Moved....

Hey ya'll!

I've moved! Please check out my new blog at www.sarahhumphrey.com

While "Ex'posure" has treated me well, it was time for an upgrade. I hope you'll come follow along!

Cacooning

I'm pretty sure that every time I go through a big transition I think that my current transition is the biggest of my life.  And with each shift, I do think it's true.  Each transition is of greater magnitude than the last, and as they accumulate through the history of my life, I get to see a glimpse of the bigger picture.

In the midst of transition, sometimes it is hard to see.  I can lose vision. Most of the time it's easy to focus on the resistance and on the seemingly "no answers".  I start to calculate all of the ways that I can just push this transition through, as if my will is actually strong enough to break through this wall of layered steps calculated by the very Hand of God.

Sometimes He is gracious enough that He sends me a clue.  I latch on, and I feel a spark.  It's Hope.

And other times, He is gracious enough to teach me the language of faith.  This faith only becomes tangible as I let go of my need for certainty.  In certainty, I surely become bored.  And life becomes mundane.

Yet in the chaos of a faith-filled life, I somehow stretch through those layered steps and loosen the elasticity of the walls of my cacoon.

There is no formula, and there is no guarantee.  The only way I know is Up and Out.  The only thing I know is that the last layer no longer satisfies my hunger.  It's season has taken it's turn.  It no longer works.  And so I wait while I also attempt to move forward in a way in which I do not know.  And in a way in which I do not understand.

I love understanding.

I love knowledge.

I scoop it up whenever possible.  I love filling my mind with the richness of Truth and the discovery of unknown territory.

But when I come upon a season where knowledge can't seem to be found, I have to learn how to embrace the curve.

I wish I had a practical application of this.

Oh, do I wish I had a practical application of this.

I have no application, and the only illustration I can think of is Elaine on Seinfeld.....

when she's dancing like a dry heave. Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

(The belly laugh helps.)

And so, in the midst of catching the curve, I let loose a little.  Of course, I can't let go all the way....  but I let go of the amount I can today.  And tomorrow that amount accumulates with another small seed of faith, and the next day another.

And before I know it, Spring has arrived.  And with it, I see the fruit of what my cold season bore.  When it's the end of January, all I typically want to do is skip February and get to March.

And yet, God decided to name February the month of Love.  And in it, He also gave me a baby girl (Ella Junebug's birthday!).  And so as much as I sometimes want to kick the cold weather to the curb, tell the gray skies to find someone else to bother, and try to hurry up the last days of winter in exchange for the fresh days of spring......I remind myself of what comes in the midst of Snow.

Fresh love and fresh life.

And they've been brewing for some time now.  Just waiting for their chance to break through the soil and meet sunshine for the first time.

I can hang on for a little while longer--even when I think I can't.

Patience is a virtue, and sometimes the most growth happens when I'm cold.  Even though I hate to admit it and even though it doesn't feel like it.

But isn't that faith?

I'm back to square one, I suppose.

Unanswered questions stretch my heart to be filled with unexpected surprises.......

My Ode to Subacute Thyroiditis

OMG.

I just had the craziest of December's in my entire life.  I make light of this situation because it wasn't life-threatening, but oh-my-gosh-it-felt-life-threatening-in-the-heat-of-the-moment.  Now that I have had some time to recover from my goiter of a neck and from my sky-rocketing heart rate, I can laugh a little bit.  Because laughing and retrospect thinking alway make situations seem better.

And so does gratitude.

I may not have been so grateful when I'd wake up at 3am with night sweats and what felt like a double ear infection, but during the moments I wasn't over-irritable or over-stimulated, I was able to rationalize what was happening in my present moment as a gift.

It's sometimes ironic how gifts come in not-so-neatly wrapped packages.  My subacute thyroiditis was one of these.

During the early fall, I kept feeling like Christmas was going to be a big breakthrough time for me. I was looking forward to Christmas, and I was excited to watch Ella really "get it" this year.  Not to mention, Lucy would be experiencing her first year of the blessed holiday.

To what seemed to be my detriment, after a few months of feeling a bit anxious for no apparent reason, I started having throat pain sometime in November. And as December approached, it only escalated.  With it came a racing heart, irritability, massive over-stimulation, nervousness, muscle weakness, and extreme fatigue.  By early December, I had to make a doctor's appointment because I didn't know what to do with myself.

I won't bore you with all the details of my results, but I will tell you that you don't ever want to get subacute thyroiditis. It is a living hell. I even got a goiter. And I had a fever for three weeks. And I was mean a lot. My thyroid had been over-producing for almost 6 months, and so I lost weight and was also a nervous wreck.

They aren't sure what causes this year-long thyroidic roller coaster ride though they guess it starts with an upper-respiratory infection. Apparently, it's very rare. (Leave it to me to pick some disease to get that is very rare!)  My only real consolation to this nemesis was Motrin for three weeks straight so that my neck would stop feeling like it was going to explode and my fever would be masked. 

I took the Motrin.

And I stopped drinking coffee. (That is a whole other story in itself).  You don't want to see a mom of two kids under 3 without a morning cup of coffee.  For a week, I was propelled into the woes of depression by my coffee detox--the small bit of comfort was that one cup of coffee. And exercise? Oh my gosh. You don't want to do cardio when you're heart rate is through the roof.

So, I sat still, and I tried not to yell at anyone.

It's a good thing I had/have taken a somewhat hiatus from social media because had I not, I would have surely been on your block list because I would have been ranting about something...all the time.

I have to say, though, that during this extreme amount of pain and inner-hyperactivity, I had more peace than I knew what to do with.  It was one of those God things.  Peace that passes all understanding.

Until I was able to get any concrete results about what was happening to my body, I of course googled everything under the sun relating to the thyroid.  And as I did, some horrible disorders came up.  And even in the midst of wondering if I might have some of those or a tumor or whatever, I knew that I knew that God was doing something.

Sometimes I find that when I get sick, He is actually purging me of all kinds of negative things in my body that I don't need.  Having a fever for three weeks made my body an oven for killing bacteria and a host of other unwanted entities. My immune system was telling something nasty to get the heck out of my body.  A detox of sorts.

And my whole 2012 was a detox. There were moments of clarity and freedom, and then I was surely onto the next thing to get rid of.  When I look back, I think it was wonderful.  Look at what God did for me! I feel so much better!  But in the moment, I wasn't always quite so fun to be around.  (I can admit when I need introvert time).

Before the subacute thyroiditis started in full force, I started taking time in silence.  I wanted to listen.  Not only to God but also to myself.  My body was already feeling a bit weak from delivering a babe, and I knew that in order to find peace and strength, I needed to listen.  And as soon as I learned how to get really quiet, my body started freaking out.

This is what I've been trying to tell myself? This is what You've been trying to tell me? 

Yes.

But I wasn't in a place to listen until this ripe moment in my history.

And as soon as it was ripe, my body was loud.  And mad. And getting rid of more junk.

And now it's starting to quiet down, and heal itself, and prepare for several months of slow down.  Instead of hyperactive, its moves to hypoactive for several months.  True Southern style. Hopefully with a side of sweet tea.

But for now, at least I can have my cup of coffee.

And I can relish in the fact that God did it again.

We hold so much junk in our cellular memories.  So much pain and unresolved goo.  And sometimes we won't choose to let go until we finally listen to what our body is telling us. Our spirits our speaking to us all the time.

When push comes to shove and we find ourselves in a corner, we see the hell we've been living in.  And then we give it up.

Why no thank you. I'd prefer not to live in that toxic pit of unforgiveness and drudgery.  Funny enough, I didn't even know that layer existed.

But He did.  And in His effort to un-turn everything that He can un-turn for me so that I can see not only the goodness of He but also the joy of Life, He lets me get triggered.

And He gives me room to struggle.  And He gives me room to argue.  To get angry.  To feel pain.  To inventory my decisions.  And to make room for reconciliation in my heart.

What a God.

Until next time (hopefully not subacute thyroiditis--though it rarely happens twice--even though it rarely happens once), I'll be seeing you all soon....

(P.S. I have missed blogging with all my book writing. I think I'll try to be back at it a bit now that I have the grunt work of my book finished! You all are always so fun to share with. :) )

Lots of love to you on this rainy Wednesday!

I'm living in Transformation City.

It's been awhile since I've blogged.  All my writing has been scribbles on notebook paper or keystrokes in Microsoft Word.

I've missed you all!

This book has somewhat taken over my life the last few months. It has been unreal--amazing--life-changing.  It's been brewing in my heart to write it for the last six years (at least consciously), and as I candidly put my pen to paper this past few months, I can't believe it is actually happening.

I write this particular blog about it because I want you to be INSPIRED.

Only God knows why and how my process has looked the way it has.  The timing of it all and the person that I've become up to this point is none other than a Kairos moment.  I've shuffled and read through all the journals over my entire life span, chronologically lining them up, highlighting pages and themes......and rants.

And joys.

I've organized them into themes. Have you ever looked back on the themes that hover over your life?

Some of them are wonderful themes, and some of them are not so wonderful....yet.

In that matter of a month, I made a conscious to decision to face each of these themes. Good or bad. Ugly or pretty. And in this process, I have written my book.

I've blocked out all residual noise in my life.  The sound of His voice in this place is much too sweet for any type of intrusion.  He's re-walking me through the joy of my very existence in these moments.  Picking up my broken pieces, celebrating days that got neglected, re-piecing my mind back to how He created it.  I have no other rational explanation for this miraculous journey except that after looking over my life, I can understand with a fervent certainty how much He cares for me. How much He cares for us.

My journal from 1989 when I wanted a new pair of boots.  He remembers.
My journal from 2002 when I was desperately realizing that I didn't want to be a "normal" person with a "normal" job.  He initiated that.
My journal from 2006 when I took the plunge and started to dance again even though I was scared stiff.  He was waiting for that moment.

I say all this to say that I haven't spent enough time honoring my life and honoring the story He has written of me.  We spend so much time on busyness, and doing, and noise.  We drown out His voice and what He wants to say to us.  I can't believe how long I've lived with so much noise in my head.  Noise is so distracting.  It wasn't until this process of practicing simplicity, living in silence, and listening to my own self that I could finally hear Him like never before.

He's wooed me with my book.  He loves that I love to write.  That's why He's having me write my story, Our story.  For you, it may be different. Maybe you like to do swim or take pictures or sing. Whatever it is, if you keep having that "thing" tug at you, that "thing" that just won't go away...or that you "thing" you always talk about doing (but in reality never start because you're too scared), please take the plunge.

Quiet yourself.
Turn off the noise.
And put it on your 2013 Bucket List!

If you're terrified to get started or to even speak your desire out loud, then please message me! I love secrets. :)

But whatever you do, give yourself a Gift, and take the first step. It may start out really tough and awkward and what-the-heck-am-I-doing, but I promise it turns out really, really fruitful and invaluable! Kinda like the Christmas Story.........

Speaking of, Merry Christmas! I love you all and am so thankful for your support on my writing journey......you have instilled confidence and courage into me when I've needed it most!



Xo--Sarah

(And P.S. If you're on Instagram, find me! I miss all the pics of your sweet kiddos!)

Unity.

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, to, and why." --James Thurber

I've had some time in my basement.  It didn't take very long before I could find peace in the Silence.

Here's what I know:  There are a lot of scared people right now. Scared for many reasons. Death, crime, and hatred are all growing at an intensely fast rate.  We just came off of an extremely close and controversial election.  We also battled over chicken a few months ago.  Plus we deal with our kids being bullied in school, with people losing their jobs, and with the fear of nuclear bombs as the Middle East continues to grow even more unsettling.  And just months ago, one of our very own Ambassadors was raped and killed on our country's property.

This is tense.

We are in turmoil. And I refuse to believe that it has to stay this way.  At the same time, I refuse to participate in a perpetual cycle of arguing and lack of productivity.  Practically speaking, we have choices to make when we feel like we are in a state of doom and gloom.  Situations will never go away and challenges will never stop coming toward us, but we do have a choice in our response.

Somehow, it seems, that in the course of the last several years, the younger generation has become quite political and passionate.  I think this generation desperately wants to make a difference.  I just hope that it's for the right reasons, and I say that with the utmost respect.

When we use our agenda or our voices to feel powerful in our lives, we have to understand what a risk that is.  If you say something because you're full of rage or because winning is your goal, I'm going to be bold enough to shoot it straight.  That is not noble behavior.  Nor is it leadership.

If you say something because you are attempting to bring clarity, to mediate, or to share what you ultimately think is best for a situation, then I applaud you.  It's a tough day in age to say anything these days.  We say we have freedom of speech in this country, and yet as soon as we open our mouths to speak, we are subjected to uninitiated attack--no matter how pure or unbiased our motive.

The importance of saying what we need to say never should be dulled down though.  It should also never be mocked.  This is America. Do we not understand what a privilege it is to have an opinion?  And do we not understand the lives that were sacrificed in order for us to be free?  Let's act like adults and steward the gifts we've been given well.  We don't receive gifts like freedom in order to use them against our own brother.  That is beyond insecure and selfish.

If we want to start moving forward, then we need to start by acknowledging the importance and value of each person in this country.  If we don't value one another, what is the point? Who cares if states want to leave? Let's just call it a day and separate. Who cares if our Ambassador is raped? He's just overseas getting paid too much anyway.  Who cares if our tremendous debt is passed onto our kids? They'll figure it out.

This is how we're acting.

And it is more terrifying than anything to me. It makes us a target for ruin.

But even though the situation is terrifying, I'm not backing down. I have a voice, and I will use it. My ancestors with were both Native Americans and Settlers. This is my country. I will not cowtow to unrighteousness behavior, or intimidation, or big government.  This is my stance.

If Jesus lives in me, then so do all of His attributes.  Wonderful. Counselor. Prince of Peace. Everlasting Father. King of Kings. Ruler of Everything.

These characteristics do not succumb to sarcasm, manipulation, fear, control, passive aggressive behavior, or anything like it.

Goodness reigns over insecurity any day.

I can speak my opinion in love and with respect to anyone who disagrees.  I am not in the business of demeaning anyone.  I am for the prosperity of EVERYONE regardless of age, gender, sexual orientation, or religion. I will not, however, tolerate being mocked or degraded.  Especially on my own turf.

An Ambassador was raped and killed on his own soil. This is a travesty, and this is also a picture.

This is what we are doing to one another every single day when we hate and when we berate each other. How dare we.

It's time for us to grow up. Crisis is looming, and we need people in their big boy pants--not in diapers.

I honor our president.  I pray for him regularly.  I pray for his safety and for the Goodness of God to lovingly bless his life. So, even though I disagree with his policies, I have nothing but respect for who he has been created to be. And if I can stand here and say that with the purest of motives, then I know that my Life will prosper with peace in the midst of devastation or in the heights of success. I'm just hoping that others want the same, too.

I won't live by this world's way of doing things.

I'd rather be part of creating what we were designed for---life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Divided.

If the 2012 election showed me anything, it showed me this.  We are in a people in great pain.

Yes, pain.

Our unresolved issues of yester year are being thrust to the front in some sort of unproductive grasp to feel powerful and to take our voices back.  When I see posts where people are be-rating one another, I get sick to my stomach. When I see people take jabs or power plays with others, I get so sad.

We have no have idea how to communicate.

We have no idea how use our voices effectively. We have no idea who we are.

Please don't take this the wrong way because I absolutely love freedom of speech.  I love when people are passionate about what they believe.  I love when people express why they think what they think.  I even love when people who disagree with me post their opinions--as long as it's in a tasteful manner.  And, in addition, I love when people I agree with post their opinions--as long as it's in a tasteful manner.

We all have room to have a voice.  This is America, God Bless it.

Our propensity toward Civil War, though, is creeping its way into reality as we fight over our own pain.  Social media has created fake armies with unexperienced generals spouting off orders in cyberspace. A true leader can express his/her opinion without demeaning or judging the other side.  A true leader CAN disagree and can express emotion at the same time, but a leader also does this out of a heart of innocence and not out of a heart of revenge.

I've watched countless posts go through my status feed where people have shown their insecurity by posting statuses just to get a rise out of someone else.  I've also seen posts where people say something controversial just because they think that a firestorm makes them valid somehow.  I've seen relationships lost because of pain-inflated loss of character.  This makes me scared for us.

I realize that this topic of "politics" is nothing new (and it's not just politics, it's how in we engage in life).  Elections have been going on for hundreds of years now, but I think our unresolved pain has escalated.  In my personal experience, the only time I've felt the need to shout at someone is if I feel like I'm not being listened to.  The fact that I am not being listened to hurts my feelings because it seems to say that my voice isn't valid.  When I let that lie burrow it's way into my heart, I end up reacting out of it.  I then either stop using my voice all together (because I think no one cares) or I try to get my power back by using my voice loudly, sarcastically, harshly, etc.  Well, then, an election comes up.  Or the issue of abortion comes up.  Or the issue of gay marriage....and low and behold, I have an opinion. And when I'm still believing that burrowed lie, I'm going to use that voice that no one seemed to care about to get my point across.  And while I'm at it, I'm going to put down the people who disagree with me because I'm in so much unresolved pain from my hurt feelings twenty years ago that I need someone else to feel that, too.  Misery loves company. I hurt someone else because I am hurting inside.  It's a vicious cycle.  It's the cycle of abuse. Open any psychology book.

Does anyone else see this happening?

This is so ugly.

This is such childish behavior.

We are acting like illegitimate children.

God loves us.  ALL of us. We belong to Him.  Our voices were created out of love, and each of us are valid.  When we stoop to this type of behavior, we desecrate ourselves.  We desecrate our neighbor.

It doesn't matter at this point whether you are gay or straight, Muslim or Christian, Republican or Democrat; we aren't going to agree on this right now.  I care most about how we can achieve our best success as a community. Do I have thoughts or opinions? Absolutely.  But my "right" to an opinion is second in line to my hope for restoration.

We have to either learn how to communicate with one another, and by doing so, choose to be on the same team, or we need to prepare for a Civil War. It's our choice.

We are destroying ourselves. And our kids are watching.

At this point, the only place I can find Hope is in silence.  When all the other voices are wiped away, I can listen for the One Voice who gives Life. And my earnest desire is only to release real Life. I refuse to enter or proliferate the cycle of abuse.

Until that Voice reverberates through my entire being, I'm just going to have to go back into the basement....again.

And that's that......

Things I learned in Traffic School.

So, it's true. I got my first ticket. Ever. And, it's also true, that I wondered why in the heck the police officer wouldn't let me go with a warning.  I was driving my huh-knee's car (which speeds up a bit quicker), and I also was only going 10 miles over the posted speed limit in a speed trap where the limit changes from 55 to 45 without great notice. I miss one sign and blue lights start rotating.

As he read me my rights and my court options, I freaked out inside.  $280 for 10 miles over the speed limit? Do I look like the criminal type? I was trying to get home to nurse a screaming baby for cryin' out loud.  There was no one around--except for a cop in the bushes.  In fact, he followed me without lights on for like 4 miles before pulling me over.  Taunting me.

When I got to the BP station, that was that. I signed the yellow paper, pulled in the driveway, and said to David: "I just got a ticket, and I'm sick about it. Just sick about it."

(Insert drama)

Why is it that getting a ticket feels like the end of the world?

When I attended my court date, the Judge was very kind. He had a humorous personality, and then he made me pay a $44 fine (yes, 44!). He quickly gave me the choice of traffic school or paying the full ticket.  I chose traffic school.

As I sat in class with others, they told their stories of Anger Management class and their annoyance of bicyclers on the side of the road.  They also told horror stories of guns being pulled in front of their faces because they played the aggressive driver game with people who were riding their tail.

Let's just say, I might have put up a stubborn fight, but I'm pretty sure Traffic School saved my life before I ever put myself in danger.  Thank you, cop in the bushes and Judge Nations for saving me from ever making mistakes like people in my class shared.

And so, I wanted to pass along a few of the stories and lessons I learned in hopes that maybe it will be as enlightening to you as it was to me.  First off, you'll have to excuse me because I can't remember all of the exact statistics, but I am attempting to be as accurate as possible.  What I found most astonishing (and sometimes comical) was how Traffic School applied to life as we know it.  I live in metaphors.  Everything means something.

If driving a car is a metaphor for living your life, well you can just fill in the rest of the blanks with some of these stories/facts:

1. It is safer to smoke a joint of marijuana while driving than it is to talk on a cell phone while driving; this includes a BlueTooth. (This is not to advocate joint-smoking while driving.) This just says that driving a car while being distracted on a cell phone equivalently brings your blood concentration level down to the same as a drunk (with alcohol) driver.  Can you believe it? It's safer to be high while driving.  We're all driving around drunk with kids in the backseat and pedestrians walking and other people driving. Scary thought.

2. Even if you are wearing your seatbelt, if someone else is your car is NOT wearing a seatbelt, they will likely injure you if you're in a car accident.  The person who chooses not to wear a seatbelt is the person who flies around the car hitting people with the same impact as the initial car crash.  In Ireland, a group of four teenagers were traveling in a car. Three were wearing seatbelts and one wasn't.  The three were killed because the fourth teen's body collided with them over and over again as the car was struck multiple times.  It's like a loose cannon. It'd be really difficult to live with yourself if you kill all the people in your car who are actually following the rules. Wear a seatbelt.  If you're driving others in your car, make them wear a seatbelt.

3. Never engage with an aggressive driver AKA don't get into a power struggle with anyone.  If someone is riding your tail, pull over and let them pass if you can.  If someone flicks you off, turn the other cheek.  If someone wants to race, let them speed their little heart out.  It's safer if they're in front of you instead of behind you. I heard numerous stories of people fighting "back" in a power struggle, and the initial aggressive driver ended up pulling out a gun or starting a physical assault.  Winning is not worth it. Driving isn't a competition; it's a way for us to get from Point A to Point B. We all need to go places, but we don't have to fight about it.

4. On a similar note, personalize yourself with what other drivers may be going through.  They are not always trying to be aggressive even though it might look like it at first.  My teacher told the story of a woman who was being tailgated.  She got annoyed because she believed the person behind her was being a jerk, and so she did several break checks and slow downs.  After three or four cycles of this, the person behind her sped up quickly and passed her up.  As she connected eyes with the driver, she noticed that there was a person in the back seat who was performing CPR on a body.  Don't be stupid.  (Practical life advice here: You might think someone is on your tail because they're aggressive (they don't like you or because they want to cause trouble), but it might not be the case.  When we think we can judge a book by it's cover without truly knowing who someone is and we then engage in an un-initated power struggle with them, we could be risking someone's life.  For whatever reason, these kind of power-struggle initiators always want to drive slowly in front of me when I have a victim in my back seat.  I'm not sure if the blond hair throws them off, or if they just assume that I'm naive-- but Lawd Almighty. My biggest way to thwart dumb games in life threatening situations? Let go of the offense and remove myself from the situation.  I'm just gonna speed on up ahead of you, and save the person's life in the back seat (whether it's my own or someone else's).  I was a lifeguard in college; the signs of drowning are very obvious. I can't help myself but to jump in the water and get that person out before CPR is our only option, but we all need to be on the same team. I can't do my job if someone else is holding me up, and the other person can't do his future job if I'm holding offense against his unnoticed belligerence. If you can relate to this scenerio, you can read more about this personal soapbox here.

Just writing about those four examples is enough for me to chew on for the next several weeks.  We have been so irresponsible.  I have been irresponsible. If I don't want to white knuckle the dash board when my kids start driving, I'm going to enforce this stuff in my life NOW.  These are the kinds of small decisions we make in everyday life that will completely affect the generations behind us.  My kids learn how to drive by watching me drive.  I can only control the way my family does business, but if we choose to follow safe traffic guidelines then at least I know we'll have good reaction time if someone else isn't.  I'd rather be safe than dead.  I'll be looking both ways before driving through a green light, keeping 3 seconds from the car in front of me, and pulling over to let aggressive drivers pass me from now on.

Thank you, Traffic School.