Twas a great weekend.

First off, an extra hour of sleep. Hallelujah. And Ella slept in, too.

Second, no showers all weekend (and we even went out in public). And even though the adults played irresponsible, we did decide to give Ella a bath in the big girl tub. I would have posted a picture but I was playing the part of hyperventilating mom, sitting on the edge of the tub reciting the statistics of how it only takes a baby 4 ounces of inhaled water to drown. David, on the other hand, was a trooper. It was, of course, his idea to put her in the big girl tub in the first place. And though Ella did fantastic for the most part, I did have to pull her up quickly by her arm once, maybe slightly pre-maturely (or maybe not!), but I'm not totally crazy. I'm just a first time mom.

Thirdly, we cleaned house. We spent our extra hour on Sunday morning tearin' this place up. I mean, every inch of the floor Simple Green-ed and every Howie hair (and boy do they hide) vacuumed up. The process was somewhat exhilarating, you know, cleaning cause you want to--not cause you have to. I did, however, remind Howie that he should take security and pleasure in knowing that he will be the ONLY dog that we will ever have like him. No need to fret, Howie. You are our one-of-a-kind pet...the only one we will ever own that needs to be Furminator-ed weekly, that slobbers puddles, and that can wear a saddle. We love you, bud.

And Fourth, because of the kindness and support of all of you, it is time! I have officially started my first book. Monumental, I tell you. This thing has been baking in the oven for a long time. I have no idea how long it will take to finish, but that doesn't really matter to me at this point. I love the thrill and creativity of each page, pen to the paper, recorded thoughts out in the open. Thanks for being part of my process; you have built my faith to move forward!

Lots of good stuff this weekend. And a busy, fun week ahead. Happy Monday!

(corresponding song: Everybody Dance Now by C&C Music Factory)

El Roi, the God who sees.

To Dance: Part II

Perhaps you want to do this dance, this forgiveness dance. But you don't know how. You get angry, but it's not enough. It doesn't release enough because there is still an aching in your soul. There are still too many unanswered questions. Too much tugging at you to keep you from reaching the point of relief.

You know what has always helped me? Having someone with me. Knowing that there is another person with you who was there, who understands your feelings, whether you can express them or not. Isn't that what we're all searching for? Living life with someone...having someone understand us, validate us, and truly see us. Having someone tell us that "things will be ok" even if the walk is hard, even if the valley seems deep, and even if the pain seems too big.

It's part of being human. The desire for communion with another, the need for intimacy, the longing for someone to be so deeply connected to you that you could let all that other stuff go. A communion so deep that the freedom of Love would be enough to break down the walls of hurt and fear and unforgiveness. A place where you knew that you were safe...to just be. No performance, no striving, no worries of not being enough. No need to hide behind this career or that to do list, no need to hide behind this religious slogan or that hardened heart. I think we're all tired of it. All the "keeping it together". That keeping it together is often what holds us back from forgiving. Because if we acknowledge that we have been hurt, then we have to make a choice to forgive or not. If we decide to forgive, then we have to acknowledge the feelings that come from our hurt. If we feel those feelings, then we want someone to be with us. We don't want to be alone.

Well, there is good news. You don't need to be alone. There has been someone watching, and He knows exactly how you feel. You still may not understand all they why's in your head, but in reality it doesn't truly matter. Because this man, this El Roi, has experienced even worse. He was stripped naked, beaten, spit on, and hanged on a cross...and the paradox is, He had committed no crime. His only "offense" was claiming that he was Messiah, the Savior. Each of us, I'd say, could make quite a list of offenses. And those offenses, no matter big or small, deserve a consequence. But what if this, El Roi, said "Don't worry. I've got that one. I'll take it up for you." Changes things, doesn't it? Not only did he see what happened, but he also experienced it, and in his perfection, He made provision for it. Lash after lash, nail after nail. It makes it easier to let go...knowing that your circumstance has not only been understood, but it also has been carried by another. And in the carrying, it was forgiven.

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights. Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book." --Psalm 56:8

(corresponding song: Crash into Me by Dave Matthews Band)

To Dance

I recently had a friend tell me that in Hebrew the word Forgiveness is translated "to dance".

Beautiful, isn't it?

I think so. Because this dance, it's changed my life.

This dance, also known in my world as joy, comes from a place deep inside. So deep and so big that sometimes I have no idea how to contain it all. I'm so full that I have no idea what to do with myself. What a problem to have, right?

Well, if you're interested, I'll tell you the secret...

Those who have been forgiven much, forgive much.

And, well, it's hard to have this joy if you don't have forgiveness. It's just this little lesson I've learned over the years. You see, the more I held onto the wrong others had done to me, the more I hardened and got stiff-necked. The more I held a grudge, the more my body tightened up. The more I decided "I'd show them", the more I lost myself.

And let me tell you, I had plenty reason to be angry.... I just didn't have reason to not forgive.

It only kept me captive, making me bitter and sick inside. It attacked my mind and my body. I was tired, worn out, and mentally exhausted. Sound familiar?

It may be a common misconception to believe that to forgive is weak, to forgive is to say what happened was ok, or that to forgive is not worth it. I would beg to differ. Because it was when I started on this journey of forgiveness that I began to Live.

Forgiving others.

Forgiving myself.

And when I started to do so, I started to see parts of my soul open up. I started to remember things I had forgotten. I started to respond to this new-found freedom with a new fervency and a new level of creativity; portals opened up and I was sucked inside.

And then started...the Dance. As I let go, things changed. I saw reality shift before my very eyes. Those people I had forgiven, they started dancing, too. Addictions broke off. Relationships were restored. Miracles took place. Nothing short of the supernatural, I tell you. No doctor or psychic could have done or predicted this. This was death being resurrected to Life. This was Christmas turned Easter. That baby boy I told you about yesterday, well, not only did He birth a love in me, He also birthed a love in them. And from then on, things were different.

Was/is it always easy? No. Is it often a process? Yes.

But there are also times where it's a moment. And it's in those moments when the dance starts to rise.

And when the dance starts to rise, when you touch that freedom, there's no turning back.

That's when you change. That's when you start to Live. That's when you can change the world.

Matthew 26:27-29

Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."

(corresponding song: Into the Night by Santana)

Joy.

Psalm 23

A David Psalm

^1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

⁴ Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

⁵ You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

⁶ Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

This passage is often read at funerals. Many times before, I've looked at it and/or read it and felt, in a way, sad. It made me think of death more than life. I don't know, probably something about Death Valley? And in those days, at that time, it was easier to cling to the sad instead of cling to the joy.

The ironic thing is that this passage, though very common, has been one of those Life passages for me...following me around, sneaking up on me when I least expect it, given to me by random persons who asked God for a word of encouragement for me, and even spoken into my heart in the middle of the night by God Himself. Ever woken up to that? It's a sweet treat to a nursing-in-the-middle-of-the-night mama. The stillness of midnight, the cuddle of a 20 pound silky-skinned babe (who smells amazing by the way), and a tender conversation with God. Let me tell you, it makes getting up three times a night worth it. Especially when...

...you get to this point where the Death Valley isn't so sad anymore. Because instead of spending time in Death Valley...

you spend time in the House of God.

And instead of pessimism, you embrace Hope. In exchange for unforgiveness, you receive Grace. And instead of sadness, you taste Joy. Sounds kinda like Christmas, doesn't it? Perhaps like a baby boy in a manger? Yes, sounds a lot like Jesus. Little (or a lot) did the David of this Psalm know that this baby boy, who exchanged death for life and sadness for joy, would come through his bloodline...that the God of the Universe would place the Redemption of mankind in his family. Maybe this is why David is called "A man after God's own heart"...because he possessed something that God valued. A heart that pulsed, that breathed, and that felt the very heartbeat of his Creator. He was passionate, he was gut-wrenchingly honest, and he fell way short of perfect. Yet, God chose his lineage to birth a Savior. Perhaps the same could happen with me and you? I think so. In fact, I know so. It is the very experience that I am currently going through. It is the Christ-in-me that is being birthed...that's this Love I'm talking about. And, yup, I've gone overboard. Overflowin' in the good stuff. And this is just the beginning...

There is still a lot more to come.

You know how I know?

Cause there are still a lot of dreams to dream...and a lot of promises to be fulfilled.

And I'm waiting to see my God show up.

Not because I'm testing Him.

But because I now excitedly wait to see how He will love me, to see how He will show up for me, and to see how He will provide for me.

Joy. It's definitely the good stuff. Cheers!

(corresponding song: Stole my Heart by Little and Ashley)

Lots to celebrate.

First off, someone got her first tooth yesterday! Though I would love to show you a picture (because, yes, I am that mom), I can't. Ella isn't a fan of us looking in her mouth for teeth. Perhaps its because we've been waitin' for this little bugger for 3 months! Oh yea....there's some teeth in da house!

Next, Ella had her first vote yesterday. Ok, not really. But the older gentlemen who led me to my booth said, "She needs one of these!", and proceeded to give her a sticker even though I cleverly let him know she can't read yet. He just smiled and said, "in due time". So, of this memory, I did take a picture...and giggled as she proudly strutted her "I voted" sticker all day. I mean, this little genius could be president some day. Daddy already sported her slogan sign: "Ella June 2048". (How's that for making us feel old?)

Third on the agenda...

It may seem small to you, but within the last week, I have become a black coffee drinker. What???? Yes! Not even cream. I don't know what has come over me! I'm the girl who used to wake up in our first year of marriage and drink that "coffee drink" stuff...you know, the International Cafe sugary powder you mix with water (which now makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it). David would just look at me and say "Awww...you're so cute", and now he's like "What a beast! Way to go, babe!" The beast part is endearing, mind you.

And fourth...this one is gonna sound a little cooky. I'm just warning you. We've starting brewing and fermenting a fantastic tea called Kombucha. It's a special tea that is fermented for a week with a SCOBY (Symbiotic Colony of Bacteria and Yeast) to produce a delicious tea that is full of B Vitamins and essential amino acids. And, it's super good for your gut. If you want to gently cleanse your liver and kidneys while also flushing out your intestines, drink up. The crazy part is that each week, your SCOBY grows a "baby" AKA another SCOBY. So, you can pass on the love to someone else who wants to start brewing kombucha. All that to say, we are celebrating a new baby in the house, a SCOBY baby. Who wants it? First come, first serve!

So, fill me in. What are YOU celebrating today?

P.S. Thank you for all your sweet comments on my blog. They make my day!

(corresponding song: Celebrate Good Times by Cool and the Gang)

Hopeful Romantic

There's no turning back. I've gone over the deep end.

I've been swept up in Love and now can only react by seeing the good in life. A change of perspective. Ahhhhh....so refreshing.

The Autumn evening greets me with a crisp breeze on my face and that "almost" winter smell that comes at the sun sets. Ella giggles at the air as she jumps wild and free in her johnny-jumper. Howie rolls over with a big yawn only to open his eyes enough check on us before dozing back into dreamland. Then David grabs my hand, and we dance in the kitchen while making dinner.

I've gone over the deep end.

All those small details that seemed so distracting and hopeless...they just fall by the wayside. All that striving...what a waste of energy. All that busy busy busy...meaningless... if you're not in love.

A change in perspective...It's good for the soul.

Let go...fall in Love...I double-dog dare you..... :)

---

Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.

- Vincent van Gogh

(corresponding song: Cheek to Cheek by Ella Fitzgerald)

Love

This says it all. One of my favorite books from college, "The Greatest Salesman in the World" by Og Mandino.

Happy Monday.

Chapter Nine: The Scroll Marked II

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

For this is the greatest secret of success in all ventures. Muscle can split a shield and even destroy life but only the unseen power of love can open the hearts of men and until I master this art I will remain no more than a peddler in the market place. I will make love my greatest weapon and none on whom I call can defend against its force.

My reasoning they may counter; my speech they may distrust; my apparel they may disapprove; my face they may reject; and even my bargains may cause them suspicion; yet my love will melt all hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest clay.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and I will be borne again. I will love the sun for warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due, yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I speak? I will laud mine enemies and they will become friends; I will encourage my friends and they will become brothers. Always will I dig for reasons to applaud; never will I scratch for excuses to gossip. When I am tempted to criticize I will bite my tongue; when I am moved to praise I will shout from the roofs.

Is it not so that birds, the wind, the sea and all nature speaks with the music of praise for their creator? Cannot I speak with the same music to his children? Henceforth will I remember this secret and it will change my life.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I act? I will love all manners of men for each has qualities to be admired even though they be hidden. With love I will tear down the wall of suspicion and hate which they have built round their hearts and in its place will I build bridges so that my love may enter their souls.

I will love the ambitious for they can inspire me! I will love the failures for they can teach me. I will love the kings for they are but human; I will love the meek for they are divine. I will love the rich for they are yet lonely; I will love the poor for they are so many. I will love the young for the faith they hold; I will love the old for the wisdom they share. I will love the beautiful for their eyes of sadness; I will love the ugly for their souls of peace.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

But how will I react to the actions of others? With love. For just as love is my weapon to open the hearts of men, love is also my shield to repluse the arrows of hate and spears of anger. Adversity and discouragement will beat against my new shield and become as the softest of rains. My shield will protect me in the market place and sustain me when I am alone. It will uplift me in moments of despair yet it will calm me in time of exultation. It will become stronger and more protective with use until one day I will cast it aside and walk unencumbered among the manners of men and, when I do, my name will be raised high on the pyramid of life.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And how will I confront each whom I meet? In only one way. In silence and to myself I will address him and say I Love You. Though spoken in silence these words will shine in my eyes, unwrinkle my brow, bring a smile to my lips, and echo in my voice; and his heart will be opened. And who is there who will say nay to my goods when his heart feels my love?

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh, rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation. Never will I allow my mind to be attracted to evil and despair, rather I will uplift it with the knowledge and wisdom of the ages. Never will I allow my soul to become complacent and satisfied, rather I will feed it with meditation and prayer. Never will I allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather I will share it and it will grow and warm the earth.

I will greet this day with love in my heart.

Henceforth will I love all mankind. From this moment all hate is let from my veins for I have not time to hate, only time to love. From this moment I take the first step required to become a man among men. With love I will increase my sales a hundredfold and become a great salesman. If I have no other qualities I can succeed with love alone. Without it I will fail though I possess all the knowledge and skills of the world.

I will greet this day with love, and I will succeed.

(corresponding song: In Your Eyes (acoustic) by Sara Barielles)