" and "gaa gaa". In fact, most of the time when we think they're not being "obedient", they're really revealing to us what we're too busy and distracted to hear.  For example, let's take Lucy's sleep schedule. We've been working on developing her nap routine during the day. If I stray from this nap routine, she ends up being cranky and fussy. And then what happens? I get cranky and fussy.

Until I sit and listen to what she is telling me.

What she's saying is she needs some real Rest. And don't we all.

So instead of forcing my child into my over-scheduled day, I slow down. She has just taught her Mama a lesson. And instead of being offended because I didn't "know it all", I decide to suck up that delicious scoop of grace right now. Thank you, Lucy, for teaching me how to Live. I'm sorry for accidentally dragging you down to this world's way of doing things.

It's a picture that we desperately need to see for the love of our children and for the Hope of a future. Our kids don't need any more debt stacked up against them. To be quite frank (and perhaps so "over dramatic"), there isn't time for our kids to be digging themselves out of the holes we've made for them. They are worth more than that, and so are we. Oh, if we could humble ourselves and apologize to our kids every so often, this world would be in a better place. We need present fathers and rested mothers. Present Father's express love and wise discipline, rested Mother's nurture hearts and create life.

It has been my greatest pleasure in this Life to co-create two lives with the love of my life--and then have the privilege of stewarding their giftedness.  And that's exactly what they are, a gift. On loan, sent from Heaven. When I have to "teach" Ella to obey, it doesn't as much reflect her character as it does mine. What is she saying to me? About 90% of the time, her reactions are the result of my behavior. Am I stewarding her Life well by choosing to Live mine? It's definitely worth a glance. Kids are mimics and responders. They either react out of Love or out of Rebellion.

Somehow we've seemed to blame this entitled generation for their rebellion and yet haven't taken into account that they have never been shown any other way.  We over-schedule them, over-immunize them, take them to fifteen extra-curricular activities, then we make them take standarized tests so we can compare them with one another. What have we done? We've turned them into celebrities instead of into artists, and we've given them permission to be politicians instead of understanding the role of government.  Instead of complaining that our children have no role models on TV or in the White House, we need to look at the man in the mirror. The world doesn't have to go to hell in a handbasket.  Why not start the change in us? Let's give our kids the opportunity to be kids.

And while we're at it, let's teach them how to pray for those in high places that haven't gotten a childhood. The Lindsay Lohan's and the Barack Obama's. If you don't agree with their lifestyle choices, fine. I don't agree with all of them either. And we don't have to, but let's just remember that they are part of the fatherless club.  And no one deserves that.  We can either bridge the gap, or we can make a canyon. It's our choice. Let's teach our children to do right by the lives we live.   Let's give them a chance to be history makers because we took a good look at our own deficits.

Let's listen to what they're saying...because they're a lot smarter than we may think.  We aren't parents  primarily because kids need to learn how to obey, we're parents so we can access unseen grace for our own lives, and we can then joyfully steward the unique expressions of Love within them.

Thank you Ella Junebug and Lucy Joy.  I am forever transforming by your Love offering of Grace...

Family Matters.

"Did I do thaaaaaaat?" One of my favorite characters ever. With one small swoop of innocence, all that anger, hostility, impatience, and frustration that Carl held onto got sent right to disaster.  But you know what? Carl ended up turning out better afterwards. More loving and caring and kind.

So...

Now that we've talked about our boat, we need to talk about Family. Because you see, if we're all going to live on this boat together.....well, we need to get along.  And first off, getting along does not mean we need to always like each other.  It does, however, mean that we need to love each other.

When a lot of people are crammed into a small space, it's pretty easy to find out where one's boundaries are.  When I start getting agitated, exhausted, or irritable, it's time for some space. I go get some air on deck, or I go do something to get rid of the negative energy.  The last thing I want to do is stay in the place I'm irritated, unless I want to eat humble pie later.  No thanks. Been there, done that.

So, here are the basic Ark Rules:

Observation One: The Trinity. He/She/ They're the Boss.

Reminder Number Two: Don't be trying to turn that Trinity into anything else. Particularly something you WANT them to be.  That's how we got on this boat in the first place, remember?

Third piece of Ark Advice: Do you remember the story of Moses and The Burning Bush?  Moses had to look aside, take off his sandles, and worship.  God then revealed to Moses that He was "I AM". I AM.......everything. There is one Provider on this boat, and like Observation One says, He's the boss. Don't take it for granted by trying to save yourself. It won't work, and you'll eat the humble pie AGAIN. Accept the free gift, and just say thanks.

Fourth rule of the Ark: Please Rest. We don't need anyone overworked and underpaid. We are in close quarters.  Your grumpiness affects the rest of us. If you can't rest, then feel free to go swimming for awhile.  A Sabbath was created on purpose. It's not only for our pleasure, but for our sanity (and everyone else's!).

Fifth boat rule, be nice to your mom and dad.  If your mom and dad are on this boat, then they helped pave the way.  Don't take all the credit thinking you got in this boat by yourself.  People laid down their very lives for us to be able to turn a piece of wood into a sailing ship.  Respect your elders.

Sixth suggestion for the Swimming Sea: Before you say something, think.  Before you lose your temper, take a breath.  Don't say or do anything stupid that you'll regret later. Do we have to talk about humble pie again? We all have to live on this boat together, so let's find a way to build one another up not tear one another down.  If you have a problem with a person, please remember that said person has a story, too.  Let's be honest. We all act nutty sometimes because we've been hurt, rejected, abandoned, etc. So, in order to be responsible Ark citizens, let us each take time to question why we are really angry.  After doing so, it might be good to ask the offensive person a question about what you're feeling instead of throw out a "You" statement. Ya know, "You did this to me, You did that to me, You're so blah blah blah." Because let's just be honest, that NEVER works. No throwing stones. No killing each other.

Seventh Ark idea: Don't be looking at or stealing anybody else's lover. This boat calls for monogamy. If you don't like your mate, you better go back to Observation One. (Is anyone catching on yet?)

Eighth rule of Boat Business: Don't take anything that ain't yours.  If someone has something you want or you think you need, perhaps ask them how they might have worked so hard to get it.  If they received it as a gift, thank God that there are still generous people in this boat-making time in history.  But whatever you do, don't take it. It's not yours. It's theirs.  If they want to give it to you out the the graciousness in their hearts, then be thankful, and look for how you can do the same for someone else later.

Ninth Ark Initiative: Don't be spreading rumors. We've each worked hard for the lives we live.  If you don't like the way another person is living, don't you dare say something to make fun of, harass, or defame them.  Remember? Revenge never wins. Love never fails.  Love covers a multitude of sins.  On the Ark, we stick up for people who are being unjustly slandered.  And if someone is doing wrong, we help them do right.  If we can't help them do right, then we keep our mouths shut, and we let someone else help them do right.  But don't put your brother's sins on display, and stand up for those who are being falsely accused.

Tenth Boat Bullet: There is no room for jealousy, control, manipulation, or anything like it.  If you find that you are in any way offended by someone on the boat--whether because they have hurt you or because you are just envious of what they have--it is best to just to sit on down.  After you take a seat, it's good to go back to Rule #6.  We already covered intentional offenses. Now, let's cover jealously.  Because Lawd knows jealousy in the church is rampant. We've got a lot of people fighting for spotlight.  Suffering servants? Haven't seen many of those.  What I do know, though, is that Suffering Servants end up Ressurrecting from the Dead.  And when they do, the ones who have not yet lived can come out with claws. And it ain't pretty. Ever been in the high school cafeteria when two of those rough girls got into a cat fight? I have. Scared the poop out of me. If someone is favored, bless them.  They paid a price for it.  And I'll say it again, if someone is favored, bless them. If you have any inkling of jealousy or you think you know better then said favored person, don't open yo' mouth to try to pray them better. You know what's worse than a black witch stirring up soup in a huge cauldron? Jealous Christians trying to "fix", upstage,  or pray for one another out of their own insecurity.  I have a headache just thinking about it. We've gotta live on this boat together.  Bless the ones who are leading or who may be taking a different cabin assignment than you. If you're gonna be jealous, then be jealous all the way to Jesus. He's the one who made them that way anyway.


Wow. I feel better. Did anyone else just hear God telling Moses the Ten Commandments with a slight Southern drawl?



Happy Travels. May we be the Family God intended us to be........

Gone Fishin'.

I'm feeling a little bit straight-forward this morning, so straight-forward I shall be.

I haven't written a "new" blog in quite awhile.  God has actually been taking me back to blogs that I have already written and re-directing me from there.  He says so slyly, "Hey Sarah, remember that?" And then after re-reading what I wrote, I surprisingly say "Well, yes, I do!" Isn't it interesting how our lives go through phases and cycles?

Sometimes we're like onions, He shows us one layer at a time.

And, well, all I have to say is that this layer has been a doozy.  Or maybe I should say layers.  The last few months have been a little bit bipolar.  One day I find myself climbing up a mountain, the next day I'm at the top.  The following day I'm at the bottom of another mountain, and the next day I'm at the top.  It's the Acceleration of God. The Bride is making herself ready.

And the rest of the world, well, seems to be going to hell in a handbasket.

It's hauntingly beautiful.  This dance we dance. Throwing off what shackles us and grabbing hold of what lays before us. Freedom. Life. Heaven on Earth.

Now some may say I'm over-dramatic.  And, yes, I do love the theatre. In fact, I LOVE the theatre.  But, no, I'm not being over-dramatic.  The way I see it, if I believe the Bible is true, well...then I believe the Bible is true.  And though I do know that the Bible has been interpreted incorrectly often, I also know that when it is read through the lens of Love, it is absolutely liberating.

And thus leads to me to being straightforward.  And, as per usual, I would like to give credit to my sweet little prophet of daughter, Ella Junebug, for leading the way. (A child will lead them. Isaiah 11:6)

You see, the girls and I have been watching Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue.  And, Ella, is very passionate when it comes to her favorite lines; One of which is "We're gonna build a boat!" I highlight this in BOLD because this line is shouted in our house, followed by the loudest and sweetest giggles you've ever heard. But you know what? She's onto something...

Ella has been very interested in boats the last year or so. She's taking a liking to that Noah guy--and "bainbows". Her sensitive spirit is so eager to hear what God is saying, and that's often why He chooses to speak to her.  There is no striving or fasting or lamenting, she just hops right into the heart of God. She knows how to Rest.  She knows whose kid she is.  And you know what? She has a Daddy who loves her, and dotes on her, and provides for her.

Unfortunately, many in our world don't know this kind of relationship with their Father. I won't even go into the statistics of how many fatherless kids there are in our country and how many single moms are exhausted and forced into heavy-labor. Just look at the entitlement and the rebellion of the younger generation.  It proves what I'm saying.

And even more so, without present fathers and without rested mothers, there is no place for our kids to be nurtured.  We need to understand this.

And, so, we need to build a boat.

God tells Noah "Build a boat. Save you and your family.  A Flood is coming." Noah looks at God like "Who? Me???"

"Yes, you."

Now I know that those of us who have been burned by bad churchy religion might say that God is punishing us because, well, He is mean.  And that's what mean God's do. That's what mean Dad's do.  And, yet, those of us who have the had the lifechanging experience of accepting the loving discipline of Dad know differently.  It's His kindness that leads us to repentance.  We obey because we are safe within His laws.  Floods come because we have chosen to make our own laws--and we make our own laws because we don't know the goodness of Father.

It's an ugly cycle.  I don't know that I am fully accepted, and so I "sin". I control, I manipulate, I get jealous, I get angry, and I get even.  And where does this lead? FLOOD.

On the contrary, the Bible is full of promises.  Instead, it looks something like this.  I was created fully accepted, I got confused, I messed up, I receive God's kindness through grace, I take responsibility, and I hop on that dang boat! And while I get ready to sail on the high seas, I start looking for anyone who might want to come with me....and I invite them in.

Society has it backwards.  We don't invite people in by our rage, or our control, or our pilthy statements about politics on Facebook.  If you're building a boat, you don't play politics.  You play Love.  It doesn't mean you don't have an opinion.  It doesn't mean you don't say what you think.  Please, by all means, say something.  We don't need our greatest Voices hiding in the bushes---but what we do need is leaders who are building boats, not leaders who are trying to get even.



Revenge never wins.  Love never fails.



And so............I have resolved that....


"We're gonna build a boat!"



(To be continued....)

Creative Intercession.

Ever since I lived in Arizona, my life shifted.

That's what happens when He allures you to the desert.

Arizona was a restoration place for my soul. I had an amazing group of soulmates there (some of which now live in Tennessee, too!), and I re-claimed a part of my life that had disappeared somewhere.

It was the creative part...the part that thrived on color, and curiosity, and the thrill of a good work of art.

My love for creativity never vanished, but the part of me that was creative as a lifestyle did.  I blame a lot of it on the pressures of having a "real" life, some of it on a lack of knowledge that I could actually be an artist as a career, and some more of it on a self-imposed expectation to perform in a certain way.  Sounds like a good time, doesn't it?

When I made it across the country to Sun Devil stadium, it was time to exorcise some demons! I needed full out deliverance from anxiety, boredom, and exhaustion. (It's funny how those can all exist at the same time, but they can!) With the help of my soulmates, I got back in touch with some of those inner parts, and I watched those gremlins run. 

Isn't it funny? All I needed to do was move toward who I was created to be, and life got better. Joy was more real. More tangible. I started to feel lighter. I began to metamorphasize...

Since that time in Arizona, I decided never to go backward. I wasn't going to live a status quo life; it was miserable. I took some time off from regular "working", and I started to re-connect with myself.  And with God.

And that's when life started to get really good...

I was engrossed in creativity that I had longed for but had never tried--and also some that I had given up and desperately missed.  It was a beautiful, chaotic hurricane.

I felt emotions that had been stuffed for years. I had pages of journal entries where I released years of confusion and joy and anger and sadness and passion (and cuss words).  And somehow, after two years of being in a desert, I moved to the ocean--the Alabama coast. It has the brightest of blue water, and whitest of soft sand.  And, still, another layer of gremlins released their grip.  I bathed in the sea salt and the aromas of rest. Of vacation. Of another layer of new-found freedom that was just waiting for my agreement.

Now, over five years later, I look back and see how I've ensued this pattern of desert to beach several more times.  Each layer exposing areas where I've held unbelief, or unresolved grief, or anger, or or or. God is so kind like that.  So many times we think that He is "teaching us a lesson" when bad things happen or when we are in a desert, but really He is just manuevering us to a place where we can see Him.  Because when we see Him, things change. Even bad things.

Sometimes I feel like I have the heart of an 80 year old. I look back at my short 30 years on planet Earth and have seen a Life unfold.  A real Life.  Some people have a mid-life crisis in their forties or fifties. For me, I was 24. It wasn't until I moved to the desert in the natural that I realized I'd been living in a spiritual desert for years...caught up in do's and don'ts, rights and wrongs, sacred and secular. And somehow, after a purging of all of these things that I thought I "should" be started to go away, the desert became one of my most favorite places. It was my place of release.


Because soon after the desert, I moved to the ocean.


The Alabama gulf coast is one of the sweet secrets of the United States. The ocean water cleansed my wounds, and the salty sand purified my walk.  No longer bound by the infections of bitterness and performance, He gave me the grace to start believing who He is in the midst of pain and the unknown.  And because of a resolve in my spirit to agree that He is in fact who He says He is, I was persuaded to say Yes to His ongoing invitation to understand just how wonderful "It is finished" actually is.

My road to get to this place has been creativity.  Turning a chaotic mess into something beautiful.  Partnering with God to make something extraordinary out of color and oil and movement and words. People have asked me how I find the time to pursue my creative passions while having a family to raise and a dog to clean up after.  My thought is, how do I not? If I don't, I die.  I go back to barrenness. With each step of creativity, a new layer of Life is birthed.  Creativity is how I pray.  It's how I wrestle with God.  It's how I sit in peace. It's how I nurture my spirit.  If I don't create, I cease to breathe.

Creativity is my gap-filler. It's not an end. He is. But it is my means to The End, and it is my overflow of The Beginning. He is both....the Alpha and the Omega, The Beginning and The End. The only God in whom Fullness is found.

And somehow in that shift of moving toward The End and overflowing from The Beginning, I experience Heaven. And I get the amazing privilege of bringing it to Earth. If we want to talk about purpose, we can find it here. I have found not one thing more satisfying. He is the Creator, and we have been made in His image. And no matter if we have seasons in the desert or at the ocean, we can find a Home in creating with Him.

As He created us in our mother's womb, all our days were ordained and written in His book. How precious are His thoughts toward us...(Psalm 139). 

What a beautiful Life we get to Live...

Happy Sabbath.

Faith ReMix.

My friend asked me to write a blog on fear to follow up after my thoughts on shame.  Well, I decided to do something even better than write about fear. I decided to write about faith.

Yes, faith. It's such a controversial topic really. Faith? Controversial? Yes. The definition of faith has definitely warred in my soul. Hasn't it warred in yours?

I think for many of us, fear and faith have been the exact same thing. We have "faith", but it's fear based--it's performance based.  It's the kind of "faith" a lot of us have been taught...unfortunately.  It's the kind that strikes up a little kick in the tush that says "If you want to see God come through the way you hope, you better do enough, pray enough, fast enough, obey enough, please God enough...enough...enough...enough." It causes us to push and grunt and strain and "contend" for something He's-already-done.

Ohhhhh boy.

You mean conjuring up faith isn't really faith at all?

Nope.

It's fear.

I tell you this because boy oh boy have I had it backwards a time or two (or twenty).  And boy oh boy am I watching a lot of people ask for a hernia.  Who voluntarily asks for a hernia? Nobody.

Nobody in her right mind anyway.

So, that's why I started thinking differently. I was tired. Exhausted. Desperate. Didn't even have the least bit of energy to conjur up anything (except a bad attitude--because all that contending made me irritated).  Not to mention, it was getting me nowhere. Except for running around in circles. It definitely got me there.

And so...it was at the point of my desperation where God gently said "Hey Sarah--whatcha doing?"

(When God asks you a question like this, you can be pretty sure that He already knows the answer. It's kind of like: "Adam? Where are you? Hiding in the Garden because you're naked?")

It wasn't until I heard Him ask me this question that I realized how crazy I was.  Albert Einstein said that the definition of Insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results." Guilty as charged.

So then He said, "Ok. Good. Now that we've got that squared away, how's about we move forward?"

"Yes, please."

And that's when it all changed.

He started pulling me out of this activity and that activity.  He started giving me some space to be alone with all my idiosyncracies and weaknesses and seemingly shortcomings. He asked me to start getting comfortable with my creativity so I could productively release all those excess emotions. And then, when I wasn't distracted by this person asking me to do this and that person asking me to do that and myself asking myself to do x and y and z-----I started to hear His voice.  And you know what He said?


"I love you just the way you are. And you know what? You're so awesome."

Enter Faith from Stage Left.

There's something about when the God of the Universe says "I see you" that is overwhelmingly accepting and believable. No need to conjur up anything.  At this point, it's a miracle if you can still stand up.

And then you know what?

Everything else shifts.


Mountains move. Hearts get healed. Disease disappears. Love Reigns.


And from that moment on, you don't even remember what you were praying for or trying to conjur up in the moment.  You're too busy being overflowed with ecstacy. And joy.

And you're looking for the next person to unleash it on.

"Who wants some of this? I'm giving out free stuff!"

And person after person starts knocking on your door. This is favor.  This is God.

This is the Kingdom He's always talking about.  Upside down.  He comes to the brokenhearted and the crippled first. Those who are desperate.  Hungry for love.

The Mary Magdalene's. The prostitutes and tax collectors.

He's not interested in performing for Pharisees. He likes hanging out with the ones who know they ain't got it all together. In fact, they have nothing together. That's why they need a God.

That's why they need a cross--because no one can fulfill the 10 Commandments on her own.  We might as well let Jesus do it--and then just receive what He's done.  It will make obeying them a lot easier--because we won't even be thinking twice about it.  We'll be too caught up in the joy of His eyes.


Drunk on Love.

There's a reason His first miracle was turning water into wine.  Because Jesus, contrary to public belief, knows a good party.  He's all about weddings.  And celebration. He's all about Covenant.


(He doesn't do prenuptial agreements--because He's not thinking about divorcing anyone.)


He's busy getting ready to see His bride.  That's what the Bible says.  And I believe it. Because I've been looking into those Eyes. Those piercing eyes.  They are just as desperate for me to understand as I have been desperate to know.  It's all been on purpose.

To get me here. Faith.

Faith erases fear. Eradicates fear. Fear isn't even worth talking about.....

because He's got other plans.

Good ones. Plans of peace and not of evil, plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. (Jer. 29:11)

Heaven on Earth. Heaven in the Now.

Happy Father's Day, Abba. Today, we celebrate You. You're the best Dad I know.

Shame....shame...I know you're name...

And I'm not scared of you.

I've been thinking about the topic of "shame" quite a bit the last few weeks.  You know shame, right? It likes to creep its way into almost any experience for any woman.  It's more clingy than Saran Wrap coming out of the roll and more suffocating than most other types of fear combined.  It can almost be described as an umbrella to the lies of the enemy.  It tries to carefully and cleverly package anything creative or vulnerable or valuable that could be attempting to be birthed within us.  After it ties a ribbon (or gag) so tightly around the gift inside, you can rarely get it open without scissors.  And what fun is a present that you can't get open?

Not much fun at all.

I've noticed in my few short years of living in "recovery" (AKA "truly believing how God feels about me") that shame just can't wait to rear its ugly head when something really good is about to happen--when God is about to flood my heart like a river. Because you know shame's main purpose? To scare me out of receiving Him.  It wants to keep me held back from freedom.  Most of the endeavors in my life that have turned out to be the most fruitful and satisfying were completely wrapped in shame before God so graciously helped me start to birth them.  Shame did its best to steal not only my identity, but also my gifts, by asking me questions that sounded like...

"Who do you think you are?"

"Do you really think you can do that?"

"What makes you so special?"

Or it flat out lied to me like...

"You're not enough."

"You're too much."

"Just be quiet."

"I can't believe you said that, did that, danced that, wrote that, etc."

And let's not forget the ever so clever "Your dreams won't come true. Your situation will never change. Don't bother." Hopelessness, Party of One, your table is ready.

For women, it also likes to force its way into friendships.  It keeps us from sharing our hearts, our emotions, our true feelings, our real life stories. It keeps us isolated from one another.  It keeps us quiet.  It's easier to say nothing at all and be miserable inside--than to say something and possibly be rejected.  Or so shame says. It's partner in crime is often Comparison.  And one of my favorite reminders about comparison is this:

"Comparison is the thief of Joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

Once I start comparing myself to another woman, the door has been opened for shame to take a seat.  And then it starts in with accusations like: "Wow, you're not as smart, confident, pretty, talented, etc. as her. Perhaps you should just back it up, sister." It's gagging that gift again.

What I've found most successful in my battle against shame has actually been walking through the desert. In Hosea 2:14, God says "But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." During this desert time(s), my spirit has been desperate for a drink of water.  I decided that if I didn't start taking some creative risks or relational risks that I was going to die inside.  In fact, I was already dying inside--because I didn't know who I was in Him.  As I so fragilely opened myself up to the vulnerability of God, I was transformed. As I moved toward the things that I wanted the most and also feared the most, I came alive.  If it was a creative endeavor, I decided to stop thinking about it and actually try it.  If it was a relationship, I asked that person to get coffee.  I decided that I wasn't going to let shame stop me from living, and so I went out on a limb first.  No matter how small or insignificant it seemed. The desert saved my life; desperation saved my life.

What became of those small steps of faith are deep and lasting friendships, joy, dreams fulfilled, and most importantly--strong pillars in my identity as a child of God.  It didn't mean that all the attempts at freedom turned out successful right away, but what it did mean was that I was moving forward.  

No longer allowing myself to be held in by the umbrella.  

It, in turn, gave me the opportunity to feel many emotions that I had stuffed or hidden deep inside, and it also invited me to process the experiences of my life--whether good or bad. It was not always easy and still isn't, but God was always faithful. And still is.

And once I went through one door, it was much easier to go through another door.  And another door.  And another door.

And you know what? I can still struggle with it sometimes--- but it has stop ruling my life.  In fact, I now find it almost fun to push the boundaries of my insecurities. Deeper and Deeper into Acceptance I go. Constantly receiving the grace to believe the beauty of my Father's love for me...celebrating the unique way in which He delicately and deliberately created me. 

And you.

So, with that, I'll leave with you a few thoughts/questions to ponder as we process the way shame has played a part in our journeys...

How often do you hear the questions or thoughts above in your mind? Spend a day intentionally paying attention to how you react to yourself in normal everyday activities. When you hear one of the lies, stop what you're doing and recognize how you're feeling. It can be as big as giving a presentation for work or as small as a comment you make on Facebook. Shame won't discriminate. It likes to show up anywhere. Brene Brown, an author and speaker, often says she knows she's in the shame cycle when her heart beats fast and she starts saying things to herself like "Why did you do that? What were you thinking?". The first step to change is recognizing where shame likes to creep in. Can you notice a specific pattern in your life?

Where can you take a practical step forward in a creative endeavor or area of passion that you've always wanted to try but have been scared to? If you want to run a marathon, buy a pair of shoes. If you want to dance, find a studio. If you want to paint, put on some music and try it. Make a list of things you'd like to pursue. Share it with someone. And then, try them! (And do not judge yourself in the process!)

How can you take a step forward relationally? Is there a person you'd really like to get to know but are afraid that she wouldn't be interested in hanging out with you? Ask her. Or is there something you are really struggling with but are afraid to share? Find a safe friend, and let it out. Women love to know one another and to be known; it's in our DNA! Pursue a friend.

And--as women with a high calling--let's be actively aware of opportunities to celebrate one another and to be advocates for one another! Let's be great listeners and trusted friends. Let's be encouraging to one another in each of our unique personalities and giftings and character, pulling greatness out of each other's lives. I think we will find that we are surrounded by a wealth of hidden beauty and gifts that are eagerly waiting to be opened.