Ode to Women

Ever hear voices? You know, the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other?

This one tells you to run, that one tells you to stay.

And then you add yourself to the mix, then you add your spouse, your friends, your boss, etc. etc. etc.  Pretty soon, you can possibly be the barometer of any room (or so it feels).

If you are a sensitive spirit, like myself, you are very aware of these "voices".  Sometimes you can hear them without someone even saying anything.  You can just feel it.  They speak with body language, with tone, with frequencies.  Some people call it intuition, some people call it discernment, some people call it flat out crazy.

And it's me.

And, it may be you, too? It seems to be a lot of women.  Their sensory organs are extraordinary. They see through eyes, ears, and their spirit. They just "get" stuff without it needing to be explained.  They read between the lines, they sense this or that, they just "know".  We, women, are a special breed.  And I've really come to love us.

Women often get a bad rap for being oversensitive, emotional, or irrational.  Their feelings can be berated and overlooked as sweet or cute.  Their role looked upon as little helper.  This mindset really makes my blood boil.  Because these women, these sensitive spirits, these intercessors...they go to war daily.  Not only for themselves, but for their husbands, for their families, for the world.

If you've ever met a woman, you know this.  You don't mess with a Mama Bear.  And yet, the voices are strong, and the war can be brutal.

These "voices" can come in the form of a serpent in a garden or also from an angelic beauty that appears to a 13 year old young virgin.  The voice of the serpent deceived the woman into the fall of mankind.  The voice of the angelic beauty supernaturally birthed the Savior for the same mankind.  That's some serious business.

And you know what? It seems as though God likes to choose women to be ambassadors for that serious business.  Every day, women are giving birth and and also enlisting in the military. They are rising in government office and they are also at home raising children.  Women are multi-faceted beings that carry life, love, and war.  They cannot be put in a box.

Last year around this time, I was about 7 months pregnant with Ella.  I remember carrying my big belly around and thinking about Mary a lot.  About what it felt like to be pregnant with a supernatural being by supernatural means.  Her baby would be both God and man; a combination of perfection.  This also made me think about the supernatural being in my belly.  The meaning of Ella is the female form of "who is like God".  She, also, would carry the likeness of God and the essence of woman.  Another combination of perfection.  And, me, the blessed one...who was chosen to carry and to birth her.

Just this alone, gives the term woman a whole new value.  We are feelers, we are warriors, we are birthers.  And we have been chosen to do so.

Seems as though there are a lot of women on the rise right now.  At least when I look around or when I talk to them, I hear a cry coming from within them to build.  They're tired of being put on the back-burner, tired of being pushed around, and tired of being confined to their ladies Bible study.  They're ready to make history.  They're ready for war.  They're ready to say something.

And those voices I mentioned earlier? Those senses, that discernment, that intuition?  It only makes them more accurate.  The battles will only sharpen their skills for when they have reached the top of the mountain.  It will only add to their authority and to their honor.

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, perhaps because it keeps getting put in my path.  It feels like we're at the brink of change.  In fact, we are already in change.  This is just another part of it.

So, my faithful blog readers, my friends, and women in the world, I salute you today! For your sacrifices, for your faith, for no longer putting up with the small boxes that have tried to cramp your style and your giftings.  May the world be yours and all your dreams with it...

Happy Monday!

(corresponding song: Mushaboom by Feist)

On the Move

Yes, yes. She's on the move... We're on the move.

And off she goes...

Sometimes she has to go backward in order to end up going forward. Know what I'm sayin'?
And sometimes, she gets stuck under a chair. And that's ok, too. It gives her a chance to rest and to inspect all the crevices of the hardwood floor (which she loves to do by the way).
She is such a picture. As I watched her move around yesterday, I was amazed. Her little life is quite the representation of how we learn and grow. I realize that every parent probably thinks this...because it's the first time we can actually watch "ourselves" grow from a different angle. It really is a gift from God.

I kept thinking about her crawling yesterday. How she just goes all over the floor...backwards. She happily just cruised around, rubbing little worn out spots into the knees of her pj's, scoopin' up a few Howie hairs along the way. She had no problem with going backward. And even though in my adult mind, it seems funny to go backward first, it really seemed to make sense to me yesterday.

Because, in fact, going backward will actually turn into going forward. And going forward will turn into standing and standing will turn into walking. Walking to running. You get the picture.

As I've been taking inventory, I was realizing it's kind of like crawling backward. Sometimes before you move ahead, you need to take some time to look back. I seem to do this a lot when I'm going through some sort of transition. I can already feel the transition for the New Year brewing. I always get this way around this time of year. Takin' a good look at my last 11 months. The good, the bad, the ugly. Where have I grown? What have I learned? What could use some improvement and what flat out needs to change? Then, I give thanks...for all of it. Celebratin' the good times and the hard times. For all that makes us love, overcome, and succeed. And then after Thanksgiving, it's full blown nesting. Let's get ready for that new baby come Christmas. And at Christmas, we celebrate, too. New birth, new life...and presents. I love presents.

And after Christmas, comes...New Year's (more presents!).

I'm not necessarily a big New Years Resolution person. More like a Bucket List person. I tend to drive myself crazy when I force myself into some kind of organized program. But, when I make a list of things I'd like to do that year, it gives my year a whole new meaning. It gives me expectation and a tangible way of watching my dreams come true. You've got to be faithful in believin' for a little, that way when it comes true, it gives you the faith to believe for a lot. That's how I like to live anyway.

So, as I've been taking my inventory this month, I've also been makin' my 2011 Bucket List. It's lookin' mighty fine so far. Lots to look forward to. Maybe when I get finished, I'll share some of it with you... :)

(corresponding song: Falling for You by Colbie Caillat)

Inventory Days

I've been studying codependency the last, um, 6 years. Funny thing to study you say? Not if you're codependent. We all are to a degree, some more than others, depending on your personality, gifting, woundedness, etc. It's just one of those real life things.

Every so often, I take an inventory of myself. It's not usually a scheduled thing, it's usually a God-timing thing. Like when He's trying to tell me something, and I'm not listening. Then, lo and behold, things start going wrong. Start having a bad day here and a bad day there. Anxiety starts to creep back in, or I start to worry about something stupid. Anybody ever been there? Yea, I thought so.

Anyway, I usually end up getting to a point where I realize my life has yet again become unmanageable. When this happens, I usually start by subconsciously playing the victim card (I'll probably blog about this one later, it's a doozy). It sounds something like "Why did this happen to me? I didn't do anything wrong. Blah blah blah. Woe is me." We all know it, and again, some of us know it better than others.

Next, I move to some sort of rationalization. "Well, I only did it because xyz. I had to protect myself, they would have been mad and it would have caused a big blow up, or they just don't understand." Or my personal favorite, "If I don't do it, nobody will." Blah blah blah.

Finally, I get back to some sort of a reality. (Thank you, God.) At this point, I decide...it's time to start taking inventory. Where did my days start going bad? Where did my life take the detour into the wild jungle?

For me, it usually ends up somewhere in the codependent/enabling category. Doing too much for others, not saying no even when I want to, or the ever-so-clever staying busy taking care of everyone else while my own life is falling apart. I used to live here......real bad. Nowadays, it's not so bad. The last six years, though painful as they were, stripped me of a lot of those deep-rooted behaviors. But every once and awhile, I'll get a chance to go a little further, take another step. Get another chance to say "no". This usually brings fear at first (proving that I am still codependent). I get a good work-up, go through the pros and cons in my head, and then I finally take the plunge (because in my guts, I can't possibly survive if I don't do it). And, I say no. Whew. And you know what? It feels darn good. And for me, a lot of those wild jungle adventures start to slow down. Things start coming back into place, and not only into place, but into a Higher place.

It's usually messy. It's usually a little grueling and uncomfortable. I don't typically come in riding a white horse, saving the day. Instead, it usually looks opposite. I stumble, get nervous, doubt myself. But I once heard that courage is not that you do something with bravery but that you do something you are scared to do. I like that. That is real life stuff.

You know what else is real life stuff? The Twelve Steps. Take a looky for yourself, alcoholic or codependent or whatever type of addict you may be, and see what ya think. Happy Thursday!

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power Greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects in character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

P.S. Coincidentally, my blog is well established now and ready to go. So, if you enjoy following me, bookmark or "follow" this page. I'm giving my FB account the ax tomorrow, so you'll no longer be able to click on the links I've been posting. If, however, you like what I say and want to share it, feel free. You just click on one of those "share" buttons below. ;)

(corresponding song: Heart of Life by John Mayer)

Butterflies are Free.

"I only ask to be free. The butterflies are free." --Charles Dickens

Butterflies are Free. That's what I'm workin' on saying.

It's my monologue piece. About 2 minutes long and comical, yet also fearful and a little sad. In this piece, my character, Jill, is trying to convince herself into why she cannot become emotionally involved with the man she is falling in love with. She's made some silly mistakes, like being married for six days during high school, to none other than a guy named Jack...and from what I gather, she's the one who ended it. And the dread of her hurting someone else (or herself) is what keeps her from moving forward into love. Instead, she just "flies" from one place to another. In addition, she is also an aspiring actress, is constantly eating, and adores butterflies. Yes, I like her. She is messy and chaotic and beautiful and fun.

And there's something about her that feels like...me. I've been married for longer than six days, but I can relate to her fears of getting hurt and hurting someone else. It's that tugging and slugging that happens in a chrysalis. And, I can definitely relate to what a chrysalis feels like.

I finished monotonously memorizing my lines last week. Then, I spent some time doing a character analysis. And, low and behold, did my life become Jill Tanner's for the weekend. Very fun...and not fun at the same time.

I felt her anxiety and her low self-esteem. I considered if it was worth it to move forward into something that seems to be scary and perhaps very committing of myself. I looked at the two versions of a butterfly. There are butterflies that go from place to place not being committed to anything; those butterflies are "free". And there are butterflies that are committed to something, like love, and those butterflies are a deeper type of free.

Needless to say, this Jill Tanner, she and I became great friends this week.

I'll get to officially step into her shoes tomorrow...twice. 10 students + 1 teacher gawking at the experience. It'll be my time to SAY SOMETHING.

Would love to hear what you're workin' on saying...whether it's art or exercise or administrative or poetic...

P.S. Check out this blog. Amazing!

(corresponding song: Up by Shania Twain)

Just Say No to Religion

Been workin' on my "sayin". Next thing I know...here come the Rule Keepers. They always like to show up when you're having a good time...or about to have a good time.

Call 'em Pharisee's. Call 'em Sadducees. Call 'em demons who try to disguise themselves as godly. Whatever way they come, they're nothing more than religious spirits. And you know what? They are seriously annoying.

Jesus really thought so. There are more than a few instances of him givin' these guys a run for their money. He even called them names. Brood of vipers. Hypocrites. Blind.

They'd show up when He'd heal someone on the Sabbath and claim he was sinning because he wasn't "resting". They'd set up rules for other people to measure up to, but they couldn't follow through themselves. They hated Jesus, so they tried to follow him around and stir up trouble. Mainly with their man-made rules.

Don't get me wrong. Rules have their place. They keep us safe, and they give us boundaries. They also are guidelines to encourage righteous living. Those kind of rules, I'm ok with. But the Pharisee kind of rules, the controlling and condemning kind, they've gotta go.

Sad thing, though, is the way many of us entertain these kind of rules and then masquerade them as Truth. I admit, I've done it. I've had my Pharisee days and my Sadducee ones. And boy was I miserable. And you know who else was miserable? All those people around me.

And not only that, you know what else I was? Sick. Remember that forgiveness dance? Yea, desperately needed one of those around that time. My body was weak and my mind even weaker. Why? Because there is no freedom in religion. What?? Sarah, I thought you were a Christian. Why yes. I certainly am. I love Jesus, the man who died, who took my place, who offered me grace instead of death. Him, I love. But religion, I do not. Because religion is control, it's rules, it's constricting, and it's life-sucking. No thanks.

Those religious days left me spiraling around constantly trying to do everything "right", keeping my to do list loaded up with good deeds for the day, and keeping me bound to none other than the endless cycle of "ministry mentality". And all the while, I was missing God.

Don't get me wrong. Deep down, my intentions were good. I wanted to help, to be compassionate, and to live a full life. But what I needed first...was some serious therapy. You might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Cause you know where those religious spirits flourish? In a heart that has not known Love.

So, in our effort to feel Loved, we try to either 1. to love and/or to fix everyone else without really knowing what Love is (which, might I add, leads to exhaustion) or 2. we judge other people who are living Life because we're jealous or 3. both.

Seems like a common problem. I know a lot of church folk who mean well but who don't do well. And for those of you who've encountered them (most likely all of us), I'm sorry. We all know not what we do.

So, I've decided something. Let's start a new trend. The old one is obviously not working. It's actually making things worse.

This new trend will be a peacemaker, with ourselves and with others. It will be birthed out of humility of spirit and out of honor for others. It will encourage the down-trodden and give life to the broken. It will speak joy into the hopeless heart, and it will make the bearer feel undoubtedly alive. And it will involve dancing, lots and lots of dancing.

And with the dancing, parties. Lots and lots of celebration.

Celebration over what Love has done.

And joyful anticipation over what it will do...

"I've come so that they might have Life, and have it to the Full." --John 10:10

(corresponding song: Early in the Morning by Gap Band)

Stage Fright

So, I'm taking a Monologue class. Just started on this past Tuesday and culminates next Tuesday, kind of an "intensive" if you will. We started the workshop by sharing why each of us was there, what kind of acting we had previously done, what kind of acting we might like to do. After we were done with our introductions, our teacher said "Do you know what the number one fear is?" Stage Fright. Even before death. That means...people are more scared to stand up in front of a crowd and say something than to DIE.

Wow.

You'd think that in a country of free speech, more people might be inclined to share. Now of course, there are plenty who do share and overshare and scream and berate; I'm not talking about them. They might want to share a little less. I'm talking about those of us who want to share, who almost boil inside with something to give, whether it be words, or deeds, or art.

But then something creeps us to keep us from doing it.

I've known this little creepy "friend" for some time now, and I've had to keep my eye very closely on him. He tries to sneak in when the timing's right or when I'm a little low on my luck. And then he sometimes disguises himself by switching identities. Then he insists I need to do something too quickly, too bluntly, and with too much barf attached to it. Yes, I said barf.

But I'm working on it. Working on my balance. And working on getting rid of my so-called "friend".

Anyway, back that stage fright thing.

I pondered it a lot last night. What's holding us back? Why are so many good people being struggling right now? And then I got the answer. "They're stuck in the middle. They need to say something." So, then my next question was "What do I need to say? What do they need to say?" The answer was yet again, simple. "Whatever you WANT to say." Hmmmm... What's that message that's brewing in your life right now? Is it mad, sad, happy, difficult, exhilarating, hopeful? Say it. Dance it. Paint it. Write it. Run it. Sing it. Cook it. Snap a picture of it. Sculpt it. Let it out. Tell that old friend "Hasta La Viesta, baby" by saying something...something from inside you. Something from your guts.

After all that's how the Israelites took care of Jericho. They walked around that thing 7 times and then shouted. Shouted! And those walls, those obstacles just came a tumblin' down.

If you're the cartoon type, this is a snippet of Ella's favorite video of the last 3 months. She will only watch this, nothing else. What a little spiritual barometer she is. :) Enjoy...

and then say something! :)

Josh and the Big Wall

Romans 8:18-21

^18-21That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

^22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

(corresponding song: Stuck in the Middle With You by Steelers Wheel)

Sappy Love Song of the Day

There's something about sappy love songs. Can't get enough of 'em. I listen to Delilah year round. Just can't help myself.

I have even found myself driving home, tears running down my face, listening to Endless Love. Call it the dreamer in me or the romantic...or the sheer crazy if you want. I'll probably respond to any of those. But what I really am, deep down, is the Beloved.

And it's just there's something about hearing a sappy love song after you've had a bad day or a good day, but especially a bad day, that makes being serenaded by an 80's band so...refreshing. It's the perfect culmination of a day or week or month of pushing forward towards Love, your dreams, or whatever may be in your path.

I've gotten a few emails and phone calls from friends lately who have been having a hard time...going through some stuff, hard stuff. Nothing seems to be going right, or setback after setback, sickness after sickness. Well, sweet friends, I dedicate this song to you. You're on the Journey of Love. A Love that stops at nothing to perfect the wrongs, the injustices, and the setbacks. Sometimes you have to go through them, in order to process them and then to conquer them. It's not a punishment, you're not losing the battle. The process is really a gift, to show you the sweetness of victory. To allow you to feel. To bring you into intimacy, and to allow you to share in the sufferings of not only the One but also the person down the line who will need your life experience to encourage them. Life is gonna be ok. You're going to be ok. You're unconditionally loved, and nothing's gonna stop that (pun intended). So sit back, relax, and listen deep. Someone wants to sing you a song...

...and if you don't cry, at least you can smile. :)

Romans 8:38-40 (The Message)

^31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

(corresponding song: Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship)